Sometimes being positive can get you killed

I’m all for positivity in the workplace, most of what I put in this blog are jokes (grounded in reality) but I usually wouldn’t act remotely like “Mr Angry” to anybody in real life, particularly at work. But every now and then someone gets just a bit too goddam cheerful at precisely the wrong fucking time to precisely the wrong fucking person.

This morning one of my cow-orkers crossed an important cheerfulness tolerance threshold. The wrong fucking time was 8.55 – 5 minutes before an important presentation when a major system meltdown occurred which, shall we say, slightly derailed my plans. The wrong fucking person was me. Basically, the situation was pretty shitty but salvageable. I was going to lose face but the people I work with are pretty reasonable, they know unpredictable disasters happen occasionally. So I was stressed but not totally losing my shit. Then the inappropriately cheerful cow-orker piped up:

Cheeful Cow-orker: Cheer up, it could be worse.

Me: (deep breath, search for inner calm so I don’t punch CC) How exactly?

CC: At least you have your health.

Me: How do you know that?

CC: What?

Me: How do you know I have my health? You don’t know anything about me. For all you know, I have cancer.

CC: Oh my god, you don’t, do you?

Me: No, but you don’t know that. Stop saying fatuous things or one day you’ll end up saying it to someone who’s just been diagnosed with some horrible disease.

CC: That’s a terrible thing to say. I was only trying to be positive.

Me: Well don’t, there’s nothing positive about this situation.

CC: There’s always something positive, you just have to keep looking.

Me: Yeah, like maybe I do have cancer.

CC: What?

Me: A really fast acting cancer that’s going to kill me in the next five minutes so I don’t have to deal with this shit.

CC: You shouldn’t say things like that.

Me: Or a massive brain haemorrhage. I could really do with a catastrophic subdural hematoma right now.

CC: I… uh…

Me: You do realise that the only reason you’re still alive is that this projector is too fucking heavy to throw at your head, right?

CC: (looking considerably less cheerful now) Whuh?

Me: How many seconds do you think it would take you to get out of my sight? Because I reckon I can find something to stab you in the brain with inside of 7 seconds from now.

And then the only sound I had to put up with was the sound of scampering feet as the inappropriately cheerful cow-orker fled in terror. It turns out he only needed 3 seconds to escape. Which was quite lucky because I found a sharp bit of metal in 5 seconds.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Sometimes being positive can get you killed

  1. saly

    I know the feeling. My sister is a cheerfully fake-optimist and it really pisses me off! She’d act just like your “cow-orker” which drives me up the wall. I better send her a link to this post.

  2. Inappropriate optimists – the worst kind of idiots. Or all optimists, in fact – people who like romantic comedies and think that Denis Leary is “daring” and can always to called upon to make a bad situation worse.

    If people have not yet realised that life is shitty (but sometimes amusing), they should be forced to work in McDonalds until they get the message.

  3. Saly: yeah, send a message :) Actually, maybe I should act this out in a video – then you can let the pictures do the talking.

    Paddy: work at maccas? Man, you’re harsh.

  4. I particuarly hate that expression. First of all who the hell are they to be telling me to cheer up? I’ll cheer up when I want to fucking cheer up. And the thought that it could be worse doesn’t help, all it means is that it might just get worse.

  5. Salamaat,
    hahahaha…i AM that inappropriately cheerful person.

    hahahaha:)

    AND i worked at Mc Donald’s before…AND it only made me more cheerful and grateful.

  6. Michelle: yeah I think it’s tempting fate, asking for something worse to happen and see if you’ll still be cheerful then

    Salamaat Maliha: well someone has to be the ray of sunshine :)

  7. Just ignore, that’s what I do. I’m mean. Mr Meany.

  8. Oh how reminiscent of times past… I don’t mean the Cheerful Co-worker… I mean technology making a fucking mess of one’s work… especially pre-presentation let-downs. Damn!

  9. youre my new idol. can i PLEASE get a chance to lash out at the ppl i work with?

    coz i FEEL LIKE IT DAMN IT.

  10. Range: a standard selection of platitudes is often helpful at keeping them at bay

    madabout: yeah, never rely on technology, it’ll always screw you

    Marayam: you’re always welcome to lash out here :D

  11. At our office, we have a worker who talked about ‘Random Acts of Kindness’, such as giving out mini Mars bars, straight after a meeting about redundancy. It went down like a lead balloon.

  12. Now there’s a perfect example of absolutely inappropriate cheerfilness. A better randomn act of kindness would be to not sack people.

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