Monthly Archives: April 2006

Sick Internet Goatse Sex Perverts

Well readers, last night while I was obsessing over my blog I spend some time going through my archives. One of the posts from the early days that I decided deserved more coverage involved the following image. This is either instantly funny to you or you will never find it funny. For those who don't know what goatse is, follow this link and Wikipedia will help you out. For those who know, how's this for a twist:

 goatse from the inside

Some sick bastard has gone and taken a picture from the inside looking out! I found this is the local weekly paper, hidden amongst the real estate ads. Oh sure, they had some cover story about how they were trying to highlight the overuse of plastic bags but I know a goatse image when I see one. And that sick bastard looking in seems to be enjoying himself waaaaaaay too much.

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No More Green Crap

It's all well and good to address politics like I did yesterday but I don't want to forget about the important things. I started this blog to rant about all the little things that make me angry and I have another one to tell you about today.

We all have dreams of what we are going to do when we win the lottery. They often involve big houses, fast cars and island paradises. For me, there is a simple plan. I'm going to open a restaurant. This restaurant will right an injustice that has been allowed to carry on for far too long. This restaurant will be called: "No More Green Crap".

This may require some explanation. I am not one of those men who think salads should only be seen on "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy". "No More Green Crap" will serve both salad and vegetables. But when you get your food, THERE WILL NOT BE A HANDFUL OF GREEN CRAP SPRINKLED OVER IT! This has been a bugbear of mine for years (seriously, people are embarrassed to go out to dinner with me). It recently jumped into the forefront of my thinking when the site I Hate Cilantro was brought to my attention. It's good to see people fighting the good fight all around the world.

I actually had to look cilantro up to be sure of what it was. In Australia we call it coriander. I'm not sure if the fact this site focuses solely on cilantro means that's the only topping you're subjected to in the states – if that's the case, you're lucky. In Oz, we are subjected to an endless variation of gratuitous green crap on top of otherwise perfectly good food. It might be parsley, shallots, spring onions, oregano.. sometimes I'm sure it's fucking grass clippings.

occasionally, when I have resorted to physical violence in a restaurant, people have suggested I should calm down and maybe pick the green crap off my food. Wee that's bullshit. It isn't as if the menu mentions they're going to sprinkle green crap on my food. That's false advertising. And as for those sad and twisted individuals who think this actually makes food better, they should have to ask for it as an extra. I shouldn't have to remember to say "If my food comes out with green crap on it, I'm going to stab you in the fucking eye with this fork."

I haven't said it for a while, but this is a serious question to the restauranteurs of the world:

What the hell is wrong with you people?

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“I Hear the Voices…”

So here goes, plunging back into politics. Let me start by saying this: there are plenty of things in politics that make me damn angry but I haven't been all politics all of the time for a few reasons. First, I'm trying to have fun and focusing solely on politics might get to be heavy going after a while. Second, there are other people who do it way better than I can, I've linked to some of them before and I will do so again in the future. Third, in my quest to have fun, I don't want to belittle things that are actually important so I've been a little hesitant to focus too squarely on some touchy issues.

That said, some of the stupidity going on is so absurd I can't help but dive in with an angry tirade. For those who haven't been following the musings of the leader of the free world, the title of this post is a direct quote from the man himself, G W Bush. It's part of what he said when being asked if he considered sacking Donald Rumsfeld after some retired generals (people who might actually know something about command competence) said Rummy was a useless pigfucker who should be taken out and shot. Geedubya said that despite hearing the media and the voices he was "the decider" (which sounds like an excellent name for an underwear pervert). What stuck with me was his reference to hearing voices. It explains everything.

He's completely fucking insane.

Georgie boy has gone all 6th Sense on us and he's hearing voices. I imagine this will be his defense in later life: "the voices told me to do it." Yes, the voices told him to invade Iraq even though the people who actually had a clue what they were talking about warned him what a stupid idea it was. The voices tell him life is better in Iraq now despite the deaths of tens of thousands and the ongoing horror of daily life there. The voices told him to award award no-bid multi-billion dollar contracts in Iraq to Halliburton who then sent soldier out without adequate armour or resources (although that was pretty obviously Cheney's voice).

And now it seems the voices are telling him that military action, up to and including nukes, against Iran is a good idea. This is despite the fact that it's morally reprehensible, strategically suicidal and straight-up insane. Some explanation:

Morally reprehensible: This requires no explanation. If you think the act of nuking Iran is not morally reprehensible, well, to borrow a phrase I read recently on another blog: fuck you in the neck with a butter knife.

Strategically suicidal: The leader of Iran, President Ahmadinejad, is not Saddam. He may not be the greatest guy in the world, but within Iran he's fairly popular and kinda-sorta democratically elected. So you can't fool anyone into thinking you will be popularly welcomed if you "topple" him. Also, Iran has A BIG FUCKING ARMY! The US and allies are already overstretched. It simply isn't feasible to open up war on another front. And nobody in Iran is going to sit quietly if you start bombing them. Step 1 would be a real bloodbath in Iraq as the Iranian army sweeps in. Step 2 would be "goodbye Israel" – as in, no longer existing on the map.

