A few things I have noticed recently at work:
1. People talk shit. I’m not just talking about the standard “how about this weather?” shit – a disturbingly high proportion of people seem to have a pathological need to say insanely fucking stupid things. I’ve complained before about people making a big scene when I drink more than one can of cola but make no mention of the person who has four coffees before lunchtime. In the last week, I’ve been subjected to at least half a dozen people who feel compelled to pass comment on the fact that I’m making a sandwich in the kitchen to put in the sandwich toaster. It’s always a variation of “Wow, you’re organised.” What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, some bread cheese and ham – I’m a regular fucking rocket scientist. Piss of before I stab you.
2. Some metaphors are never appropriate. This is a shortcoming of mine. I like to use colourful language to illustrate points, it makes the day less boring. So today, someone offers me a donut for morning tea. I asked if it was a Krispy Kreme donut and they said no, it’s a normal boring cinnamon donut. So I said no thanks, “I’d have it if it was Krispy Kreme, I’d kill a small child for a Krispy Kreme donut.” Talk about conversation killers. Apparently, it’s never appropriate at work to mention things that would compel you to kill a small child.
**Disclaimer: I did mention yesterday that I was considering endorsements. I don’t have an endorsement deal from Krispy Kreme, I just really like their donuts. I think it’s safe to say Krispy Kreme wouldn’t want their product associated with infanticide perpetrated by a foul mouthed angry blogger.
3. Motivational tools almost never work. So the latest “motivational” gumph at work is a mirror over the kitchenette sink with the slogan “Who is responsible for reaching this quarter’s targets?” The implication being, I look in the mirror and see my face above this slogan so that means I’m personally responsible for the whole company meeting its targets.
That’s so fucking unfair.
What they hell are all those other lazy bastards doing? Why is it all down to me?
I get caught by this mirror every time I go to the sink and I drink a lot of water so I’m at the sink a lot. I get transfixed and stare into the mirror. People think it’s because I’m vain but really I’m paralysed by the awful weight of responsibility that’s been placed on me.
4. Nobody likes to be told they’re stupid. And the more stupid someone is, the less receptive they are to being told about it. I don’t believe this requires any further elaboration.