Monthly Archives: June 2007

Laugh? I nearly shit my pants!

Hi everyone.  I normally reply to every comment but this tsunami of comments came in for my “Miracle diet pill” post while I was sleeping.  You crazy northern hemisphere folk.  Hopefully at least a few of you will stick around and read some of my other material.  God knows there’s enough of it to get through.

My alternative title for this post was “Pants-shittingly funny video.”  It was a close call.  I went with the title above because I thought it would be better search engine bait.  Remember that conversation we were having via comments about search engine terms CinnKitty?  Within a week I’ll be getting some major action from variations of “shit my pants”.  Oh yeah, some high class readership on the way to me.

Anyway, this is a video version of my earlier blog post that has proved so popular.  I intended to do this video as soon as I wrote the post but its popularity sealed the deal.  I often do video versions of my blog posts and in this case I definitely wanted to strike while the iron was hot.

I thought the post in question might be popular – after all, who doesn’t laugh at poo jokes?  This was actually one of the very few posts I have written where I was laughing as I wrote it.  I suspect that was as much from the source material (the diet pill website) as it was from any jokes I was writing.  I found it almost impossible to believe they could write such unintentionally funny material.

For a while I suspected that it was maybe only my sick mind that would find it so funny.  But the popularity of the post has proved you’re all a pack of sick little monkeys.  SO maybe you like the moving pictures too:


Go ahead and subscribe – you know you want to!
http://www.youtube.com/angryaussie
http://www.livevideo.com/AngryAussie

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alli: Miracle diet pill with teeny-tiny side effect

I found this news on Salon.com and felt compelled to throw my 2c in. There’s a “new” over-the-counter drug available in the US that’s apparently flying off the shelves. It’s called alli (note the way trendy lower case!) and I use the term “new” loosely because it’s apparently a lower strength version of a prescription-only drug (Xenical) that’s been around for a while.

So what does this incredibly popular wonder drug do? Well, not to go all Bill Clinton on you, but it depends on what your definition of “do” is. You see, there’s (1)what the drug company markets it as, (2)the medical description of what it does and (3)the biggest effect you’re actually going to notice.

The drug company markets it as a weight loss pill. They say it will give “safe, effective weight loss”. Because it’s FDA approved it must be good. What could possibly go wrong?

A simplified medical description of the drug is that it’s a fat blocker. It stops your body from absorbing some of the fat in your diet. It doesn’t burn calories. But fat that would have otherwise been absorbed by your body… isn’t. Because fat contains calories less calories will go into your body.

But here’s the most important thing the drug does: it makes you shit oil. Worse, it makes you shit your pants. With oil. This is not the ravings of some fringe conspiracy group, this is what the company tells you itself on its website. Buy our drug if you want to lose weight. Oh, by the way, you’ll end up shitting your pants.

Neat, huh? No wonder it’s selling so well. That large sector of the public that enjoy having their pants filled with liquefied shit has been seriously under-catered to up until now.

The drug company indulges in classic marketing bullshit that really pisses me off but they still fail to obscure the horror of what’s going to happen to you if you take their drug. The first bit of marketing bullshit they spin that makes me want to smack them in the fucking head is the old “eat healthier and exercise more to get the full benefits”.

Hello?!?!?! If you eat less fat and exercise you don’t need their fucking pills. I’m sick of these sleazy companies pretending that they’re promoting health. They’re promoting bad habits and laziness. The subtext to the whole thing is “this drug lets you lose weight with NO exercise and NO change to your eating patterns”. People who can eat healthier and exercise more aren’t interested in this shit. But the company doesn’t think it’ll get away with an advertising slogan along the lines of “Fuck diet and exercise! Take these pills and shit your weight away!”

The second thing they do that pisses me off is deliberately using language designed to obscure the full horror of the effects of their drug. They can’t even come clean and call them “side-effects”, instead going with “treatment effects”. Hell, maybe they’re right, these aren’t side effects. Side effects are incidental to the main effects. Shitting your pants is the main effect of this drug. It literally is the treatment effect.

Try as they might, their weasel words can’t hide how horrible their drug actually is. Following are actual quotes from their website followed by Mr Angry’s no bullshit translation.

Website Bullshit (WSBS): You may get:

  • gas with oily spotting,
  • loose stools
  • more frequent stools that may be hard to control

No BS: The following things will happen to you:

  • You will spray oil when you fart
  • You will have diarrhoea
  • You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels to the point where you shit your pants

WSBS: The excess fat that passes out of your body is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.

No BS: Oh dear god. Pizza is one of my favourite foods and these evil fucks have done their best to turn me off it for life. It will be very hard to look at a pizza again without wondering if someone on this drug has taken a shit on it.

