Stupid revenge on my ex

I think we can all agree that all of our exes are idiots, right?  I mean, they may have some redeeming features but if they weren’t idiots they’d still be with us, right?  Because I know my readers.  My readers are high quality people.  And WE got rid of THEM.  Any appearances to the contrary are optical illusions or the misguided gossipping of other idiots who don’t know what REALLY happened.

If you’re anything like me you will have little private revenges against your ex.  Nothing drastic like planting grass seeds in their clothing or wrecking their car or setting them on fire.  No, I mean little things that they’ll never know about.  Stuff that is essentially meaningless but gives you an outsize sense of satisfaction.

For me, these things usually revolve around things my ex didn’t like or wouldn’t do.  Get your minds out of the gutter.  I mean things like she hated a particular TV show so now I watch it all the time (or more often she insisted on watching a really shitty show and I take great pleasure in never watching it now).  She didn’t like a particular food so now I eat that all the time.  Or, my particular favourite, she had a bit of an obsession regarding what was an acceptable pattern on toilet paper.

She couldn’t bring herself to wipe her arse on any cute animals so wouldn’t buy toilet paper that featured prints of, say, dolphins or puppies.  Suffice to say that I now take great pleasure in using cute little puppies to clean up my shit.  Sometime I also use toilet paper that has puppies printed on it. 

I’m not the only one who does this stuff, right?

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35 Comments

Filed under General Angriness

35 responses to “Stupid revenge on my ex

  1. I get along good with the ‘Old Bastard’, but he lives in Arizona. The rest I have put on a hit list. :-D

  2. Exes?

    What are those? Been with the same woman too long I guess.

  3. Sandra: that sounds like a good approach

    range: lucky you!

  4. Hellboy

    I’m not much sure about “My readers are high quality people”; may be the readers including me are like that but that doesn’t mean the writer is the same :-)
    but your revenging methods are awesome, specially the TP, i have to get one with cute kittens! but the food part hhmm what if i hate the same thing?! :-)

  5. Simon

    My stupid fucking ex-wife didn’t like me swearing. Now I’m fucking unstoppable!

  6. I’ve been with my wife for over 8 years now (married for half of them), so it’s been a long time since I even thought about the last “ex” before my wife.

    BUT: The last time I got dumped (after 4 years) was by a woman whose birthday happened also to be Pearl Harbor Day. She always bitched about having to hear all that “day of infamy” stuff about the Japanese on her birthday. Heehee! I married a Japanese woman…

  7. Hellboy: don’t do anything you don’t like yourself, but revel in the freedom when you are liberated!

    Simon: Fuckin’ A

    Kyklops: HAHAHAHAHA now that’s a weird coincidence (if coincidence is what it was!)

  8. You are crazy and so funny!

    I’ve known only one man, known him for 14 years and married for almost 10 and though Inshallah he’ll never be ‘ex’, that doesn’t stop me from seeking revenge every now and then :)

  9. How about when you’re Ex gets overly jealous when you start to talk about the things that your new love does that your Ex didn’t? Case and point; my Ex wasn’t really into sports, and since I was she was left to sit and watch. My fiance loves sports, so we play together. Don’t get me wrong, my Ex and I are still friends but it’s funny as hell when I make her jealous cause her new boyfriend sucks crap.

  10. aszwet1

    ahh revenge so sweet, so delicious it gives me goosebumbs.
    dating an ex’s best friend.
    beautiful.

  11. Alex

    how did you get it so that anybody can post comments, even if they don’t have a wordpress account? email me a alex dot gorillapress at gmail dot com

  12. i don’t have an ex but i do so love revenge. do you ever send her pictures eating the food while watching the show? and then maybe some shots getting ready to use the pretty butt-wipe…

  13. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    I once dated this kid who had a very dismissive attitude of any wine that was made outside of France.

    So now I always take great pleasure in drinking Georgian wine and Crimean champagne.

