Heroin is fun

Heroin is fun*.  It really is.

By which I mean, revulsion and fear regarding heroin use are so strong in so many people that even mentioning heroin tends to provoke a strong response.  Also, not everyone shares my sense of humour.

Case in point: at work I’m getting one of my many drinks of high-caffeine cola I require to make it through a day.  A drone cow-orker feels compelled to comment that this is an unhealthy thing to drink.  I get really fucking sick of this type of comment.  Usually I’d pretty much ignore it but I decided to respond.

“Well, given that I actually have very few bad habits I think I’ll survive.  I don’t smoke and I rarely drink alcohol so let me have this vice.”

She seems prepared to stop with the unwanted platitudes at this point so I probably should have left well enough alone.  But she really annoyed me.  So I followed up with:

“In fact, if it wasn’t for the heroin I’d be leading quite a clean lifestyle.”

This little throwaway line leads what I will charitably call an uncomfortable silence.  She’s staring at me with a look that seems to be equal parts shock, horror, revulsion and pity.  I could do without the pity.

The first thought that goes through my head is “She can’t possibly think that was anything but a joke.  She doesn’t have to think it’s a funny joke but she must know it’s a joke.”  Then I think about it for a while and realise this is the sort of unimaginative lump who gets all their “information” from nightly current affairs tabloid shows.  She is clearly waiting for me to grow horns.

In situations like this, my mind tends to go a hundred miles an hour.  I mentally run through multiple scenarios of how this could play out in seconds.  None of the scenarios I was imagining were ending well.  Every variation of “It was a joke!” had me looking like a junkie in denial.  Or maybe a junkie who was getting agitated because he was strung out and in need of a hit.

Then the evil part of my brain took over.  The part that thinks it’s funny to fuck with repressed people.  Hey, whispered my evil brain, if she’s gonna treat that obvious joke seriously then go the whole way.  Freak her the fuck out.  Say something about “watch out for used syringes near my desk”.  Ask her if she can loan you some money.  Or just roll your eyes and then collapse.

That last one started to sound real good.  It would have a double bonus of scaring the cow-orker and I wouldn’t have to finish the conversation.  I could just lie on the floor until she ran away.  Approximately three nanonseconds before I put this plan into action she backed out of the kitchen.  I didn’t hear running but it’s distinctly plausible that she was sprinting for safety as soon as she was out of sight.

In retrospect, if you’ve just told someone you’re using heroin, staring at them glassy-eyed until they leave the room isn’t the best way to convince them you were joking.

*NOTE: This is not an endorsement of using heroin.  If you’re stupid enough to think it is then you’re too fucking stupid to accept this disclaimer.  Let’s just go with “I’m a horrible and irresponsible person”.  And fuck you.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Heroin is fun

  1. @Angry

    I could guess that she would be more OK with Ecstasy use than Heroin use. I wonder what she thinks of those foreigners who smoke Opium.

    I guess also that she supports prohibition of particular substances even though this creates an illegal and corrupt drug trade.

    I glad I don’t work with her since I would easily offend her.

  2. ohhh…pathological fear! tragic that she seems deficient in humour – but then, exposure to tabloid “journalism” is only going to feed her anxieties – she’s prolly freaking out about youth gangs, killer germs and terrorists as well!

  3. Vladimir

    Did you ever try “it’s not the cola I should be worried about, but that brain tumor” kind of response?

  4. Shit, I left my cigarettes in the bar!

    [Will anyone know this joke and laugh - or will this only be seen as a completely random non-sequitor?]

  5. Diane

    Oh, Mr. Angry, if only you worked in MY office! But then I might be fired because I’d spend all my time laughing! :)

  6. Shaitaan

    You have become my hero for the day.
    Anything that temporarily stops one of the glassy-eyed masses from chewing their cud for a short time and makes them realise their illusionary bubble of ‘reality’ is not so ‘safe’ is a good thing.
    Well done.

  7. Jill the Brit

    Aw! The fact that you have to put a little disclaimer at the end is what REALLY annoys me about the “unimaginative lumps” we have to deal with every day.

    Why don’t they all just stop breathing!!!

    …(no disclaimer)…

  8. Alan: some people are WAY too easy to offend

    Vett: I think some people like living in a perpetual state of fear.

    Wisdumb: I know it’s a quote but I can’t quite place it

    Diane: It’s an occupational hazard :)

    Shaitaan: I suspect she all-too-quickly found a way to slot me into her “reality”

    Jill: That’s why my version of a disclaimer includeas a “fuck you!” :D

  9. LOL…

    That’s just evil man…
    Messing with the sheeple like that…

    ROFL… Classic…

  10. My co-workers just looked at me askew as I laughed out loud (that belly laugh that just doesn’t stop, especially when you try to make it stop) reading this blog. Then I tried to explain why I was laughing. And before I had the chance to finish, they berated me with “oh herione is bad!”

    Thank you for making me laugh.

  11. Phyre: I am indeed evil

    Jessica: If you laughed I have fulfilled my goal :)

  12. benwarsop

    A double then, Mr Angry, because you made me laugh too. That’s the trouble with dead-panning to the brain-dead.

    Cheers.

  13. Glad to provide a laugh :)

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