Monthly Archives: April 2006

Parking – the Favourite Activity of Anti-Social Cretins?

Well, and here's me thinking I was all angried out this weekend. I decided to smoke a lot of crack cocaine this weekend and see how many posts I could fire out. I arrived at my girlfriend's place a little while ago and somebody (probably a reader of my blog who wanted to give me some fuel) manages to fire me up with one of my pet hates.

Why are people such ignorant pricks when it comes to parking? I think I've never seen anything bring out the worst in human nature as much as parking does. Go down to the shops and you will always see somebody acting like a homicidal maniac over something as banal as a parking space. Seriously, you're safer getting between a mother bear and her cub than between some people and parking space they have decided is "theirs". And yes, I've been on the receiving end of some psychopath diving into a parking space I was patiently waiting for, I know how angryfying that is and I'm not excusing it for a second.

That isn't even the variant I'm going mad over tonight. My girlfriend and I both live in an inner-city suburb and street parking is often at a premium, so when I stay at her place it's sometimes a struggle to find somewhere to park. This gets made worse by self centred cretins who take up more than one space. Maybe I'm being too judgemental, I don't know for sure that they're self-centred. They might be really fucking stupid.

What makes people do it? There's a space between two driveways that's clearly the right size for two cars. But not when some cretin decides to park right in the middle. Honestly, my therapist says I take things too personally. I bet that wanker in the van takes it personally when the bomb I wired up to his ignition goes off in the morning.

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A Fine Example of the Angry Internets

When I want a break from angry ranting on my blog, I like to do random searches for other examples of angriness online.  It's remarkable how un-angry some people seem who describe their sites as angry or even angriest but I did find the following gem:

The Angriest Rice Cooker in the World

It takes a special brand of genius to anthropomorphise a rice cooker to express angriness.

Enjoy!

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Post Traumatic Toilet Stress Syndrome

I was reading another blog last night and the author made a random comment that triggered some long-suppressed traumatic memories of my worst-ever workplace. There are many ways an employer can make you feel worthless, constantly belittling you, paying you much less than you know other people are getting for the same work or simply giving you really lousy facilities.

My worst-ever job combined all of these but there were some bizarre twists on what they did with the work environment. Not long after I started there, they moved everybody into one building. Previously, staff had been spread around different offices throughout the city. On the surface, this was a good idea but the twist was that the overall floor space was much smaller – on average, each person's cubicle space was reduced by 1/3 and almost nobody had offices in the new building. Even the managers became cubicle dwellers. And the cubicles had really low walls so there was no more avoiding eye contact with cow-orkers. This didn't bother me so much but you soon found out who the anti-social ones were.

Imagine the fun and games of anti-social office drones with no interpersonal skills being put in a situation where they couldn't avoid face-to-face contact with… humans!

The worst part overall was undoubtedly what they did with the kitchen facilities. They were essentially a crime against humanity. Each floor had a kitchen are that was nothing more than a narrow bench, about two metres long with a sink and a microwave. But that part was just annoying. The horrible part was that this was right next to the toilet doors. As in less than one metre from the toilet to where you were preparing food and beverages. And you know how most communal toilets have some sort of vestibule or at least dog-leg between the outside world and the facilities? So you don't see all the goings-on as soon as the door is open?

Not these ones.

A straight view from your lunch to this tiny toilet facility. And as some female staff members told me, there was no real barrier between the men's urinal and the outside world. If they forgot to avert their gaze while making coffee, they could end up with an eyeful. Although I guess "eyeful" depends who was taking a leak at the time.

So one more tip for the evil bosses out there. Are your workers getting a bit uppity or even comfortable in their lives? Put them in a really demeaning work environment – that'll slap 'em down.

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Idiocy, Insanity and Criminality

Just wanted to share another snippet I found when I was looking up the Dubya "I hear the voices" quote the other day. One of the many travesties visited upon the populace by this administration was wholesale illegal phone tapping. His supporters can argue all they want about it being the right thing, it's out and out illegal. And stupid. The bar for these clowns getting wiretaps authorised is so low (they can even can an authorisation after the fact) it beggars belief that they would break the law to do it.