    They’re cheap – and tasty.

  14. Congratulations on taking passive aggression to new heights….

    I can’t say I’ve had any similar experiences with exes, the only significant relationships I’ve been in I’ve either left the country after breaking up, and not seeing them since, and my most recent ex is my business partner and the co-owner of this very computer that I live on most of the time, so it’s a bit different. Our problems with each other are out in the open, though I did used to write about him on my blog, how fucking annoying he was and how much he pries into every little thing I do (which he still does) until I realized he was looking at it and got really pissy with me about something I wrote one day.

  15. As for me i believe that I won’t allow someone else to run my life. I just forget about them and do the ultimate revenge. I live the rest of my life without them in my mind or memory. That is much more fun. Life is too short to be so obsessed over someone else who probably doesn’t have a thought in their head about me.

  16. For a while in the late 1990s there was a particularly paretty-pretty brand of loo-roll with little flowers on it called “Camilla”.

    I wondered for years whether Princess Di had it installed in all the loos in Kensington Palace. Hard not to, really.

    Aphra.

  17. Salamaat,
    Who said you gotta wait to be an ex for revenge? I am with Suroor, sometimes I gotta have my dose of revenge to keep the sugar smuggling culprit in my house in check :)

  18. Suroor: you’re very lucky! Although I’m sure the occasional revenge keeps things interesting.

    range: swearing is fucking great!

    Adam: living well is the best revenge :)

    aszwet: that’s some serious revenge!

    stupidtom: that’s taking it to the next level :D

    Natalia: a great revenge that tastes great!

    Michelle: I take everything to new levels, including passive aggressive behaviour.

    tommy: good point, I won’t do something unless I actually like it.

    Aphra: now that’s some personalised revenge

    Maliha: Salamaat, gotta keep the man on his toes!

  19. humm ahh Mr.angry i also wipe my ass with cute furry animals

  20. gruntski

    A Shit Joke

    The bear and the rabbit were walking in the woods one day, when the bear decided to have a crap.

    “Rabbit”, said bear, “when you do a crap, does the shit stick to your fur?”.

    The rabbit looked at the bear totally dumbfounded.

    “Ummm….No, bear, the shit doesn’t stick to my fur at all…”

    “Good”, said bear, and wiped his ass with the rabbit….

  21. Rythmandmusic

    I was reading this and I have to say its ingenious but I’m a girl and that kind of stuff won’t work on men. My boyfriend, I just recently found out, has 2 girls on the side aswell. I want to really psycologically take out insecurities on him and then dump him. I’ve come to figure out he thinks i’m a booty call so now I’ve decided to get a little revenge.

  22. Mr Oddity: Gruntski beat me to the joke you reminded of (the same joke I suspect you may have been thinking of)

    Rythmandmusic: Sounds like the type of guy who can’t be revenged on because he doesn’t take the situation seriously.

  23. rythmandmusic

    lol, I guess ur right.

  24. The best revenge is living well. :) Forget him and concentrate on yourself!

  25. If I were to seek revenge on my ex (I still might, if I find out a few things). It will be through one or more of these things.

    1. Fuck her mother.
    2. Marry the next girl I have a relationship then send her a letter, letting her know how much better the fiance` is than her.
    3. Sleep with her chick friends.
    4. Sleep with some chick she hates and send her a photo with me holding a sign saying “she is so much better than you”.
    5. Ignore her, and move on with my life. (currently doing and it works like a charm, still doesn’t stop me thinking up devious plans of revenge)

  26. I like that you come up with a really devious list but only actually do the best one – live a happy life. The best of both worlds.

  27. It’s the only thing you should really do, esp when your instincts are telling you its a mate thats hooking it up with your ex.

