Let the punishment fit the crime, I say. In line with this, I will now identify a dangerous and clandestine group who are threatening to undermine the very fabric of society. The only punishment fit for these people is public hanging. Their crime?
Hanging toilet paper the wrong way around.
You may have thought this was simply a matter of choice. That there was no big difference between the toilet roll with the paper hanging over the front (the right way) or dangling from behind (the evil, sick, twisted, wrong way). You couldn’t be more wrong. This is one of those fundamental issues that can shake the very foundations of society. This isn’t a situation where allowing a different point of view is a good thing; this is a case of right and wrong.
Sometimes different is good. I would go so far as to say most of the time difference is good. It’s one of those things that makes life more interesting – all the little differences between people. For instance, saying you are only going to wear red for a year and/or showing up to an awards ceremony with what appears to be a white swan wrapped around you is good. Quirky, arty, interesting. Hanging toilet paper the wrong way is not “different”. It’s wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong!
The important part of this issue is that it isn’t a casual occurrence. I have identified the actions of a clandestine group going around hanging toilet paper the wrong way. And they try to poison the minds of others. Sometimes they’ll say “it doesn’t matter which way you hang the paper,” other times they’ll go so far as to dangle the paper from behind and say “this is the right way.” And the poor innocents duped by them have no idea how they’re being manipulated.
I recently suffered an invasion of the influence of these miscreants in my own home! Periodically, I would discover that toilet paper was hanging the wrong way at my house even though (it should go without saying) I always make sure to hang it correctly. At first I thought they were sneaking into my home when I was asleep or at work to mess with my head. But then I saw the pattern. These paper reversals coincided with visits from my girlfriend.
Surely she couldn’t be one of them? A deep cover agent sent in to undermine my life from within? When I pointed out to her what had happened with the toilet paper she had no idea she’d even been doing it. How sick is that? They’d infected her with some sort of post-hypnotic suggestion so she didn’t even realise she was doing their bidding.
It’s interesting to note that vampires have this power of mind control. I’m not saying that everyone who hangs the toilet paper the wrong way is a vampire; all I’m doing is putting the idea out there for your consideration.
Thankfully, the situation is now remedied. My girlfriend has been successfully de-programmed and my household toilet paper is secure. So now the bastards are coming at me from another angle.
My workplace, like many, uses bulk toilet paper dispensers. But this dispenser comes straight from the mind of Satan himself! It is constructed in an evil fashion that means if the toilet paper is hung the correct way the dispenser won’t work. These sick bastards have won a government contract that lets them fit out workplace toilets in a way that advances their sinister and depraved goals.
Are there no depths they won’t sink to?