And Dubya doesn't even argue the legality. His "defence" as such seems to be "I'm the president and I can do whatever I want." It honestly seems that descriptions like "imperial rule" aren't hyperbole, they're plain and simple fact. Anyway, he was found out and after agreeing to suppress the story for a year two journalist published the story and have since been awarded the Pulitzer Prize.

Now it isn't surprising Bush supporters bitch and moan about someone revealing their president, you know, broke the fucking law. It is apparently impossible in these people's eyes that Bush could be held accountable for anything. Literally anything. So hearing these foaming at the mouth blowhards saying the journalists should be sent to jail doesn't surprise me. But the level of hypocrisy exhibited by some of them is truly staggering.

One charming chap by the name of Bill Bennett had recently proclaimed himself a champion a free press by saying the press who wouldn't run the notorious Mohammed cartoons had "capitulated to Islamists". My own view of those cartoons is that it's a slightly complex situation but in short, you should be able to publish them and nobody should burn down buildings and kill people because of a fucking cartoon. Anyway, old Bill is all for a free press, publish without fear or favour.

Unless it involves his boy GW. Only a few weeks after championing a free press he say journalists WHO REVEALED ILLEGAL ACTIVITY BY THE PRESIDENT should go to jail. Yes, in a democracy. You hear that folks? These champions of freedom think exposing their criminality makes you the criminal.

These people must be utterly incapable of self-reflection. If they even tried to mentally process the mendacity of which they are guilty their fucking heads would explode.

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The Pundits Calling the Kettle Black

The whole idea of the role and prominence of pundits has been bubbling away in my mind since reading of a recent stir involving right wing pundit and blogger, Michelle Malkin. She seems to be one of the pin-up girls of the right, the other (who seems to be their favourite) is Anne Coulter. And let me just say, I really don't agree with the idea that Anne Coulter is sexy. Ignoring for a moment that she's clearly insane, the woman's a skank. To quote a tasteful bit of Australian venacular – I wouldn't touch her with someone else's dick. After thinking about it for a while – why does the right put forward Coulter as sexy when Malkin is way hotter – all I can come up with is she isn't white enough for the majority of their tastes.

Which brings me to the subject of race, which is at the centre of Malkin's little storm. Malkin has come down firmly against recent protests by Mexican nationals, protests centering on their status as illegals within the US. One of the things Malking did on her blog (she's in Technorati's top 10 so it actually matters what she does in her blog – unlike my inconsequential ramblings) was post the names and home phone numbers of some protestors.

Now this is fucked up. These people had to endure harassment and death threats from the shit-heels who like the reactionary crap Malkin goes on with. She copped a pretty severe blowback over this and received a torrent of abuse. No surprise that a lot of it was sexist (she's female) and racist (she's of Asian descent). This is plain stupid and it always happens. When you can easily attack someone simply on the grounds they're a fuckwit, why bother with racism and sexism?

But we pass through the looking glass when the lunatic fringe right gets up in arms over this abuse. Yeah, right – they're never sexist or racist. I agree that anyone who indulged in this gutter level response should be ashamed and I'll distance myself from them as far as possible. But I don't need these right wing pigfuckers who base what passes for their public discourse on racism, sexism, homophobia and lies moralising to me. I like the idea of pounding their Neanderthal skulls with a heavy cast-iron soot-blackened kettle.

It's intellectual violence! You see? You're the pot! You called the kettle black. Now the kettle is saying "Fuck you, shithead!"

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Pundits and Other Pond Scum

One of the saving graces of both politics and television in Australia is that the whole "pundit" thing doesn't seem near as entrenched as it is in the US. Sure, there are the usual talking heads on both radio and TV but from what I read and what I see on cable TV, it seems like this is the only style of mainstream news/reporting in the US. You have a very opinionated (and often very aggressive) "personality" telling you what to think rather than a journalist analysing events and giving you the ability to make up your own mind.

It's quite clear that the commercial networks would like things to go this way but it hasn't caught on. It's most entrenched in talkback radio, particularly in Sydney. If anyone reading knows about the recent race riots that occurred on Sydney's Cronulla Beach, the feelings that triggered this were stirred up in the week leading up to the violence by one of the main talkback jerks, Alan Jones. The violence went way past what he was hoping for and he mysteriously went on holidays the week after so couldn't answer any questions as to whether he accepted any responsibility for what happened.