Insane: You would get zero international support for this. Okay, maybe the world's most pathetic lapdog, John Winston Howard, would sign on but I can't imagine Blair getting involved. From erstwhile allies you would get overwhelming condemnation, I would expect protests/rallies/riots all across Europe. And the wave of violence that would be unleashed across the middle east is too horrible to contemplate. And I'm more than a touch worried how Australia's neighbours to the north would react as well. An inevitable corollary effect would be the complete collapse of the US and probably the world economy.

So, politically, why would he say these things? Possibility one: it's a bluff. Caint afford to look weak tuh those mooozleeems. Guess what shit-for-brains? Anyone sensible thinks it's a bluff. Bluffs don't work if everyone knows it's a bluff. Dubya must be a shit poker player. Possibility two: he's completely fucking insane and he really means it. In which case…

Would some intern please give him a blowjob so he can be impeached?

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Should I be Worried?

The milestones keep coming – more than 40 posts without missing a day, sometimes two posts a day (like today).

I'm looking for advice right now dear readers. A bit of background – they have me playing musical chairs at work at the moment. I've been at three different desks in the last three weeks and I'm moving again on Monday. I'm not particularly angry about this – I'm a little miffed but it's unfortunately necessary and I can deal. I'm no prima donna.

I'm getting a little creeped out by the desk I'm at now and want to know if I should be worried. The usual resident of this desk is on leave and comes back on Monday (that's why I'm moving). He's posted a series of "motivational" quotes on his monitor (the one I'm forced to stare at all day at the moment) and quite honestly, some of them belong in the "not quite right" basket.

They start off innocently enough: "Infinite combinations – infinite possibilities", "A good salesman does not fill a need, he creates one", "be, do , have" and even a nice Shakespeare quote: "There are more things in heaven and earth… than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Then things start to go a bit… off.

We get the following: "The best lie is always founded in truth", "Often the most beautiful things are the most dangerous", "A full cup is useless" (WTF?) "Chaos is an acquired taste" and my personal favourite: "Evil is a journey, not a destination."

Oh, and he also has a list of movies he wants to see which includes "Deer Hunter" and "Hitler". He's back on Monday.

So I'm asking for advice: should I be worried?

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Toilet Rules Revisited

I'm still planning to rant about US neocons as per the suggestion of one of my readers, Jason, but there's so damn much to be angry about there I need some more time to focus and arrange my thoughts into a coherent enraged rant.

Besides, something has happened that is so outrageous I had to address it first. A look through the archives will show that I am particularly concerned with toilet etiquette, notably how it applies in the workplace. I am continually surprised when I discover women who don't know that men's communal toilets include a standard fixture known as a urinal. There are some variations in design but basically, the idea is that men stand side by side to take a piss. Letting it all hang out, so to speak.

I find this a slightly weird situation and I particularly don't like it at work. Sharing a little bit too much personal information in the workplace if you know what I mean. Normally I try not to think about it. Or avoid it altogether by using the toilet cubicles and closing the door to take a leak rather than getting into the group wee situation at the urinal. I actually had someone question why I do this rather than stand at the urinal "with the other blokes", to which my response was "why the hell are you so keen for me to get my penis out next to you?"

Some men's aversion to whipping the old chap out in company veers into homophobia. This has led to several uptight straight acquaintances swearing blind that gay bar toilets involve glass walls so that everyone can check each other out. All the best bars in Sydney are gay bars and I did spend quite a few nights going out to them in my youth and from my experience I can attest that these stories are completely apocryphal. And stupid too. The fact that I don't like shared toilet facilities has nothing to do with homophobia – call me crazy but I regard the whole toilet experience as a private thing.

Everyone knows the "no talking" rule (sometimes the only thing that makes it bearable is pretending there isn't really someone standing next to you who also has his penis out) but there's always someone who transgresses the rule. And today I was subject to the most egregious transgression I can remember. I'm using a lot of top shelf word today aren't I?

Anyway, I have previously mentioned my addiction to a certain bubbly beverage. I drink a lot of it and I try to balance it by drinking a similar volume of water. This results in me consuming a significant amount of liquids each day. Which results in many trips to the loo. So I go this morning and I'm standing there relieving myself. I was alone but then a cow-orker enters and stands next to me. And then he has the poor taste to say (as I'm letting fly with a fair volume and force):

"That sounds like a full bladder."

What?!? How many fucking personal boundaries do you want to violate at one time? How do people with so little clue as to societal rules even survive? And what was he expecting – an extended dialogue on bladder capacity? I was expecting him to whip out a ruler next and say "while we're here, let's compare how we measure up." Fortunately, that didn't happen.

Yet.

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Helpful Driving Tips

I've just come back from a drive and I'm full of love and kindness for my fellow motorists. No, not love, that isn't the right word. What's the word for when you hate them and want them to die? I'm sure it'll come to me.