WSBS: Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. (my emphasis)

No BS: Even if you do cut back on fat, you’re still going to shit oil.

WSBS: …pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect.

No BS: Do not go out in public after taking this drug. You are going to shit yourself. Stay close to a toilet.

WSBS: If you’re getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over.

No BS: Don’t say you weren’t warned. You are seriously going to shit yourself.

WSBS: You may not usually get gassy, but it’s a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens.

No BS: You’re old life is over. Forget what you think you know about your body. You are going to fart uncontrollably. And there will be follow-through. This is not going to be something you want to share.

And my absolute favourite (which is to say, the part of the website that horrifies me most):

“You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work.”

Oh. My. Fucking. God. They are so sure you are going to shit your pants they are saying you should accept the inevitable. There is no way to avoid this. So wear dark pants to hide the liquid shit stains. And bring a change of clothes. Because your first set are going to get impregnated with liquid shit.

To me, this is the ultimate evidence that western society is utterly fucked. You can tell people that taking a pill will make them shit their pants uncontrollably. And your pill will be an utterly out of control success.

There was also a link to a video where you could “watch alli in action”. I assume this is a video showing people shitting their pants. I couldn’t bring myself to look. Try a video you might be able to stomach – I’ve done a video version of this post for your viewing pleasure.

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Filed under General Angriness

Competition time! Win fabulous cash and prizes!

OK, so I’m not actually giving away cash.  And whether or not the prize is fabulous depends on how easily impressed you are.  Inspired by Sandra, I’ve decided to have a contest for people to submit potential t-shirt slogans for Mr Angry.

I’ve been meaning for months to do new t-shirts but I keep failing to get around to it.  When I say “I” am going to do it, that means getting my girlfriend to do the lettering.  Because it would look like shit if I did it.  Sandra actually suggested one months ago that I had been intending to make: “Do I look like I give a fuck?”  Another I had been intending to make was “Shut the fuck up.”

There are also a few more ideas I’ve already had shown in the attached videos.  But here are the contest rules (subject to completely arbitrary changes at my whim) for people who don’t want to watch the video:

1. Write a slogan that you think would make a good Mr Angry t-shirt

2. The winner will be chosen by me, guided mainly by popular acclaim but also maybe the one I like best won’t be the one with most votes

3. Don’t enter if you’re going to get miffed if I don’t pick your entry.  That would make me sad.

4. The prize will be your very own one-of-a-kind hand lettered Mr Angry t-shirt with your winning logo/slogan.  So make it something you’d want to wear or at least occasionally show people.

5. That’s basically it unless I make up any more arbitrary rules.

6. The judge’s decision is final.  No correspondence will be entered into.  Don’t even think of trying to fuck with me over this.

Oh yeah, one more point, when making t-shirts for myself I basically chose the cheapest t-shirts I could find.  I promise to actually use a good quality shirt for the prize.  You can even nominate colour and style (within reason).  So get to it!

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Is God an IT Consultant?

Having stirred a few creationists on YouTube lately, I got to thinking about the modern creationist’s favourite weasel words, “intelligent design”.  Intelligent?  You think?  What part of disease, famine, war is intelligent? 

All of which reminds me painfully of many IT consultants I’ve had to work with over the years.  These people are employed because of their supposed expertise.  They’re paid a fortune.  And they manage to fuck things up over and over.

OK, a brief disclaimer here.  Technically, I’m an IT consultant.  So if you’re one and you were thinking of taking offence, don’t bother.  You’re obviously one of the good ones.  Like me.

The bad ones certainly act as though they think they’re god.  Just try questioning one of them.  Righteous hellfire and brimstone is sure to follow.  I’m starting to suspect this is where intelligent design proponents are coming from.  Actually, they could probably get me on their side if they started pushing a “god as IT consultant” theory.

It would certainly explain a lot.  If you ever got to question god on why so many aspects of creation are so utterly fucked up, the response would be along the lines of: “well, it was designed according to the spec.  Technically, there’s nothing wrong with my design, it’s your implementation that’s the problem.”

This is pretty close to the explanation I was always given at catholic school.  Everything good = god.  Everything bad = satan and the wickedness of man.  Which always struck me as a bit of a cop out.  Fluffy bunnies, cute babies and beautiful sunsets are because god loves you.  Horrible things like disease, genocide and really bad TV shows happen because you’re wicked and you deserve it.

When it comes down to it, I have no problem with the concept of divinity or some sort of higher plane of existence in the afterlife.  It’s just that I think using this as an excuse to interfere with my life here and now is fucked up. 

