I’m gonna kill my neighbour

If my neighbour is really lucky I’ll have left for my New Zealand holiday before I kill the fucker.  The cheap bastard has a shitty car that never starts properly and he’s too cheap to get the fucking thing fixed.  I know this because I’m always hearing him try to start it.  You know that annoying rrrr-rrrr-rrrr noise you get when a car engine won’t turn over?  I get to hear that very regularly.

In itself, that wouldn’t be so bad.  But when it finally kicks into life, the ignorant prick revs the guts out of it for about a minute.  I’m assuming he does this in the hope the engine won’t cut out again.  Now, I’m not a mechanical expert but I think he’s actually damaging his already fucked engine by doing this.  Maybe someone who knows something about engines could confirm this.  But it’s a pissy little van and the engine sound like an over-worked lawn mower when he revs it.

He’s done this once while I was making a video and I had to stop until he’d finished because of the noise.  Maybe I should actually make it the topic of the video next time it happens.  He’s also done it very late at night but he stepped waaaaaaay over the line when he did it this morning.  At about 6-fucking-a-fucking-m.  The only reason he lived through it is I’m so out of it at that time of the morning he’d made a getaway by the time I’d stumbled into some clothes.

Assuming he lives through tonight, he’s got the two weeks I’m away to fix the fucking thing.  If it happens again after I get back I’ll muffle the noise by jamming his fucking head up the exhaust pipe.

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42 Comments

Filed under General Angriness, Home Life

42 responses to “I’m gonna kill my neighbour

  1. That will be doing further damage to his car’s engine, particularly because the thing is still cold when he’s revving the shit out of it. I’d suggest wedging some nails under his tyres, so that when he backs out/drives forward, they will pierce the tyres. If you do this to more than one tyre at a time, he will have to leave the car where the tyres have gone flat, to get them fixed (as he’ll only have one spare) and maybe someone will torch the fucker (the van, that is, not him…although…..)

    The only problem with this suggestion is that it may impact on others (if he keeps driving with three or four flat tyres, he’s bound to lose control of the car at some stage, and will probably hit some one else).

    If it continues past that, there is always the sugar in the petrol tank trick- there’s no cheap way of getting out of that one.

  2. Ahahahaha!! We have neighbourly problems too. Only ours have regular domestics and it’s a little hard to sleep through. But seriuosly, what a laugh. This guy sounds like a regular asshole and deserves to be stabbed in the face.
    Or even the neck ;P

  3. Salamaat,
    Neighborly love…

    Mine has a nice suited up car with a loud intricate series of Alarms..why o’ why does that alarm have to go off at crazy hours in the night….and sometimes really early in the morning? And why does it take him a good ten minutes for him to get to it?

    I have a dream of keying it one day…

  4. Well I’m just waiting for it to actually get cold this winter, when half the neighbours will take about half an hour to start up their cars. That’s always fun. What is also fun is that there are still some dickheads who have those touch car alarms that go off if so much as the wind blows. I particularly like the ones that sound like the sound effects to Space Invaders, it’s always lots of fun to listen to .

  5. I agree with Chick…..in the neck with a 357 magnum.

  6. Recently, I have not had any neighbor problems, but I had some in the years past. There is nothing that you can do, especially when you live in an apartment complex and you hear sounds through the walls from other floors.

  7. I tell ya what my fucking neighbour is a fucking arse. i live below him in an apartment, he slams doors as soon as he wakes up but when he gets home from work its ok until around half past mid-night when im trying to sleep starts slamming doors probably to piss me off!
    i know what car he drives now though, its going to get smashed to bits if he carrys on, he might get the message then. I wont be fucked with. I dont know why these people do this sort of thing they must want a fight or something i dont know. think i might wait till he comes home and fucking put a knife to his nuts he might fucking move away!

  8. Agreed that he is doing his engine dirt. When he revs a cold engine, he is squirting gasoline (petrol to you) into the cylinders, and stripping off the oil that should be lubricating them. That’s the good news. The bad news is that while he has condemned his vehicle to a slow death, I must emphasize the word slow. You have many more unpleasant mornings ahead of you.

    I toyed with providing some hints on serious sabotage, but thought better of it. I will say, though, that sugar in the gas tank does absolutely nothing, so pass that one by. Stuffing a potato up the exhaust pipe will do nothing permanent or irreparable, but will afford a good deal of amusement.

