I noticed I’m putting on a little weight. The first spring blossoms are appearing now so I need to take some action to be in better shape for summer. I used to be on the upper end of the “husky” scale but I managed to lose 25kg. So I know about weight loss.
Here’s Mr Angry’s top weight loss tips:
1. STOP EATING, YOU FAT FUCK!
2. Get off your arse once in a while. Why are you sitting at your computer writing about weight loss? Get out and do something.
3. Why are there chips and chocolate in your pantry? Those things aren’t food! Stop buying them!
4. Portion control! A little bit extra with one meal won’t hurt. A little bit extra with every meal is what turns you into a fat bastard.
5. Only drink sugar-free drinks – it makes a big difference. Don’t pay attention to those freaks who say you should only drink water, that’s boring. And definitely ignore the conspiracy theory freaks who want to tell you diet cola will give you cancer. Those nutjobs think the World Trade Centre was blown up with Aspartame.
6. See a doctor about prescription appetite suppressants. That stuff is the shit! Legal speed! Oh, and it’s easier to lose weight when your appetite is suppressed.
7. DO NOT go for alli or Xenical. That shit is fucked up.
But don’t forget rule one: STOP EATING YOU FAT FUCK!
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By the way, I’m sure someone’s going to make a comment along the lines that this post is insensitive. That fat people are discriminated against. That it’s someone’s fault besides their own that they’re so fucking fat. Yeah, you’re right. I’m incredibly insensitive and prejudiced towards myself. I’m very cruel that way. You can go away now.