Monthly Archives: February 2008

A love letter to the haters

You come into my house, firing your gun in the air like you’re some sort of cowboy.  You think that you’re going to scare me, that you’re going to disrupt what I’m doing.  But this is my house.  My rules. 
You can make noise but you can’t hurt me.  The laws of physics don’t apply here.  I control the limits of what happens.  You can fire your gun into the air but I have things set up so eventually you have to put the gun down on the table.  You don’t have any choice about that.  And what do I do with that gun I’ve forced you to put down?
I put it in your fucking mouth and I pull the fucking trigger.
You gave me that power.  You placed all your being into that stupid hater comment.  You can lie all you like but it doesn’t change the truth.  Everything that’s you is in there and now I can destroy you.  I can choose my method as well: I can spray your entrails all over the walls or I can simply erase you from existence. 
None of your protestations to the contrary matter.  None of your false bravado means anything.  You have declared to the world that you are utterly meaningless.  You have told everyone that you’re scared of me.  I have something you could never have.  I do things you could never conceive of doing.  You’re desperately jealous.  And desperately afraid.  It’s that fear and sense of inadequacy that makes you lash out.
You delude yourself that this tells the world how strong you are, how you’re above it all, how you’re keeping it real.  All you’ve really done is write in letters 100 feet high: “I’m scared.”  And for those who say it’s only the internet, it doesn’t count, I’m only doing it “for the lulz” – you’re partly right.
You don’t count.
You don’t count and you never will until you come to terms with some simple concepts like respect and basic human decency.  Without that, you’ll never be any more than a passing annoyance that’s instantly forgotten.  Treading in dogshit has a more lasting impact than your comments.  When I scrape the dogshit off, the smell lingers a while.  When I destroy you in comments, when I delete your comments, when I block you… you’re gone.  You cease to have any relevance.
At least the dogshit served a productive purpose once.
So I’ve got your number.  You’ve got nothing.  And I don’t care.  I don’t want you to change.  I don’t want you to apologise.  Because that would change nothing.  You still wouldn’t count for shit.  You can continue to delude yourself for your whole life as far as I’m concerned.  That won’t change the truth.  You desperately wish you had what I have.
And you’ll never have anything I want.

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Filed under Video Blogging

Melbourne awesomeness – the best street art in the world

One of the great things about working in the CBD of Melbourne is the diversity.  Lots of great place to eat, great places to shop, an interesting array of people.  And some of the best street art you’ll find anywhere in the world.  Here’s some examples that I shot on a recent lunch hour.  Everything you see in these videos was in just two alleys, about a two minute walk away from each other.

Music in both videos is from NSG’s debut album, “Working Class Superstar”.

http://www.nsg-music.co.uk
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=fvUnNrCoD6o

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A voyage on the Enterprize – attacked by pirates!

For any Star Trek fans who are having trouble dealing with the delays to the new Star Trek movie – I have something to tide you over.  On a recent weekend I got to go on a reproduction of the Enterprise that will be used in the new movie.
Actually, that’s close to a complete lie.  The Enterprize I was on is actually a reproduction of the tall ship that brought the first white settlers to Melbourne.  Which mean it’s Batman’s ship.  I’m not making that up.  Melbourne was founded by Batman.  Is your city that cool?
So maybe my weekend had nothing to do with Star Trek (although there is an image of the Enterprize in the opening credits of the most recent series, “Enterprise”) and I didn’t see any caped crusaders.  But I am pretty sure there was a genuine pirate on board.  Judge for yourself:
All in all, a fine way to spend a sunny day in Melbourne.

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Filed under Video Blogging

Angry bloopers

I frequently get asked if I have any good bloopers. People assume with the volume of videos I make, I must fuck up a fair bit. They’re right. People also tell me they think it would be funny to see me get angry when I screw up. Funny is a personal judgement but I think the answer to that one is also yes.

Take for example the video I recently posted of kangaroos on a golf course. I opened that video with a pretty cheesy slapstick comedy joke revolving around a sign for a scenic lookout. Gimme a break – I saw a sign that said “lookout” and I couldn’t resist. It reminded me of an old Far Side comic.

The thing is, it was a fairly obvious and simple setup but I had a bastard of a time gettign it right. See for yourself:

Many thanks to my long-suffering girlfriend who was my camera operator on the day. Her sanity saved me when I was really losing it by reassuring me we could come back the next day. How did I respond to her calming influence? By saying:

Yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here… FUCK THIS SHIT!”

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Kangaroo golf hazards in Australia

Every now and then I like to provide evidence that I’m a frustrated nature documentarian.  If that’s the correct word.  Anyway, living in a country with such diverse wildlife, there are plenty of opportunities for making nature videos.  This one probably looks like a set-up but it’s absolutely legitimate.
On a golf course just off the Great Ocean Road south of Melbourne there’s a golf course with a rather unique hazard on the fairways…
The tourism board should be paying me money for this stuff.

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Great moments in ad placement

I don’t know about you, but I’ve stayed out of the so-called next generation DVD wars.  I’m old enough to have actually bought a Betamax VCR and paid the price.  Besides which, neither of these formats will enjoy the dominance DVD has had for the last ten years because they’ll be replaced by digital downloads before they gain that sort of foothold.
A series of nails seems to be getting nailed into the coffin of Toshiba’s HD-DVD format so I wasn’t surprised to see an article predicting that Toshiba were about to admit defeat.  But I was amused while reading the article in The Age website  to see an ad for HD-DVD prominently placed in the same article pronouncing it dead in the water.
There’s an old advertising joke that says “50% of all advertising money is wasted – if only we knew which 50%.”  He’s a tip: the money spent advertising a product next to an article saying that product is dead?  That’s probably wasted.
As the advertising for sites like The Age is dynamic this little gem of irony will be a fleeting thing.  If you have a similar sense of humour to me, you may appreciate the fact that I saved a screen shot of this little piece of advertising magic:
screen shot
For the pedants:
  • I know nobody at Toshiba said “please place an ad for our product next to an article saying our product is dead”
  • I know nobody at The Age said “Let’s put an ad for HD-DVD next to an article saying it’s dead” – Toshiba simply bought an set amount of advertising and the ad was placed an arbitrary number of times in a particular section of the website
  • Get a fucking sense of humour
  • No, your sense of humour isn’t fine, if you can’t just appreciate a simple joke without deconstructing it and finding fault you are fucked up!
  • If you’re the sort of obsessive dweeb who behaves this way, here a few more to set you off:
  • Ron Paul is a gay nazi paedophile drug-smuggling terrorist
  • Open source software is a communist plot designed to destroy our way of life and murder kittens
  • Your mother fucks truck drivers for 50c a throw and most of the time they ask for their money back

Can anyone tell I’ve had to deal with some really stupid obsessive-compulsive pedants recently?

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Filed under Internet

A quick update

A quick update.  The artist whose music I used in my valentines day video has asked me to “leak” his album online.  So for a limtied time, follow this link to download NSG’s debut album “Working Class Superstar” in its entirity for free!

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Filed under YouTube