One of the benefits of having built up a core of followers through this blog and YouTube is that people are always sending me suggestions for issues, topics and stories to cover. I welcome all of the suggestions but in many cases I never do anything with them. Sometimes it’s because I don’t think the idea suits me, sometimes it’s because I can’t think of anything good to do with it.
But sometimes, there is a story that simply must be done. One such story was recently provided to me via YouTube by Joshua – the recently held San Francisco Masturbat-a-thon. Which is actually an annual event.
The only problem is knowing where to start because there is so much material to work with. The masturbate-a-thon really is the gift that keeps on giving. The delightful thing is you can’t parody these people. It’s the perfect balance of a really crazy event and people being committed to an essentially positive message. If you try to slag them off, they really aren’t going to give a shit.
The good part is, when the subject matter is this funny, you don’t need parody. Just looking at exactly what was going on kept me in hysterics. It wasn’t enough for them to simply bring people together to masturbate – no, there were competitions. At the 2009 masturbate-a-thon you could compete in:
- Longest squirt distance (and this was a mixed gender event, even if men had an unfair advantage)
- Longest time spent masturbating (and as the website says, bend your gender expectations – the record holder is male)
- Most orgasms (a mixed gender event where women have the advantage) and
- Tag Team “Fun” (which quite frankly boggles my mind)
Put simply, these people are determined to earn back some respect for masturbation. Or something. Hey, I make YouTube videos so I’m all about public masturbation in the metaphorical sense. But it’s hard to argue with their core points:
- Masturbation is the safest sex
- More masturbation means more sexual self-awareness
- Masturbation with a partner can be educational and hot
I guess I should add that I know a lot of people would be freaked out by this. The world is full of uptight people who are squeamish about discussing sex and thanks to my Catholic upbringing I know masturbation is really taboo for a lot of people. So putting masturbation right in people’s faces like this (so to speak) is pretty confronting. Which I think is kind of their point. Maybe they are just really sick people. But I think they are a great blend of positive, outrageous and just plain funny.
What’s not to love about a web site that includes featured masturbators as well as a participation guide that encourages you to get your friends to sponsor your masturbation either by the hour or by the orgasm. I just want to say that if you’re having that conversation with your friends they are either really close friends or they hate you and really wish you’d stop calling.
Oh, and I know you want to know the competition results so here they are:
- Existing record holder, Mr Masanobu Sato of Japan broke his old mark of masturbating for 9 hours 33 minutes to set a new record of 9 hours 58 minutes. He might think he’s a winner but I say he’s soft for not holding out for to more minutes to make an even 10 hours.
- A new record for squirting distance was set by “Flint Greasewood” who shot a truly astounding 5 feet 4 inches. I understand they audience was required to wear protective eyewear.
- And a new Women’s World Tag Team time record was set by the owners and union members of the cooperative strip club the Lusty Lady Theatre. I have no idea what is involved in that record but I’m extremely disappointed that I didn’t see it.
And as an added bonus, the SF Weekly has a decidedly Not Safe For Work slideshow of highlights. Some of the slideshow captions crack me up too. For instance there’s the tip about rest breaks in Masturbation marathons – “It’s like a pit stop in the Indianapolis 500 – if you really want to win, keep your tyre changes to a minimum.” And then there’s the “friendliest wanker of the bunch” who handed the SF Weekly a business card. Which I can only assume they burned – or at least washed thoroughly.
And while, in all honesty, I’m supportive of the overall message of the event I really have to take issue with their site’s logo.
The logo in question
Now, I’m not surprised or offended that it features an erect penis. The wings are a little weird but I guess that’s a metaphor. Whatever. But WHAT THE FUCK is up with the rear end of it? Why the fuck does it seem to be some sort of flying penis/dog hybrid? And why the fuck does the dog have a huge gaping arsehole? Seriously!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE FUCKING THINKING?!?!?!?!
On second thoughts, scratch that question. I really don’t want to know what the person who designed that logo was thinking.