But then again, he has a track record for being gutless and not facing up the results of his actions. About 15 years ago he was busted in a public toilet in London (hello George Michael). He whipped the old fellah out and waved it at a young chap next to him, saying the equivalent of "hello sailor". Turns out the young chap was an undercover cop so Jonesy didn't get the sort of action he was looking for.

So he was staring down the barrel of a rather embarrassing court case that probably would have ended his career (and possibly given him jail time given the ridiculous "public morals" campaign that had cops trawling gay beats in the first place). Lo and behold, the Prime Minister of Australia steps in and gets him off the hook. Jones promised to tell his faithful public "the full truth" when the court case was over. Well, the court case ended, the toilet trader came back home and it was all swept under the carpet. Never mentioned again.

Why is it the biggest blowhards are the most gutless at the end of the day?

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Are You Feeling Angry

When I’m feeling angry I tend to go for some cathartic therapy… like ranting in a borderline insane manner on a blog. Well, my kids actually pointed me to an alternative today, one that appealed to my twisted sense of humour. They love their internets these kids and they’re always finding new free games to play. The latest goes by the fairly innocuous title of “Interactive buddy”.

The first hint that this may be a little more twisted than the name suggests is when they describe the gameplay as “Imagine you have a buddy you can do pretty much anything to.” It turns out this “buddy” is basically designed for you to persecute. You get points for slapping him around, hitting him with things, blowing him up and setting him on fire. And you can change his appearance to look like a tellytubby (those damn tellytubbies are past due for a beatdown) or even a political figure you think needs some payback.

The really sick bit that appealed to me was that the buddy “learns” what you are doing. You can drop a hand grenade next to him and he stands there until it blows up. Then he knows grenades are dangerous and runs in terror when you lob some more. Ahhhh, Shakespeare couldn’t have written better comedy.

It’s on a whole bunch of game sites if you want to get some sick laughs – I know I enjoy it. I’m not going to link to any of them because, well, they’re not paying me to. Type “virtual buddy free flash game” into any search engine and you’ll find it. And if you’re thinking of saying this is sick and sadistic, it’s better to get this out of your system in a video game than in real life… or is it?

I’m going out for a while now, I’ll report back later.

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Sick Internet Goatse Sex Perverts

Well readers, last night while I was obsessing over my blog I spend some time going through my archives. One of the posts from the early days that I decided deserved more coverage involved the following image. This is either instantly funny to you or you will never find it funny. For those who don't know what goatse is, follow this link and Wikipedia will help you out. For those who know, how's this for a twist:

 goatse from the inside

Some sick bastard has gone and taken a picture from the inside looking out! I found this is the local weekly paper, hidden amongst the real estate ads. Oh sure, they had some cover story about how they were trying to highlight the overuse of plastic bags but I know a goatse image when I see one. And that sick bastard looking in seems to be enjoying himself waaaaaaay too much.

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No More Green Crap

It's all well and good to address politics like I did yesterday but I don't want to forget about the important things. I started this blog to rant about all the little things that make me angry and I have another one to tell you about today.

We all have dreams of what we are going to do when we win the lottery. They often involve big houses, fast cars and island paradises. For me, there is a simple plan. I'm going to open a restaurant. This restaurant will right an injustice that has been allowed to carry on for far too long. This restaurant will be called: "No More Green Crap".

This may require some explanation. I am not one of those men who think salads should only be seen on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". "No More Green Crap" will serve both salad and vegetables. But when you get your food, THERE WILL NOT BE A HANDFUL OF GREEN CRAP SPRINKLED OVER IT! This has been a bugbear of mine for years (seriously, people are embarrassed to go out to dinner with me). It recently jumped into the forefront of my thinking when the site I Hate Cilantro was brought to my attention. It's good to see people fighting the good fight all around the world.

