Top seven angry weight loss tips

I noticed I’m putting on a little weight.  The first spring blossoms are appearing now so I need to take some action to be in better shape for summer.  I used to be on the upper end of the “husky” scale but I managed to lose 25kg.  So I know about weight loss.

Here’s Mr Angry’s top weight loss tips:

1. STOP EATING, YOU FAT FUCK!

2. Get off your arse once in a while.  Why are you sitting at your computer writing about weight loss?  Get out and do something.

3. Why are there chips and chocolate in your pantry?  Those things aren’t food!  Stop buying them!

4. Portion control!  A little bit extra with one meal won’t hurt.  A little bit extra with every meal is what turns you into a fat bastard.

5. Only drink sugar-free drinks – it makes a big difference.  Don’t pay attention to those freaks who say you should only drink water, that’s boring.  And definitely ignore the conspiracy theory freaks who want to tell you diet cola will give you cancer.  Those nutjobs think the World Trade Centre was blown up with Aspartame.

6. See a doctor about prescription appetite suppressants.  That stuff is the shit!  Legal speed!  Oh, and it’s easier to lose weight when your appetite is suppressed.

7. DO NOT go for alli or Xenical.  That shit is fucked up.

But don’t forget rule one: STOP EATING YOU FAT FUCK!

Seriously.

- – - – - -

By the way, I’m sure someone’s going to make a comment along the lines that this post is insensitive.  That fat people are discriminated against.  That it’s someone’s fault besides their own that they’re so fucking fat.  Yeah, you’re right. I’m incredibly insensitive and prejudiced towards myself.  I’m very cruel that way.  You can go away now.

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22 Comments

Filed under General Angriness

22 responses to “Top seven angry weight loss tips

  1. shadowshian

    well my problem isnt losing weight hell i forget to eat if im working on something on the computer. so besides eating once a day if i remember i walk maybe 5-7 km every day 3 km additional to that when im in school.

  2. shadowshian

    oh yea and why i walk so much becouse i dont own a fucking car and i havent found enaugh time to fix my bike

  3. “DO NOT go for alli or Xenical. That shit is fucked up.”

    Quite literally.

  4. Rose

    Rule 1a) Remember: the purpose of food consumption is to satisfy hunger. If you do not have hunger that needs to be satisfied, do not eat. And then, once you are no longer hungry, stop eating.

    Rule 8) If you’re not hungry but your craving for chocolate or whatever is giving you a migraine, have only a little chocolate. Go for a small truffle or two rather than an entire chocolate cake.

    Rule 9) Fruits and vegetables are not going to kill you. Fruit, in particular, is very good, because it’s easy to feel full with fruit. Also, they’re delicious.

    Rule 10) Don’t go on the Atkins diet. Once you get off it you put on weight like a recently dumped woman. And you will go off it, because the Atkins diet will fuck with your system.

  5. Rule 10, Not necesarily true Rose. The atkins diet plan is a plan, not really a diet. It’s not something you “go off of”. It’s a way of eating.

    Don’t go on a diet in the first place. The true way to dropping the pounds is by making changes to how you eat, what you eat, exercise and making changes to how you think.

    It has to become a lifestyle change.

    the biggest tip is to “stop calling yourself fat” and focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.

    refer to yourself as a “lean successful, fat burning machine” and then live it.

    I released 300 pounds of fat. I figure I know what I’m taking about.