  28. jay

    I was with a guy in a long distance relationship and he was starting a new career, I was over where I was living so we decided (together) that I should move whereever he got his new job.
    He ended it (essentially before we got an ‘actual’ relationship, so our relationship comprised of lots of sms’, phone conversations and hotel rooms.
    About a month after it ended i found a job i liked but it was in the area he had been probably going to be assigned to. So i tried ringing and he wouldn’t answer my calls, so i messaged him and was really clear,
    i like this job but don’t want to apply if it would mean us living in the same town.
    He wrote: why are you telling me about jobs?
    I wrote: get over yourself i don’t want to be working with you.
    He wrote: well you know i work in that area. Your the one who needs to get over me. move on
    I wrote back: i’ve moved on his name is L…..
    he wrote: sure sure

    Anyway so then i was away on a work trip and staying in a hotel room, and took some pictures for one of the girls at work cause she wanted to know what the accomodation was like.
    And although the new guy was a stretch of the truth there was a guy in my life who’s name started with L (the same first initial as my ex) who i was interested in.

    So i sent the picture of the hotel to my ex.
    he wrote: what’s with that
    i wrote: opps. sorry wrong person
    he wrote: sure it was
    i wrote: It was where i stayed last night. Grow up L and L are beside each other in the phone, i guess that makes up for all those times i accidently sent L….. messages meant for you.

    I know it was bitchy but I also know it will bug him not knowing the story. (and I did spend over an hour on the phone to me new L while i was in the hotel room so it was conceivable i might send him a picture of my room)

  29. Sounds like you really needed to get that off your chest, jay. I hope venting worked – it always does for me!

  30. Lady Revenge

    Me and my husband had been arguing a lot..admittedly we didnt love one another and i think its safe to say that we rushed into things at a young age. Only recently did an old female friend of mine come to my door only to tell me that she’d been shagging the bastard for the past year but that she was terribly sorry. Amazingly i was not deeply devestated or depressed or even angry for that…well maybe a little angry..but i mean i remained totally calm…he came home for his tea after work and we sat together whilst he ranted about how poor his day had been and basiacally how badly done to he was! Anyway over the next few weeks or so i began to hate him more with every second we spent together..My mind was bubbling with great schemes to get my revenge…every night he sits in his arm chair and has a glass of wine or two its his ritual…so for the rest of the time we spent together i pissed in his wine bottles ..obviously there was still wine in otherwise it would have been obvious…and sat and watched him drink it..his face didnt even change!..he had no idea…aww the feeling was great..i seriously struggled not to tell him what that he had jst drank my urine and laugh in his face..instead i decided to torture him a little more ! When i made him his dinner i would make every attempt to contaminate his food…i would squeeze dirty dish cloth water over his food or into his drinks..or i would let the dog lick his plate before putting the food on or even lick his food depending on how much of a bastard he had been to me that day…I took great pride in screwing up any plans he had organsied in his planner for work..rescheduling conferences that sort of thing..he didnt suspect a thing…he even threatened to sack his secretary for doing it although i knew it was an empty threat..he was shagging her too you see…i would rub his toothbrush round the toilet rim and smile at him as he brushed his teeth…of course we were no longer intimate at this point thank god!…after a month or so of little pranks i decided to pull off the big one..he went away for the weekend with work..or so he said..and thats when my fun really began!…every single item of clothing i could find i literally shreded even his socks and underwear..all his jewellery e.g. his watches cuff links chains etc i pawned and made a nice profit which i used to go clothes shopping…i also pawned my wedding ring… i had the locks changed on the door, slashed his car tyres of his favourite car, emailed all of his friends telling them that he was leaving me for a man including his mother..then befor i left, knowing that he would stay in our home, i sewed prawns into the lining of our curtains…it took him weeks to realise were the smell had came from!…Aaahhh yes revenge is Sweeet!

  31. I promise to be very nice to you if we ever meet. That is some SERIOUS revenge!

  32. STROONZ

    I think the greatest gift to give an ex is to bash their heads in with a cinderblock.

  33. I’m sure you and the police will have endless fun discussing the relative emrits of that approach.

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