    Also, skip the .357 to the neck. The best authorities here recommend a .22 applied directly against the head. The relatively slow muzzle speed means that the round will penetrate the skull once, but not twice. Consequently, it will ricochet around within the cranium several times, doing damage on each pass. The second shot (“two in the hat,” in the classic formulation) is usually superfluous. The human resources department of the Mafia uses this method in its retirement program, in lieu of pension.

  9. I’m just glad to hear that he’s hurting himself (via damaging his vehicle). I don’t want to be the only one feeling pain. Maybe it’ll be totally dead when I get back from holidays.

  10. Jayne

    Look, if it’s any comfort, think about me. On one side I have Mad Pet Bitch, one of those fucked up ‘animal lovers’ who thinks her 3 yapping dogs and her four cats are too cute for words, (possibly because it’s not HER house that they all piss around or HER nature strip that the dogs regularly shit all over). On the other side I have Dog Bastard, who I haven’t spoken to for four years since I had the downright nerve to complain about his pit bull cross prick of a dog that was always at the fence foaming at the mouth and snarling if I so much as set foot on my verandah. It really peeved Dog Bastard that I eventually got crapped about it and called the council and they forced him to put palings on his side of the fence. And across the road I have Prozac Nana, the busy body of the street. She’s retired early because she has chronic depression, so she doesn’t have much to do other than spy on everyone and spread the odd bit of vicious gossip. Oh, and her husband who likes to sing hymns on Sundays accompanied by his Hammond organ. Over the back there’s Yappy Little Dog, one of those stupid Maltese Terrier things that people should be fined for owning. I often fantasise about pumping a few bullets into it, and thoroughly enjoy the mental vision of it’s owner screaming with horror as white fluff and blood spatter everywhere.

  11. What an awesome collection of neighbours! You should check out the video from Gruntski I posted as well, he has dog neighbour problems.

  12. My neighbours are drunks.
    They wake my 4 year old son up at 4-5am every day.

    When I go around to complain, they open the door and the foul, filthy smell of human piss greets me.

    The old man is deaf, and sexually assaults random women walking about outside. He shouts at full volume all through the night.

    His wife, the other retard, believes everyone is a vampire. She can often be seen outside talking to herself… complaining about the vampires. She also screams through the night until 5am, when she watches Emmerdale at full volume.

    They have 1 lightbulb, that they take from room to room depending on where the meths is being drank.

    Oh and the local authority are taking them to court…. finally after 10 years of complaints.

    Your neighbour sounds like a nice guy compared to these filthy, piss stained, mentally retarded, meths drinking turds. I have trouble loving thy neighbour, it is true.

  13. Wow, that’s pretty intense. But ummmm, my neighbour…. ummmm…. makes noise sometimes. Damn, my complaint kinda sucks now.

  14. Kapad

    I recently had a neighbour who left his dog yelling and barking all day long for 10 months in a row before I got rid of him. Then after that the next neigbhour has a little kid that has a hobby of stomping on the floor with both feet at a time, all day long. I am going to murder someone soon. It will be a delight. Why are there so many morons out there? (btw I live in Sweden so this is kind of a global problem).

  15. Ah yes, I never doubted that morons were a worldwide problem.

  16. john

    sounds like its carbarated not fuel injected

  17. Cazzie

    You think you have neighbour problems?
    What I would give just to have your neighbour!Mine has a boxing ring in his front garden in which he forces his children to box daily and for long, loud, periods of time. Not only this but his back garden is filled with old caravans, cars and dangerous diesel tanks! In the back lane which we use to access our garages he has an extremely large ‘recovery’ vehicle… which is rarely moved, but when it is… you want to hear that revving!
    Not only that but he has a dog which barks all day and all night (I think it goes unfed a lot) and at this moment in time all I can hear from my house is his shitty music playing and his unnecessarily loud screaming. EVERY conversation he has outside can be heard for about a mile around. Not because it is a wide open space but because he shouts instead of talks.

    He is a dirty, vile pig who I wish there was some way of permanently disposing of.

    Oh, and just to top it off, he, his malnutritioned children and fake-tanned wife regularly hurl abuse at my family. He with no top on, letting the whole world see his hideous beer-belly. It’s been this way since the very day we moved in and were told to “Go back where [we] came from”… which, according to them, was “the gutter”.

    And the council does NOTHING.