    Be well, cool site

  6. I follow 2, 3, 5 and law when it comes to losing the pounds.

  7. Vladimir

    Several days ago I stumbled across this article of a quite reputable author. Seems funny:
    http://headrush.typepad.com/creating_passionate_users/2006/05/the_strangest_e.html

  8. Eat less. Move more. All the rest is distracting.

  9. Well I noticed something just when I was shopping the other Day.
    I am gainaing Weight but Losing Mass
    Muscle weighs mor ehten fat
    -smiley

  10. Ooh.. so you’re self hating. It doesn’t mean that you’re not a bigot. You’re just a big fat bigot:)

  11. I’d add in a #8, Mr. Angry.

    #8: seek help via a Nutritionist and phychologist. Seriously, you have to break the mental habits in regards to food and getting the help of both of these professionals can really help stop the self-destructive cycles. :)

  12. Shadow: you’ll never go wrong with all that walking. Although eating regularly is a good idea

    Louis: horribly true

    Rose: good, practical tips

    Former fat guy: glad it works for you, although the way some people go on about Atkins it sounds creepily like a cult

    Engtech: they’re probably the most sensible from the list

    Vlad: that was an interesting link, thanks

    Debutant: Simplicity. I like it.

    Smilingchaos: that’s a very important point for people to realise if they are building muscle – most of that height/weight stuff goes out the window

    Michelle: full of self-loathing, I am. Cool icon BTW.

    CinnKitty: The most effective weight loss plan I’ve had is pre-packaged food. I won’t name the company (because they’re not paying me) but they package all your food – nutritionally balance, proper portion sizes. It was very effective in helping me get better food eating habits.

  13. gruntski

    Dude, is that pre-package stuff you are talking about available at supermarkets, or only via highly expensive programs?

  14. gruntski

    And does it taste like shit (more to the point, I suppose)?

  15. DOA

    I’ve found that 30-60 minutes of exercise 5 days a week can work miracles after a month or two. And this from someone who despises physical labor more than the Americans hate Osama.
    Incidentally when I read about Spring coming I though you were on drugs (been distilling that cold medicine after all), until I realized you’re on the southern hemisphere.

  16. Hey Gruntski- I know a place in the good ole USofA that you can get pre-packaged food …all you could ever want. Just walk into any local open air shopping mall and look for a shop with the sign “A.R.M.Y.” over it. Not only will you get the great food, but they will pay *YOU* to eat it. :)

    ha..ha.ha.!!

  17. Gruntski: it’s home delivered pre-packages stuff. The cost for 3 meals a day for seven days plus snacks ranges from $120-140 a week. You can order less than that and pay less. It’s cheaper than what I’d spend myself with takeaway and everything.

    DOA: But I’m far too lazy!

    CinnKitty: I hear they give you a fair bit of exercise too!

  18. I do not believe in diets myself. The only thing you can do is eat healthy, do sports and don’t eat to much crap. Lifting weights is a good way to lose fat and gain lean muscle mass. It burns up a lot more calories than aerobic exercise. So that might help. Lots of great sites out there on the subject!

  19. I actually have a couple of ways that work, I just have to motivate myself.

  20. KeV

    as former fat guy said, one of the best ways of losing weight, is by overcoming mental blocks, most people ive worked with as a fitness instructor find it hardest to start the excercises, but once they get on track feel much better and gain confidence, the uphill battle is starting excercise programs. Although food moderation is definately a good way of going about things, starving yourself is never the solution, and as rose pointed out, certain schemes (not mentioning names) are only good while you follow them, and may result in an ugly effect the second you come off of em. The best way (in my opinion) to lose weight healthily is by eating what you would normally eat (without over doing portions), while following an excercise program, what one may choose to do is jog, starting off with around 10mins a day and eventually building up to half an hour, perhaps adding 5mins a week until reaching this 30min milestone.
    Also, do not forget to have a good breakfast, people who do not do so tend to put on weight quicker as they tend to eat random (often fattening) things between meals.
    O my, I was originally gonna comment just to say that i like your blogs and look at all this ive ended up writing instead =O
    Keep it up Angry :)

  21. I hear you, I should start working out again. I’ve stopped for a year and need to get back on it. The trouble is that in Taiwan, you don’t really want to run outside because of the pollution. Well, I don’t in any case. I’ll find a gym and get at it. I used to run 45 minutes a day 6 times a week before.

  22. Hello there, I discovered your site by the use of Google at the same time as looking for a similar topic, your website got here up, it looks good. I’ve bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

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