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I’ve been spending a bit of time over the last few days doing videos for the new series of the Fizz (to be known as The Fizz Newzz) which will be going to air on DirecTV in the US over the next six months.  Essentially, they’ve given me some topics to rant on and some news videos to comment on – playing to my strengths in other words.

The news clips they have provided have trended towards the “wacky” end of the spectrum, most of the are fluff pieces done by the Associated Press which are syndicated to networks worldwide.  They have another common element: a disturbing tendency to make really fucking appalling puns to try to highlight the fact that they think the stories are funny.

Every time one of these journos cranks out one of their god-awful lines (“maybe you should eat a chocolate chip cookie while you watch this – what else goes better with milk?”) I’m torn between the urge to cringe in horror and the urge to hunt them down and beat some fucking sense into them.  There’s a reason these people aren’t making a living as standup comedians – they aren’t fucking funny.  Michael Richards got more laughs with his “nigger” routine.

The funniest story (or at least the one that made me laugh most) was done totally straight.  It was all about this animal lover who had been killed when she got into a cage at a zoo with some cheetahs.  Seriously, what’s funnier than someone who actually sponsored the animals to pay for their food ending up as their actual food?  I’m pitching this one as an early front-runner for this year’s Darwin awards.

I’m yet to do a video rant for the Fizz Newzz saying I wish these journos would shut the fuck up and stop trying to be funny, but I can feel it coming.  After all, what could possibly go wrong as I try to start a career on TV with saying the people already on TV are totally fucked? I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.

That’s the news and that’s the truth.

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