Here’s a confession: sometimes, I’m mean to people. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true. In my defence, when I’m mean to somebody it’s almost always for their own good. They don’t always appreciate that I’m helping them but that’s the sort of burden I took on when I realised I was much smarter than the majority of the populace. I have to help people whether they want it or not.
The alternative, so far as I can see, is to let people get away with stupid behaviour. To me, letting them get away with stupidity is the same as actively rewarding stupid behaviour. If they aren’t punished, they won’t realise they were wrong and they’ll never learn better. As I look around me, I don’t have any great faith that the knuckle draggers surrounding me are going to spontaneously get smarter. They need help.
They need my help.
One situation where I often find myself helpfully pointing out other people’s stupidity is when I’m driving. Often, when somebody does something brain-bendingly stupid in traffic, I’ll gently alert them to the fact by blasting the horn for an extended period and politely describe their shortcomings. Something along the lines of: “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Usually screamed at the top of my lungs.
Occasionally, passengers in my car have suggested that this doesn’t achieve anything. The moron did something stupid, I reacted in time, accident avoided, leave it at that. That’s crazy talk. My mother for one always wants me to be nicer to people and I told her that was a crazy idea: “Shut the fuck up mum, these morons need to be kept in line. If you let these dickheads get away with their fucked-up behaviour they think they’re in the right. You can’t encourage them.”
Okay, I don’t really talk to my mum like that. First, I’m too respectful. Second, she’d fucking kill me. Don’t fuck with my mum. My mum will fuck your shit up.
Just the other night I conducted a little street education that I found particularly fulfilling. Melbourne loves its sport and I had the bad timing to be driving past a major sporting venue just as the massive crowds were spilling out at the end of a game. I knew exactly what would happen as I waited at the lights for the hordes of pedestrians to cross. The lights would change and these fuckwit lemmings would keep streaming across regardless of the fact they were going to come off second best in a clash with oncoming traffic.
Sure enough, morons kept shambling across the road long after the signal told them to stop. Then the lights turned green for me. I let the few straggling dickheads get out of the way then started to move forward. BUT the morons weren’t finished. After I started forward, another group of four fuckwits stepped right in front of me. Obviously, I braked (I’m not going to jail for them) but they actually seemed totally unaware of how fucking stupid their behaviour was. Honestly, I feared for their safety. Other drivers aren’t as deferential to pedestrians as I am and this level of stupidity was definitely going to get them killed.
So I decided to help them.
My lesson to them consisted of revving my engine sharply, dropping the clutch which made the car jump forward, then stopping just as quickly after half a metre. The added bonus is my car’s tyres have a tendency to squeal dramatically when I do this. This actually had a better effect than I intended. I thought they would jump a bit and get out of the way. As it turned out, they totally freaked – one of them even fell over in terror (don’t worry, they weren’t hurt). They really thought I was going to run them down. They may just think twice before walking into traffic in the future.
It was pointed out to me that this was a little mean. Well, yeah but I think it was justified. Not because I was teaching them a lesson for their own good – but because it was really fucking funny.
20 responses to “Rewarding Stupid Behaviour”
HA HA HA HA HA HA FUCKING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH.
Wait till I get my breath back……
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH A….aneurism…
Dude, I wanted people to laugh but I don’t want blood leaking out your eyeballs 😉
I used to love driving past the MCG after a footy game. I know exactly what you are talking about. I just don’t know if I would have found the brake in time…..
What you need is some sort of cattle scoop thing, like the old time country trains had, attached to the front of your car, then you could just make your way through the crowd at a steady pace.
You are awesome, Mr Angry. I think my next car might just have to be a manual transmission; this doesn’t work so well with an automatic. 🙂
Scientific studies have conclusively shown that education mixed with humor can be very beneficial to both learners and educators. The studies aren’t exactly clear about optimal proportionality of laughing and learning between teachers and students… So, if you laughed and they learned, then it sounds like a job well done!
gruntski: they’re just lucky I was actually stopped – I didn’t scare them until my light turned green. If I had been approaching a green light with idiots streaming across, i don’t know what I would have done.
Anthony: that’s an awesome idea
Mike: funniest thing I ever saw was a guy on a car show (Top Gear) trying to do a burnout on a car with hi-tech anti-skid technology. He got really frustrated.
kykops: excellent analogy – I’ll use that on my girlfriend when she says I’m too mean.
to paraphrase Bill Hicks..
Wipers on, foot down.
I’m all in favour of a change in the law to make lemmings fair game… I’m just wondering how many times you’d have to hit some of them before they worked out that the car will win…
you made my guts hurt laughing on this one! (Laughing My Guts Out Loud!) haha
Man, yer real GOOD! 😀
What is, mean is when drivers are in the middle of an intersection and the light to walk is green for all us pedestrians to walk, and the driver turns right into us without even being aware that they are turning into people. I’ve screamed many a time at intersections here in Vancouver LOL simply because they weren’t paying attention while their backseat drivers begin yeling at them because I am two inches from there car turning into furious stone with a mouth screaming at them.
Pedestrians VS Cars – I’d say we can’t hurt the car so much, as much as making people angry simply ’cause we are there. Our only time to consume the roads is when there is such a major event going on.
Mr Pete: I’m thinking once would be sufficient 🙂
Mayang: Glad you liked it but don’t hurt yourself too badly.
Jessica: yeah, I should take the pedestrian side against idiot drivers… I have a few good examples of that too. Stay tuned!
Mr Angry…. I think I’m in love!!! Your ramblings allow me to start my work day with a smile on my face. I live in the traffic hell known as Vancouver (shared by co-reader Jessica I see). You must come experience it one day if you haven’t had the pleasure yet!
I’ve noticed people in the northern hemisphere get to see my stuff first thing in the morning. It makes me happy that I bring a smile to the start of people’s days 🙂 Then I have to forget about that and get angry all over again!
Now Mr Angry – you know I only condone good behaviour – so well done my Dear.
to aid you in any angering … let me point out that, technically, people in the East see your material first … 🙂 You make me laugh Mr Angry – so fair trade.
Cheers and good night
Nazli: I’m glad you understand I only do these things to help 🙂 And I always screw up by referring to the northern hemisphere… obviously there are parts of the northern hemisphere in exactly the same time zone as me!
Mr Angry, an observation. For an angry man, you use WAY too many smileys.
Just an observation, or is the Mr Angry thing like………..A PLOY?????A FACADE….A CHARACTER?????
I need a beer.
Oh, and Mike, put the handbrake on first (Hard!!!), whilst flooring the accelerator. Feather the brake for a bit. Should work wonders for you…..
Mike.. sorry.. that is if you are in a front wheel drive car. If you are in a rear wheel drive car, just push the brake and accelerator as hard as you can (just leave a bit of room, just in case).
Oh, this is HILARIOUS! You are an awesome writer, Mr. Angry!
Gruntski: it seems you have discovered my secret… nice advice for Mike too.
Suroor: glad you liked it, I find this an excellent avenue for honing my writing.