The idea that any sort of supreme being could possibly give a shit about whether or not they have my adoration and supplication makes no sense to me.  The idea of inflicting eternal damnation on a lesser being is the product of vain human thinking, not the wisdom of a deity.

Judge me on whether or not my actions help people here and now, that I can deal with.  Judge scientific thinking on its merits, don’t ban it because it offends the magic guy in the sky nobody can see. 

And if god really is an IT consultant, we should have read the fine print in the contract.  Because there are a hell of a lot of bugs that still need fixing.  Does anyone know the number of the help desk?  I tried calling the pope but he called me a smartarse and hung up.

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A quarter of a million doses of angry

I passed the 250,000 view mark this week. More than a quarter of a million times, my angry little voice has spurted out across cyberspace. Actually, I guess if you count my YouTube views it’s more than a million times. That’s good for a laugh.

Actually, on more than one occasion it has been a little freaky to consider. The number of times my blog has been found by people searching on the term “I want to kill myself” is more than a little disconcerting.

Still, I started this blog for catharsis as much as anything else and the nerve I seem to have touched with a large number of readers with my angry outbursts is gratifying. I knew I was angry but it’s fun to see how many other people are angry too.

I’m planning to branch out from this blog. This blog will, of course, continue but I’m exploring a few other avenues. I’m going to republish some of my more serious work-oriented pieces on a site called thisisby.us that (theoretically) pays contributors who generate ad clicks. Also, I’m trying my luck on LiveVideo – YouTube is pissing me off so much I’m getting desperate for an alternative.

I think embedded LiveVideo looks better as well, see if you agree:

UPDATE: I hope you enjoyed that “classic” Mr Angry video. I’ve decided to do a side by side comparison with a YT and LV version of a video shot on my new camera. See what you think:

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Don’t look behind you

You probably shouldn’t watch this video if you’re superstitious. 

This is another product of my Doctor Who geekfest.  One of the episodes has this classic horror movie moment when a guy (who is working on a space station that may or may not be in the process of being overtaken by the devil) starts hearing a voice in his head saying “don’t look behind you.”

This is what I do for fun.  You wouldn’t want to meet me in a dark alley.

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Exterminate!

I’ve been geeking out with Doctor Who recently.  I used to watch the original series all the time growing up.  It was my favourite show without a doubt at the time but in retrospect it’s incredibly cheesy.  It went of the air in the 90s but they resurrected it (fans would say regenerated) a few years ago.  The difference between the old and new series is comparable to the difference between the old and new Battlestar Galactica.

The new series is totally different to the original in style.  When you watched the old series you got the feeling the BBC had hired a bunch of out of work stage actors on the cheap whereas the actors in the new series definitely know how to act for TV.  Also, rather importantly, the budget is obviously massive by comparison and so production standards are commensurately higher. 

It was kind of fun when watching the original series to pick out what piece of off-the-shelf crap they were using as a cheap prop/special effect.  My favourite was probably when they tried to show a guy was morphing into a space slug by having bubble-wrap wrapped around his hand.  It was spray painted green so you knew it was space-slug-morphing bubble wrap.

Anyway, the cable service here ran marathons of the first and second seasons of the new series over the weekend.  More than 12 hours each day – geek heaven!  Apparently the merchandising for Doctor Who in the UK is a bit over the top, there are Doctor Who products everywhere.  Including the mug in this video, sent over from England for my girlfriend’s little boy from his grandma.

The sound samples built into that mug are of the coolest of all Doctor Who Monsters, the Daleks. The second coolest are the Cybermen.   Both have been resurrected for the new series and Doctor Who geeks got their ultimate wet dream when the two were brought together at the conclusion of season two.  For this Doctor Who geek, the ultimate moment came when the Daleks and Cybermen started trash talking each other.

The Cybermen suggested an alliance with the Daleks (which would have been bad news for our heroes) but the Daleks rejected the Cybermen as inferior.  For a couple of emotionless robotic races they got pretty shitty with one another, having an exchange that went something like this:

Cyberman: Why not join forces?  Our systems are compatible although your design is inelegant.

Dalek: Daleks have no concept of elegance.

Cyberman: That is obvious.

Dalek: We will exterminate you!

Cyberman: There are millions of us, how many are you?

Dalek: Four.

Cyberman: You will defeat us with only four Daleks?

Dalek: We would defeat you with one Dalek!

Pwned!  Take that cyber-bitch!

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Make a point, make it quick

This videos was a response to another YouTuber who was sick of over-long, pointless videos. The challenge was to make a video that was some form of social commentary and make it less than 90 seconds long. Here goes:

It’s also the first vid where you get to see my cool new backdrop in action!

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What a disappointment

Further to my rant yesterday about YouTube’s shortcomings, I have noticed there are two types of failings that seem to make people particularly angry. 