Most of my rants against other drivers have been because they were either selfish or overly aggressive or both. Today I want to rant about that other breed: the people who seem to be so scared of driving that everything they do is tentative. It's as if they think if they do everything really slowly and don't commit to any one course of action, they'll be fine when, in fact, they make it that much more likely they'll be involved in an accident. So in the spirit of helping, here are some tips:

TIP 1: It's called an indicator, use it! If you're turning a corner, changing lanes, pulling over or stopping to park, use your damn indicator. Oh, and it's called an INDICATOR, you use it to INDICATE what you are going to do. It isn't called a "what I did" or a "told you so", it's a fucking indicator! Use it to let other people know what you are going to do! It's a bit fucking late to switch it on after the fact.

A little aside here, I know I said I wasn't focusing on aggressive types today but if one more bastard accelerates to cut me off when I indicate I'm changing lanes into an open space I'll run you off the road and drag you out of your car, then we'll have a wee conversation about politeness. And when I've finished explaining to you the basic tenets of human decency, I promise I'll take my boot of your throat so you can offer a heartfelt apology.

TIP 2: Read the traffic. Good traffic flows like water. It has patterns and you can read them. Don't wait until the last second to react to what's happening around you. Example: there are two lanes of traffic in each direction and someone in the right lane indicates they're going to turn right (for American readers[and I don't know who else], substitute left for right). For the love of the baby Jeebus, don't wait until the last second to react! Cane toad level intellect would inform you that you're going to have to change lanes to get around the turning car so do it sooner rather than later. Don't come to a dead stop right behind the turning car then turn your car into the free lane. You end up blocking both lanes then we're at another boot on the throat type of conversation.

TIP 3: If you're scared by traffic, don't bloodywell drive! Stay at home on the couch and knit or something. You know what? Traffic can be scary. But traffic isn't going to change, you need to change. Suck it up! Learn to deal! I grew up in a very quiet country town, when I moved to Sydney the traffic terrified me. So I did the only sensible thing – I didn't drive. It took a few years until I had enough of a handle on things to cope with driving. And let me tell you, those Sydney drivers are nuts and they would have taken great delight in mowing a poor country boy down.

TIP 4: This one's important: if you make a choice while driving, commit to it. Don't go back and forth, will-I-won't-I, yes-no. When you waver, nobody know what the fuck you're planning to do and that way lies madness. Not to mention twisted metal.

So in short, it's a little like the dilemma Spiderman faced – with great power comes great responsibility. When you drive a car, engaging the gears is only part of the equation.

Don't forget to engage your brain as well.

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My Body is Angry at Me

I have no idea what I've done to piss my body off so much, but it is in the throes of a full-scale insurrection against me. I'm takings so many damn pills at the moment. Anti-biotics for an ear infection, cold and flu tablets for the obvious and a whole handful of vitamins and supplements because my eating habits are so shit I'm afraid I'll die without them.

And I'm not even sure the vitamins do me any good (not surprising to anybody who's read my posts ripping on hippies). The science on vitamins and similar supplements is sketchy at best. But I can afford them so they are more insurance, I guess. I take them on the off chance they work. I am not always an overly rational person – I also occasionally buy a lotto ticket. I call this paying my stupid tax.

At least tomorrow is a public holiday in Australia so I can rest a little while the cold takes hold. April 25th is ANZAC day – for those who don't know that's an acronym for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. The combined antipodean fighting force that went off to be slaughtered wherever the English sent them, most notably to Gallipoli. This day is tied most closely to the Gallipoli disaster in Australian minds although it is more broadly a second Remembrance day, commemorating all service by Australian soldiers and other service people.

I don't have it in me to attend a dawn service tomorrow, maybe I'll mark the day by watching the new movie, Kokoda. I'll have to go alone, my girlfriend share my love of science fiction but does not share my liking of war films. Speaking of science fiction (and tying in with my earlier angry rant) I watched the last two episodes of the Battlestar Galactica Season 2.0 DVD with my lovely girlfriend last night.

How does this tie in with my abuse of copyright post you ask? Let me fill you in, dear reader. You see, not only has this series of BSG not aired on Australian TV yet, there is not even a hint of it being screened. And yet you can get it on DVD in the US. So I thought, screw this, and ordered it from Amazon. And there's another twist, even with the crap exchange rates between the $A and $US plus the freight, the DVD set was cheaper than it will be if and when it gets to Australia. Now I've watched it and it was awesome.

And I broke the law.

Yes, I bought a commercial product in an above the boards transaction but I broke the law. Because of the insane copyright regime that exists the studios say they can dictate when I get to watch something, despite paying for the privilege. And they wonder why people download pirated products online. These knuckle-dragging fucktards have this amazing business opportunity waved in their face and their response is to sue people who were potentially their biggest customers.

Because they're scared. They don't understand this new medium and it scares them. They should be scared. Not because the net will starve all the artists who create original work (the lying fucking bullshit they spread around so often) but because, almost inevitably, the days of the big movie studios and big record companies are numbered. Instead of giving customers what they really want, they focus their energy on buying politicians to enact corrupt laws to protect their inefficient practices.

And it will catch up with them. And I will join in on the big party that involves dancing on their graves.

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