More ways to tell someone you don’t give a fuck about them

A few years ago I made this video where I came up with some creative ways to tell someone you don’t give a fuck about them:

It’s one of my more popular videos – apparently people are always looking for creative ways to get rid of annoying idiots. Lately I have had many requests for MORE! I’ve been building up to it for a while and I thought I’d try out some options here on the blog before I made it into another video. If you get in quick with comments (and I like them) your responses might end up being part of the video.

Without further ado, here are some more ways to tell someone you don’t give a fuck about them:

• A recently discovered tribe in the Amazon had had no contact with the outside word and had no idea anybody existed outside their valley. It turns out they give more of a fuck about you than I do.
• I’d like to introduce you to Bob, we hired him specifically to give a fuck about you because none of us do and we want you to leave us the fuck alone. But he committed suicide. So there’s still nobody who gives a fuck about you.
• I started the day with a dozen fucks. After a day of dealing with your bullshit I still has 12 fucks left. How many fucks did I give about you today?
• There are electron microscopes that can find molecules less than a nanometre wide – but they can’t find any fucks I give about you.
• Astronomers have mapped the universe out to two billion light years. They haven’t found any fucks I give about you.
• Some mayflies have a life span of only half an hour – that’s approximately 30 minutes longer than the lifespan of any fuck I’ve ever given about you.
• That was close – I almost gave a fuck about you. Turns out I just needed to fart.

I feel this list is still to be added to before I commit it to video. Please help!

Hitler is not funny

I learned something important this week. For a few years now I’ve enjoyed the spoof videos based on a climactic scene from the movie “Downfall”. In the original scene, the character (called Hitler) comes to the realisation that he’s lost the war and breaks down, screaming abuse at his generals. It’s become popular to put fake subtitles under the scene suggesting that Hitler is angry about all manner of things.

Here’s one a friend of mine did recently where Hitler finds out about Apple Maps in iOS6:

The production company behind the film has tried to have the parody videos taken down from YouTube before on copyright grounds and I’ve never agree with that for a number of reasons. First, parody is fair use or fair dealing under almost any copyright regime in the world so the parody videos are legal. Second, I firmly believe the parodies have exposed the film to a much wider audience and so have actually been of significant commercial benefit to the film makers.

But I’ve discovered a reason these parodies maybe should be taken down and it has nothing to do with copyright. I thought “Downfall” was just another historical drama but it turns out Hitler was actually a real person. I know you might be shocked to read that but I checked on Wikipedia so I know it’s true.

This isn’t a case of me not wanting people to be disrespectful to a real person (anyone who’s seen my videos will know how important that is to me). I discovered that Hitler actually did some really bad things. Things that still upset a lot of people. So if you make jokes about Hitler it’s exactly as if you don’t take anything he did seriously. And you’re offending the memory of every single person who died because of Hitler’s actions.

The golden rule of comedy is “never make a joke that could possibly offend anyone. EVER.” That’s why there aren’t many good comedians in the world. Too many of them don’t take the time to make their jokes nice. Until we live in a world where nobody ever offends anyone, we are doomed to wars and suffering.

And those comedians who make jokes that offend people? They’re worse than Hitler.

Sexy costume dress up time

I’ve been making a few topical videos lately with Eva (who has her own blog here) in the sex shop where she works. As the shop stocks quite a lot of costumes we decided to show a few of them off. We brought in our friend Viola (check out her site here) to do a bit of a dress up fashion parade.

Enjoy the results in the video below and if you like that I’m sure both Eva and Viola will be posting more of the photos on their own sites.

STFU Cards

I’ve gone a bit mad recently making things on various websites that allow you to create custom products. I’ve done this previously with a lot of t-shirts (why not go here and buy one?) but this splurge has been more “branding” merch which I intend to give away.

The first cards arrived today and I got a tad excited.

When I posted about the new cards on Facebook, the suggestion of doing paste-ups was raised and I said I’d provide some images for anyone who wanted to do that. Without further ado, here’s a download link for the image on the card.

Also, I played with it on the site www.blockposters.com which turns images into pdf files that print over a number of A4 pages. Click here to get a version that runs over 4 pages. Click here to get a version that runs over 8 pages.

Or download the original link and play around on Blockposters to make it whatever size you want!

Magical peeing leaf man

Melbourne is home to a lot of art. But none so magnificent as the magical peeing leaf man. It was a very ephemeral piece of art, probably only existing for a few hours. So I share it with you here in the hope it will speak to the ages.

And yes, you can get a version of the t-shirt I’m wearing by clicking here. You’d even be supporting me by getting one. People always ask me about this shirt so I thought I’d post a direct link.

My message to YouTube commenters

I feel very lucky at the level of support I’ve gotten over the years on YouTube. Maybe lucky isn’t the right word as I’ve worked hard to produce quality videos rather than relying on luck but I honestly couldn’t have imagined how much support I’d get before I started. The single most common reply I’ve given to comments over the years is “Thank you for your support” or some variation of this.

The second most common response I’ve wanted to give is “How can you not see what a cunt you’re being?” 

There seriously is a decent chunk of the online population who make comments while seemingly being completely oblivious to the fact they are being utter fuckwits. I’m not even talking about haters – they know what they’re doing. They launch their mindless attack with the express goal of provoking a negative reaction:

“DURRR HURRR, I iz dur troll wot keeps fings real! I make the person who does things sad to try and hide the pain of being nothing but a broken little child. DURRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

I mean people who think they are saying something productive. They actually believe their drivel has value. They expect gratitude. There simply do not understand what clueless, self-indugent, entitled, tiny-minded utter shit stains they are being.

With me, the comment usually manifests something along the lines of “You are doing a different thing. I only want you to do one thing. Only one thing is funny. Stop doing the thing that is different to the thing that I want you to do.”

I gave up gently pointing out “LOOK AT THE OTHER FUCKING COMMENTS YOU STUPID FUCKING MORON! OTHER PEOPLE LIKE WHAT I’M DOING! THEY’D BE UNHAPPY IF I DID THE OPPOSITE!!! I CAN’T POSSIBLY ACCOMMODATE EVERYONE’S WHIMS YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!”

I gave up because it didn’t work. Maybe I was too subtle.

There’s also the little fact that *I* have to enjoy what I do or I’ll simply stop doing it. 

So seriously, dumb fuck YouTube commenters: stop this shit. Or I swear I’ll hit you in the face with a fucking hammer.

 

Time to do things

Things that I can do:
Come up with funny ideas.
Rant angrily on almost any topic.
Skewer hypocrisy.
Reveal truths.

What I can do with these skills:
Write blog posts.
Invent t-shirts.
Make videos.
Perform live.
Write songs.
Make comics/graphics.

Why am I not doing this things more?
Laziness.
Lack of motivation.
Distractions.
Lack of time.
Lack of faith in myself.

Things I can do to fix this:
Write to-do lists.
Set timetables.
Just fucking do it!