  18. Is your neighbor’s noisy dog getting you down? Too much barking? Post it here at the Barking Dog ATLAS.

  19. vinn petrol

    I have a 60 yr old woman that lives above me who has the loudest voice known to mankind.Her tv is on 24hrs a day(i think she sleeps in front of it) and when i very politely asked her if she could turn it down,she explained to me that she was deaf and doesnt sleep at night and thats the reason that im being kept awake.She further confided in me by telling me that she has a button on her tv called turbo bass which makes her walls vibrate and echo but she hears it better that way so ….
    You have to understand that although she is a woman, she could easily be mistaken for a drunk man as she constantly swears and shouts at no one in particular and now that the weather is getting better she has her windows open fully and everything is twice as loud.Im 6ft and shes bigger and broader than me and storms around her house slamming all her doors and laughing hysterically and she also makes these strange horrible moaning/growling sounds when she breathes.I live below her and here every thing and its driving me crazy.The council are not intrested and expect me to spend my days/nights writing out a diary and calling the police.I finally snapped last week and called the police at 2am only to be told that there were no officers available due to the nature of the call(not important enough)and when i persisted i was told that it would be upto 4 hrs before they came out.This was no help at all and confronting the woman is a waste of time as she just calls me all the names under the sun and slams her doors even louder.When i mention the problem to anyone in my town then they all know who im talking about just by her description and they all have the same opinion that thers something wrong with her”shes not all there”.Anyways im starting to feel my sanity slipping away and im having thoughts of snipping her tv ariel or putting glue in her door lock so she cant get in.AAGGGHHH

    • Kill her. But not before cutting her tongue & vocal cords out and then cutting her ears off. Then tie her down, get a funnel and 2 big bottles of whisky and pour the fuckers down her neck via the funnel. She’ll be sorry then. Sound like she deserves it.

      All old women should be executed!!!

  20. What the fuck!

    You lucky, lucky bastards. If my neighbour is not getting ‘tasered’, he’s listening to ‘Ibiza, 2003′ tracks at full volume. I suspect that this is due to his older brothers having spent time in prison and developing a taste for ‘man love’. I’m beginning to despair, but severely injuring him is not going to make my life any easier. Maybe I should move. Or maybe I should disarm him and stab him in the eye with the carving knife that he so wilfully brandishes on every occasion that he ventures outside. Yes, maybe that is the solution!

    Suggestions on a postcard please.

    Yours,

    Slightly Miffed.

  21. Jess

    I have found salvation. OK. The sad bitch next door pushing 40 who lives with her dad and has two hell hounds with her 24/7 because her ex has got rid of the OCD nutcase and doesn’t want to know her or them anymore. So I have her coughing and stomping all night and her stupid dogs barking and her twittering on at them whilst she sits about chain smoking and drinking from mid morning onwards. Then, if they’re not on my lawn messing everywhere she thinks it is just fine for them to be lying on it chewing their stupid toys. I’m going to shove those toys up her fat alcoholic arse soon.

  22. im a tot

    im an ass hole and i i like to make peeples life a misery in the already bastard world of rececion.

    literally u dnt wannna know me

  23. since moving in to our house our neighbours constantly shout at each other in their chavvy accent, slam doors as loud as f**k, until 0030 am, smoke pot in their tatty buddha filled garden, make real loud banging noises and have their TV way loud. Then they go outside to thier car and turn up their new bass stereo system making all the respectful neighbours look outside. Then they smoke more pot, rev their hairdyer mopeds around a bit, shout at each other, slam front/back/internal doors, and then damage someone elses property for the sheer hell of it. And park in front of our drive when there is about 100metres of empty road outside thei own property.
    So I went round after asking them politely several times and being grunted at, you know what the slobby bald father whipped open the door I grabbed the tossers` earhole and chucked him down his steps (about 12 of em) then I grabbed his neck and punched his face into a new shape which suited his “screw you” attitude. At this point his pothead son and 3 young shaver mates came down the steps and I lamped onestraight in his teeth he shit his-self. The `mates

  24. just stood about like fiddy cent wiggling theyre shoulders about and acting tough I told them toget lost the old man gotup and I chinned hi to the jaw just below the ear broke his jaw.
    Got court in 4 weeks time.

    But now I can hear a pin drop.

  25. pissoff

    M8 u sound like a god, if u lived neaR ME I WOULD suck your dick

  26. Well, PissOff, I’m flattered but I don’t swing that way. I’m sure one of those truck drivers you blow every Saturday night will eventually love you.

