No More Green Crap

It's all well and good to address politics like I did yesterday but I don't want to forget about the important things. I started this blog to rant about all the little things that make me angry and I have another one to tell you about today.

We all have dreams of what we are going to do when we win the lottery. They often involve big houses, fast cars and island paradises. For me, there is a simple plan. I'm going to open a restaurant. This restaurant will right an injustice that has been allowed to carry on for far too long. This restaurant will be called: "No More Green Crap".

This may require some explanation. I am not one of those men who think salads should only be seen on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". "No More Green Crap" will serve both salad and vegetables. But when you get your food, THERE WILL NOT BE A HANDFUL OF GREEN CRAP SPRINKLED OVER IT! This has been a bugbear of mine for years (seriously, people are embarrassed to go out to dinner with me). It recently jumped into the forefront of my thinking when the site I Hate Cilantro was brought to my attention. It's good to see people fighting the good fight all around the world.

I actually had to look cilantro up to be sure of what it was. In Australia we call it coriander. I'm not sure if the fact this site focuses solely on cilantro means that's the only topping you're subjected to in the states – if that's the case, you're lucky. In Oz, we are subjected to an endless variation of gratuitous green crap on top of otherwise perfectly good food. It might be parsley, shallots, spring onions, oregano.. sometimes I'm sure it's fucking grass clippings.

occasionally, when I have resorted to physical violence in a restaurant, people have suggested I should calm down and maybe pick the green crap off my food. Wee that's bullshit. It isn't as if the menu mentions they're going to sprinkle green crap on my food. That's false advertising. And as for those sad and twisted individuals who think this actually makes food better, they should have to ask for it as an extra. I shouldn't have to remember to say "If my food comes out with green crap on it, I'm going to stab you in the fucking eye with this fork."

I haven't said it for a while, but this is a serious question to the restauranteurs of the world:

What the hell is wrong with you people?

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8 Comments

Filed under General Angriness

8 responses to “No More Green Crap

  1. Rick - a 'merican'

    Open a branch of your dream restaurant in the Greater Portland Oregon area, Mr. Angry, and I’ll be a patron. I became so tired of the odd wait staff person at a restaurant my wife and I dined at regularly for several years sneaking up waving a gigantic pepper mill over my plate, poised to forever alter whatever I ordered even before I could taste it, that we stopped going there altogether. I haven’t seen a lot of mysterious green garnishes here but, then, I’m not a good example of a regular restaurant visitor over the past year or so.

    I’m generally pretty gregarious and tolerant of those providing services but I’m just not into strangers putting things on, in, or over my food, especially when I can see them doing it. On a couple of rather memorable occasions I expressed my objections in a manner befitting a pissed of rhinoceros after having been food-molested by one cretin or another. Then my darling wife, the empress of my universe, promised to never eat with me in public again if I didn’t find another outlet for my ‘obsession’ so I’ve calmed a bit on the subject.

  2. "food molested" – I love it! From now on I'm going to accuse condiment-weilding wait staff of food molesting me.

  3. Hell Boy

    hhhmmm i dont like anything green but i wont come to yer restaurant cos yo gonna get angry & kick my ass outta yer place!
    do yo count corn as green cap?!?!

  4. “do yo count corn as green crap?!?!” I hate to sound like a condescending bitch, but corn-is-yellow. Tell me how, exactly, corn could be counted as green crap? Of course, Mr Angry may actually count this as green crap, and in that case I’ll look like a moron, but until then….. Haha! I rule. xx

  5. Well, kids, In America the same goes. However, I think in another life I was Hispanic. I love the green….you guessed it….cilantro. I make a killer salsa and pico de gallo. All wonderfully seasoned with the beautiful aromatic cilantro. Anybody calls happychick a condescending bitch gets to deal with her adopted Mom. :-D

  6. Well, happychick, I was going to point that out to hellboy but you beat me to it. I think it's safe to say if someone serves up green corn, I'm not eating it.

    Hey Sandra, does this mean you have to go sort out happychick? She's the only one who called herself that :) Also, I'm not sure from your description but if you're talking about using the green crap in the cooking, that's fine with me. It's the gratuitous sprinkling over the top I can't handle. Down here in south-east asia it's in a lot of the cooking, particularly the soups in Thai & Vietnamese restaurants.

  7. Effyness

    I’ve been reading your posts from the start since I was linked to your website through your videos, and I finally felt like commenting on some two-year-old post because

    I COMPLETELY AGREE.

    Why is it that in every single cooking show or fancy restaurant (heck, it doesn’t even have to be that fancy), they have to add “garnishes,” little green leaves that taste like crap? Honestly, they put mint leaves on a smoothie! *not a fan of mint* I don’t remember ordering that!

    Gah, it pisses me off.

    Great blog, by the way.

  8. Thanks and this remains one of the major sources of anger in my life!

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