The title of this post is paraphrasing a line uttered by Sean Connery in the James Bond film “Diamonds are Forever”. It’s all tied up with the gay assassins who were trying to kill him favouring an apparently tacky cologne. I bring it up now because I’ve been assaulted by the automatic deodoriser in the toilets at my workplace.
Like many workplaces, the toilets here feature a stink-reduction machine that sends out a spray of deodoriser at regular intervals. This is fine in principle (who wants to be subjected to the smell of stale shit?) but several aspects of the implementation are less than perfect. The most common thing I have noticed in these machines is how bad the perfume used smells. While it’s arguably better than human waste, it’s still pretty awful. Not that I’ve spent a lot of time in cheap brothels but this to me is the archetypal cheap brothel smell. I only go to expensive high-class brothels.
The second problem with this deodoriser is its location. It’s right above the sinks where you wash you hands (regular readers will know how important I think it is to wash your hands) and it’s far too close to where you stand. So much so that it sprays the perfume directly on you if you are standing there when it has one of its regular stench eruptions. I made this even worse by timing my turn away from the sink so that I was facing directly into it when it sprayed.
So I staggered away from the sink, hardly able to breathe because I’d inhaled the spray and almost blind because it hit me in the eyes. I stumbled out the door rubbing my eyes and swearing, almost bumping into a cow-orker which resulted in the following conversation:
Cow-orker: What’s the matter with you?
Me: I got spray on me
Cow-orker: You should be more careful, at least you’re wearing dark trousers.
Me: No, not my pants, it got in my eyes.
Cow-orker: What the hell were you doing in there?
Me: No, I was at the sink and did it.
Suffice to say, the conversation degenerated at this point. For some reason, it’s impossible to rescue the situation once you mention getting spray on you in the toilets.
11 responses to “Smelling like a tart’s hankie”
If you can’t rescue it make it worse….. there was a tart in there and she assaulted me. Can’t you SMELL??!?
He didn’t even offer to give you a hand? Some co-worker. lol
He actually thought that you had been *. Lol. That was funny.
hahaha…i needed that laugh first thing in the morning! thanks 🙂
Sounds like someone who is used to this happening on a regular basis:)
Sandra: I *wish* I was thinking that quickly
dragonlady: Why do I get the impression that you are a troublemaker at work? 😉
logish: it was embarrassing to say the least
Maliha: it is my job to bring a smile to as many faces as possible
Michelle: me or the other guy? I’ll never know because I avoid him now.
I resemble that statement! lol
oh my god that is the funniest shit ever !
well… funniest mistaken ablution ever 🙂
you totally need to get bathroom goggles 🙂
try explain those to your coworkers
dragonlady: I’m onto you!
zenstar: hmmm, goggles, that’s a good look. I can just picture the reaction as I put them on and announce “step aside people, I’m going in”
It must feels like you got pepper sprayed! I hate too strong smells like that.
Yeah, smells bad and STINGS like a muddafukka