  27. Psycho

    I’m going to kidnap mine kill him, put cement shoes on the fucker never to hear his Muma boy bitchy winey wog voice again. Or the slag that lives wit him… His days are numbered the knt. Better to Eradicate the person problem solved

  28. andres

    fuck all those bad neighbors fucks! i have these two mother fucking bartenders/prostitute guys that come in everyday at 3 am and think everyone in the world has to know that they are fucking coming home. THESE GUYS ARE PISSES OF SHIT! THEY PLAY MOVIES ALL DAY LONG AND DO NOTHING!Oh did i tell you they vacuum at random times?? DONT FORGET ABOUT THE STOMPING ON THE FUCKING FLOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I KEY THE SHIT OUT OF THEIR CAR?
    i complained 30 times.

  29. Kill the fucker! And then kill all the little old ladies that live near by too!
    Show no mercy. The old cunts deserve it.
    Take pride in your hatred of them. Make them beg for their lives and then snuff them out.
    Do it….Kill them!!!!!!!

  30. iWakeUpCrazy

    Every morning my neighbours son rev the shit out of his Car. Because i work at night every morning 6am I wake up to his loud revs & then when he leaves he takes off really really fast infront of my house that makes such a loud noise that makes me Crazy I can’t sleep after that.

    1 day I went up to him(he locked his door & put window up quick)he thought i was going to attack him LOL fucking Aussie Pussy!!! I just asked him nicely to take it easy. after he was good for only 1 week. He started revs the shit out of his car again every morning. He just do it to show that he is a big man. he just got his licence just 3-4months ago. Fucking Selfish Bitch !!!!

    I really can’t ask him nicely anymore. I got my baseball bat next to my bed. I might just kill the cunt. But i really don’t want enemies where i live. I found this video on youtube i might try this method on all his tires.

    Please some 1 tell me what should I do next???

  31. iWakeUpCrazyNoMore

    Few days later…. The stupid asshole crashed his car. Lucky 4 me………

  32. Tina khatre

    thiss is amazing

  33. homocide hannah

    after yur done shoving his head up a tailpipe can u PLZ come and do my neighbors while I watch? one mother fuckin neighbor is up all nite and so I start to fall asleep and hear BANG, start to fall asleep and BANG. over and over and over from 11pm to 4am.shes an insomniac that doesn’t work and cleans and paceall night long. other neigbors take over at 6:30 and on the side lady lets her 2 brats run and jump for two hours during prime nap time. management won’t doanything cause its not airbourne noise like music from a party
    isn’t being woken up repeate ly a torture method? its working and i’m going insane. only thing keeping me going is taking those mothers with me and get 60 glorious minutes of sleep b4 the cops arrive. only thing is i’m barely 5ft tall and even feathers seem heavy. guns, knives, and strangling won’t work. ideas? better yet come do it for me-i’m too sleep deprived to toss a grenade

  34. Michael Moreno

    If you really want to kill him and his entire family when they are at home. I have an idea. Buy cyanide liquid and pour in his water tank so the moment they drink water they die. Make sure that you are gone too far for vacation.
    This is bad idea also when you return police will be looking for you.

  35. Bobo

    my neighbor kid has offensive voice and attitude. kinda annoying. he’d immitate noises from my room while playing with his toddler friends. i’d like to kill him, or his parents in front of him to leave such scar that won’t heal.

  36. Mike

    I had just this problem with a guy who lived on my street…boiled his carcass in a vat of acid.he screamed for a minute untill his neck dissolved.

  37. Angry of Perranporth

    Amen! My neighbour does the same. He is driving me absolutely insane. I hurt myself because he makes me want to hurt him but he isn’t worth the consequences. I have scars which should belong to him! You put it into words much better than I can.

  38. John Phillips

    Mine likes to hoover 3 o’clock in the morning,but is jobless sells the big issue for a living so he can smoke crack.
    He sits in his room for 11p.m until 4-5 a.m talking as loud as he can and slamming doors when he goes through the i may just nwait for the fucker to come out his room and smash him in the face with my kukri which is blunt but will make a proper mess of him none the less.
    We all live in a shared house and he’s the only one who thinks its fine to be like so and had already been to prison for supposedly stabbing a off duty policeman because the police man had the silly idea to knock on him politely to shut the fuck up so he tell’s me well whats a man supposed to do with a situation like that i wonder ?

  39. I have a greaseball neighbour who does this constantly with his crappy van I call the’Shitmobile.’He does this every time he uses it & often gets out & plays underneath it & then starts it up & repeats this ‘Revving’ over & over again.One day he did this all during the day,totalling 4 hrs.They hate my cats otherwise I would call Noise Control.This whole neighborhood is a ‘Shit Pit’ but this guy needs a lesson.What would happen if I stuffed a gas soaked rag in his muffler? Anyone know how I can shut him up?

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