Why I avoid conversations in public toilets

A broadly accepted rule of male toilet etiquette is “no conversations” or at least keep conversations to a minimum.  The reasons behind this should be self-evident.  There are situations where I have my penis in my hand and I’m comfortable having a discussion but they are usually more intimate than a public toilet.

I had an experience during lunchtime today at work that illuminated the importance of this rule yet again.  Before describing the offending conversation, some background is in order:

I planned to toast a sandwich for my lunch today, using the sandwich press in the communal kitchenette.  A cow-orker arrived to do the same thing with his ready-made sandwich as I was still in the process of putting my sandwich together.  He was prepared to wait until I had finished but I said not to worry, the sandwich press was big enough for two sandwiches and we should do it at the same time.

My confidence was soon shown to be misplaced, however.  He was using thick bread and lots of ingredients that made his sandwich twice the thickness of mine.  He put his sandwich in the press and wandered off, then I compared my sandwich and realised I couldn’t toast it properly – the top of the press wouldn’t even touch my sandwich while his monster sandwich was in there.

I decided I might as well wait for his to finish toasting before starting mine.  To pass the time I decided to avail myself of the facilities and have a slash.  By coincidence, Mr Big Sandwich was in there at the same time and he chose to break the “no talking” rule.

“Great minds think alike,” he says.  “Toasting sandwiches at the same time and taking a leak at the same time.”

“Yeah,” I responded, “but I should have gone first because yours is so big mine wouldn’t even touch the sides after you got in there.”

Let me just say this: no amount of explanation is every going to convince the bloke who walked in just as I uttered that sentence that the cow-orker and myself were not recounting some sordid extra-curricular activities. 

So once again guys: no talking while standing at the urinal!

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16 Comments

Filed under General Angriness, Work

16 responses to “Why I avoid conversations in public toilets

  1. HA HA FUCKIN HA!!!!

    That’s VERY funny, Mr A!

    Then again, I have a sick sense of humour…

  2. That really is the sort of thing one sees on a very,v ery sordid movie. I like it.

  3. If this really happened (and I trust you, so I believe that it did) then it should get an Oscar. Or at least live on as an Internet story forever – which it probably will.

  4. Oh that just made my day.

    If people haven’t seen it already then they should check out the toilet etiquette video on youtube, which goes nicely with this story:

  5. Thank god I’m working from home today, otherwise I’d have difficulty explaining that manic laugh to my colleagues.

    Now, who can I get to spit their tea all over their desktops by forwarding this on? Ah yes…

  6. Gruntski: you and me both, mate.

    Happychick: exactly what movies are you watching young lady?

    Paddy: you can trust me, what’s not to trust in a man who wears a mask and shows signs of being criminally insane?

    Jacob: I have heaps of videos on toilet etiquette, including the first response to the one you linked to :)

    Matt: thanks

    Massif: Circulate away my man! May there be many drinks snorted through nostrils.

  7. Wow, not much to add except that I hope both of you washed your hands after your conversation.

  8. robologicon

    That’s classic. Something that would have happened on Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm. Did the guy, that just walked in, give you “that look” and walk right back out?

    What are you doing even attempting to share a sandwich press? What if your sandwiches had touched? Shudder the thought.

    The funny thing is that guy that misheard is going to have the wrong impression about you too for the rest of your employ. Be careful, you don’t want rumors to spread. Sorry mate, but I’m so glad that I’m not you right now.

    I agree that bathroom conversation is the lowest form of conversation. Much like Tony Soprano said, ‘ “Remember when” is the lowest form of conversation.’

  9. Yeah, I don’t talk in toilets either.

    In fact, public toilets are a “go in and go out situation” for me.

    I get the idea that for women it’s not the same thing.

    Aren’t you mystified as well why women will go to toilets in packs? For what? I haven’t managed to bug my wife with a wire yet to find out the answer.

  10. Michelle: If only I could have washed my reputation.

    robo: the sandwiches were wearing condoms

    range: women go to the toilet in packs to talk about us.

  11. Mr Angry… I have just had a thought. This here, this “toilet talk” problem, isn’t so much of a problem for girls. But then, I was at the airport today, standing in the never-moving que for the toilet (I swear somebody had constipation), and the lady next to me began to strike up a similar convo (only not about sandwhiches)…. I was thinking :Oh god, lady- we are in a public toilet! Make friends some other place”.

  12. I thought the only reason females went to the toilet was to have conversations ;) I’m sure she thought she was being friendly but I agree with you – she was being creepy.

  13. A new fan

    This is instant classic!! so unreal… You have a good sense of humour, i like you!

  14. Always good to have a new fan :)

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