Hang Them All!

Let the punishment fit the crime, I say. In line with this, I will now identify a dangerous and clandestine group who are threatening to undermine the very fabric of society. The only punishment fit for these people is public hanging. Their crime?

Hanging toilet paper the wrong way around.

You may have thought this was simply a matter of choice. That there was no big difference between the toilet roll with the paper hanging over the front (the right way) or dangling from behind (the evil, sick, twisted, wrong way). You couldn’t be more wrong. This is one of those fundamental issues that can shake the very foundations of society. This isn’t a situation where allowing a different point of view is a good thing; this is a case of right and wrong.

Sometimes different is good. I would go so far as to say most of the time difference is good. It’s one of those things that makes life more interesting – all the little differences between people. For instance, saying you are only going to wear red for a year and/or showing up to an awards ceremony with what appears to be a white swan wrapped around you is good. Quirky, arty, interesting. Hanging toilet paper the wrong way is not “different”. It’s wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!

The important part of this issue is that it isn’t a casual occurrence. I have identified the actions of a clandestine group going around hanging toilet paper the wrong way. And they try to poison the minds of others. Sometimes they’ll say “it doesn’t matter which way you hang the paper,” other times they’ll go so far as to dangle the paper from behind and say “this is the right way.” And the poor innocents duped by them have no idea how they’re being manipulated.

I recently suffered an invasion of the influence of these miscreants in my own home! Periodically, I would discover that toilet paper was hanging the wrong way at my house even though (it should go without saying) I always make sure to hang it correctly. At first I thought they were sneaking into my home when I was asleep or at work to mess with my head. But then I saw the pattern. These paper reversals coincided with visits from my girlfriend.

Surely she couldn’t be one of them? A deep cover agent sent in to undermine my life from within? When I pointed out to her what had happened with the toilet paper she had no idea she’d even been doing it. How sick is that? They’d infected her with some sort of post-hypnotic suggestion so she didn’t even realise she was doing their bidding.

It’s interesting to note that vampires have this power of mind control. I’m not saying that everyone who hangs the toilet paper the wrong way is a vampire; all I’m doing is putting the idea out there for your consideration.

Thankfully, the situation is now remedied. My girlfriend has been successfully de-programmed and my household toilet paper is secure. So now the bastards are coming at me from another angle.

My workplace, like many, uses bulk toilet paper dispensers. But this dispenser comes straight from the mind of Satan himself! It is constructed in an evil fashion that means if the toilet paper is hung the correct way the dispenser won’t work. These sick bastards have won a government contract that lets them fit out workplace toilets in a way that advances their sinister and depraved goals.

Are there no depths they won’t sink to?

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11 Comments

Filed under General Angriness, Work

11 responses to “Hang Them All!

  1. Now that is funny shit and I personally agree!

  2. It’s a conspiracy. A conspiracy I tell you! The vampires are out there- sure, they’ll start with the wrong-hanging of toilet paper, but soon enough you’ll be sleeping on the floor and eating vegatables voluntarily! We have to make a stand… Or else we’ll all become the evil-doers of the world.

  3. Exactly happychick, they're trying to get us by stealth. And I'm trying to wake everybody up before its too late.

  4. James

    You have not said what is the correct way.

    Everyone knows the paper comes over towards you and not against the wall. Three reasons:
    1. If paper has a pattern you see the back on the first 2 sheets if it goes to the back
    2. If you fit a cover you cannot tear it off properly unless it comes over the front
    3. Without a cover you can see the perforations and have more accurate tearing if it comes over the top towards you.

  5. James: I was criticised for not making it clear before – my bad, I thought it was clear. You are absoltely right in your explanation – kudos to you.

  6. PirateJen

    There IS one very valid reason for having it hanging the “wrong” way – when you have a houseful of adolescent males who blithely rip off METRES of the stuff in one grandiose grab for the simplest…ahem…”cleanup job”. At least if it’s hung backwards there’s some resistance from the wall that restricts the outage……

  7. May I refer you to the last drawing on
    http://currentconfig.com/archives/000083.html
    which refutes your argument!!

  8. Jen: You are the second person who has mention wayward children as a reason for this approach. I’m all for pragmatism over absolutism – when you have a good reason, do it. Just don’t let the vampires take control.

    James: I’m weirded out – are you the same James as the previous one? Either way, I must be crap at explaining it because I agree with you. Your descriptions are awesome, thanks for the link!

    On the subject of being weirded out – I continue being surprised by how important this topic is to people. I though I was the only idiot who worried about this.

  9. I am the same James. I am fighting with mother in law and wife who secretly change them all when I am not looking and then I have to put them back when they are not looking! It is a conspiracy and a never ending battle I assure you and a resounding YES, it is important!

    I did the experiment of the “one handed tear” and I think Jen is mis-informed, the chances of wasting paper are greater with the “wrong” paper mounting method. this is because of the natural braking effect caused by the sudden change of momentum and it works against the rotation with the right method but with the rotation with the wrong method.

    I also did a survey of the office and found that ALL males do it the right way but only some females do it the wrong way so perhaps it is a gender thing. Also seems more important to males for some reason.

    BTW, how do you join this list there appears to be no link to join on your pages?

    Also I love the concept of your web site, so many things make me angry. One thing in particular are toilet doors in office buildings. Why do they open in so you are forced to pull on wet handles covered in other people’s germs when leaving whereas if they opened out convenient kick plates near the bottom could be used to kick the doors open with the feet thereby leaving your freshly washed hands clean and wholesome.

  10. James; Welcome aboard! I love the site you pointed me to, is it yours? I’m going to feature it on a post later.

  11. James

    No, it is not my web site, I found it googling for this topic to win an office argument with Pirate Jen!!

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