One is the case that I mentioned yesterday, namely, when someone seems capable of great things but falls painfully short of the standards you expect of them.  They may be achieving higher than 99% of the population but because you placed such high expectations on them (rightly or wrongly) you end up really disappointed with their failure to achieve.

A second one I’ve noticed is when you see yourself in someone else’s failings.  I know I do this myself and based on my observations, other people do it too.  I’m not sure what it is but I definitely have a tendency to get more angry with someone when they’re doing something that I know is one of my bad habits.  The thought process goes something like this:

“That person really pisses me off…

“I do that as well…

“I hate being reminded of what a fuck-up I am…

“Man, fuck other people!  Like I give a shit about what anyone else thinks…

“HEY DICKHEAD, WAKE THE FUCK UP TO YOURSELF”

Or maybe I’m the only one who’s this neurotic.  Does anyone else react this way?

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Fuck YouTube! Seriously.

I have decided YouTube is like an amazingly gifted athlete who is utterly unable to empathise with other humans.  This athlete is capable of doing things you didn’t think were possible prior to their arrival on the scene.  And they don’t just do it, they make it look effortless.  You feel carried along by them because they’re on your team.  You’re amazed at what you can accomplish with their help.

But every now and then they take a big shit right in your face. 

And this isn’t a one time event.  At regular intervals, they’ll totally fuck you over and won’t even respond when you ask “Why the fuck did you do that?!?!?!”  They might have a good reason for doing it.  After all, they operate on a higher plane than you.  How are you to know whether or not what they are doing is for the greater good?  Of course, they could tell you their reasons.  You’d pay attention to them if they told you because you owe them so much.

But they don’t say a fucking thing.

You have no way of knowing why they do these shitty things.  So you assume it’s because they don’t fucking care.  You’re some sort of insignificant bug to them.  So you’re still grateful for the good that they do but each time you’re treated like shit you get a little more resentful.  It gets to the point where pretty much every time you mention them it’s to say how fucked up they are.  And you spend a LOT of time thinking of ways to survive without them.

YouTube’s latest fuckups have been the same as their old fuckups.  I mean literally the same.  These problems have happened multiple times before when they’ve made “upgrades” and they’ll doubtless happen again multiple times in the future.  Gruntski pointed out to me the videos I’d embedded in this blog were doing weird things.  This was due to “improvements” YouTube made to their embedded video player.

Completely fucking unannounced improvements, mind you.  The addition of links to so-called “related videos” was obviously an attempt to get people to spend more time on YouTube and fair enough.  But some fucking communication would have been nice.  It’s the complete lack of communication from YouTube that drives me stark, raving mad.

So along with these upgrades came a slew of site performance problems: uploaded videos were taking ages to be available for viewing (one of mine took more than 24 hours), video statistics (view counts etc.) were utterly fucked and the one that bugged me most of all was the link to new videos from creators you subscribe to that usually appears on the home page was missing altogether (it’s back now).

The absurdity of YouTube’s continuing public relations hari-kiri is that the whole fucking site is built around the concept of communication by video and they never do this!  Why they choose to avoid this stunningly obvious method of communicating with users is completely beyond me.  And like I said before, when someone makes absolutely no effort to communicate with you when they’re treating you badly, it’s only natural to assume that this is because they don’t care about you.

I’ve had numerous invitations to join other video sharing sites like LiveVideo with the invitations always including flattery like “It’s really shitty that you’ve never been featured on YouTube, I bet if you joined site X you’d be featured in no time!”  It’s tempting and possibly true.  There are three main reasons why I haven’t dumped YouTube so far:

1. WordPress doesn’t support the embedding of videos from all sites.  I know it does support more than YouTube but it doesn’t seem to support the ones I’m most likely to defect to (like Revver).  Being able to post video to WordPress is very important to me.

2. I’m incredibly lazy.  I used to post to both YouTube and Revver but it didn’t seem worth the effort.  It would take more time than I’m willing to dedicate to develop a following on another site while maintaining my user base on YouTube.  I probably shouldn’t be so lazy but I am.  Regardless of the disbelief of the haters, I do have a full time day job as well.

3. YouTube still has the biggest audience.  By a massive margin.  The carrot of that huge potential audience is a powerful thing.  At least to shallow attention whores like me.

One more thing YouTube has in common with an elite sociopathic athlete is they don’t seem to realise that no matter how total their dominance feels today, it’s a fleeting thing.  History shows over and over again how businesses that were top of their field end up being skewered by their competition.  And the online world moves exponentially faster than the offline world.  YouTube could easily forestall their competition for at least a couple of years simply by treating their users better.

It remains to be seen whether or not they will.

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