I actually had to look cilantro up to be sure of what it was. In Australia we call it coriander. I'm not sure if the fact this site focuses solely on cilantro means that's the only topping you're subjected to in the states – if that's the case, you're lucky. In Oz, we are subjected to an endless variation of gratuitous green crap on top of otherwise perfectly good food. It might be parsley, shallots, spring onions, oregano.. sometimes I'm sure it's fucking grass clippings.

occasionally, when I have resorted to physical violence in a restaurant, people have suggested I should calm down and maybe pick the green crap off my food. Wee that's bullshit. It isn't as if the menu mentions they're going to sprinkle green crap on my food. That's false advertising. And as for those sad and twisted individuals who think this actually makes food better, they should have to ask for it as an extra. I shouldn't have to remember to say "If my food comes out with green crap on it, I'm going to stab you in the fucking eye with this fork."

I haven't said it for a while, but this is a serious question to the restauranteurs of the world:

What the hell is wrong with you people?

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“I Hear the Voices…”

So here goes, plunging back into politics. Let me start by saying this: there are plenty of things in politics that make me damn angry but I haven't been all politics all of the time for a few reasons. First, I'm trying to have fun and focusing solely on politics might get to be heavy going after a while. Second, there are other people who do it way better than I can, I've linked to some of them before and I will do so again in the future. Third, in my quest to have fun, I don't want to belittle things that are actually important so I've been a little hesitant to focus too squarely on some touchy issues.

That said, some of the stupidity going on is so absurd I can't help but dive in with an angry tirade. For those who haven't been following the musings of the leader of the free world, the title of this post is a direct quote from the man himself, G W Bush. It's part of what he said when being asked if he considered sacking Donald Rumsfeld after some retired generals (people who might actually know something about command competence) said Rummy was a useless pigfucker who should be taken out and shot. Geedubya said that despite hearing the media and the voices he was "the decider" (which sounds like an excellent name for an underwear pervert). What stuck with me was his reference to hearing voices. It explains everything.

He's completely fucking insane.

Georgie boy has gone all 6th Sense on us and he's hearing voices. I imagine this will be his defense in later life: "the voices told me to do it." Yes, the voices told him to invade Iraq even though the people who actually had a clue what they were talking about warned him what a stupid idea it was. The voices tell him life is better in Iraq now despite the deaths of tens of thousands and the ongoing horror of daily life there. The voices told him to award award no-bid multi-billion dollar contracts in Iraq to Halliburton who then sent soldier out without adequate armour or resources (although that was pretty obviously Cheney's voice).

And now it seems the voices are telling him that military action, up to and including nukes, against Iran is a good idea. This is despite the fact that it's morally reprehensible, strategically suicidal and straight-up insane. Some explanation:

Morally reprehensible: This requires no explanation. If you think the act of nuking Iran is not morally reprehensible, well, to borrow a phrase I read recently on another blog: fuck you in the neck with a butter knife.

Strategically suicidal: The leader of Iran, President Ahmadinejad, is not Saddam. He may not be the greatest guy in the world, but within Iran he's fairly popular and kinda-sorta democratically elected. So you can't fool anyone into thinking you will be popularly welcomed if you "topple" him. Also, Iran has A BIG FUCKING ARMY! The US and allies are already overstretched. It simply isn't feasible to open up war on another front. And nobody in Iran is going to sit quietly if you start bombing them. Step 1 would be a real bloodbath in Iraq as the Iranian army sweeps in. Step 2 would be "goodbye Israel" – as in, no longer existing on the map.

Insane: You would get zero international support for this. Okay, maybe the world's most pathetic lapdog, John Winston Howard, would sign on but I can't imagine Blair getting involved. From erstwhile allies you would get overwhelming condemnation, I would expect protests/rallies/riots all across Europe. And the wave of violence that would be unleashed across the middle east is too horrible to contemplate. And I'm more than a touch worried how Australia's neighbours to the north would react as well. An inevitable corollary effect would be the complete collapse of the US and probably the world economy.

So, politically, why would he say these things? Possibility one: it's a bluff. Caint afford to look weak tuh those mooozleeems. Guess what shit-for-brains? Anyone sensible thinks it's a bluff. Bluffs don't work if everyone knows it's a bluff. Dubya must be a shit poker player. Possibility two: he's completely fucking insane and he really means it. In which case…

Would some intern please give him a blowjob so he can be impeached?

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