Public Dickheads

I’ve been touristy things today, taking the kids from rides on olde tyme steam trains.  So besides having toxic levels of soot in my system, I’m pissed off from having to deal with dickheads in public.  I don’t know if you’ve had the experience but for me, whenever I’m at a tourist attraction there’ll be some wanker who shoves their way past you to take the advantageous spot you’ve scored for yourself.

They don’t do anything extremely physically violent, you know, nothing you can have them arrested for but they’re really fucking obnoxious.  Basically, they do something beyond the normal bounds of decency and your only choices are to let the fuckers get away with it or call them on it which inevitably leads to an ugly confrontation.  These pricks don’t have the decency to be openly and honestly aggressive with their fuckwittery – they do their passive-aggressive shit and act like they’re doing nothing.

That’s what pisses me off the most – the type who acts like a really obnoxious prick but does it in a way that they think gives them “plausible deniability”.  When you call them on it, they act like it’s you who has a problem.  They go through life playing on the fact that the vast majority of human don’t want unnecessary trauma in their lives.  When some obnoxious fucker gives you static you’re more likely let them get away with it than invite even more shit upon yourself.  These bastards are in desperate need of a smackdown.

The funny thing is when two of them clash and inflict their stupid shit on each other.  This happened to me one time in the line at the supermarket.  The two fuckwads in question seemed really different; one was early twenties and the other was late fifties or early sixties.  But what they had in common was their identical fucked up personalities.  Basically they both realised they were going for the same spot in the same line from different directions and so they actually ran.  They raced each other for the spot in line.

They still ended up reaching the line at pretty much the same time.  So with no clear winner they both made it clear they were utter losers.  There was pushing and shoving (nothing aggressive enough to actually be called a fight) and some boisterous words.  Then one of them actually started trying to drag others in the line into their stupid shit, saying: “He’s an idiot isn’t her?”  At this point, I lost it and said in a rather direct and forceful tone (some wussies might have called it shouting):

“WHAT?  You want us to take sides?  You expect US to decide which of you is the bigger dickhead?  Because if that’s what you’re after, I can’t do it.  I’ve been watching the two of you in action and I can’t separate you.  Congratulations, you’re co-winners of the dickhead of the year award.  Now take this shit the fuck away from decent people you cretinous sacks of shit.”

Or at least that’s what I was thinking as I paid for my 40 litres of high-caffeine cola.



Filed under General Angriness

16 responses to “Public Dickheads

  1. Nothing to add to that, except that you should have said it, but I know what it’s like. Who wants to draw attention to themselves like that in public places… except for the dickheads that is.

  2. md

    That was hilarious.

  3. Dickheads are always a problem!

  4. Michelle: I was real close to saying it but the situation was already on the edge of violence.

    md: glad you liked it!

    range: and they’re everywhere!

  5. Austin

    your rants kill me… the train of thought just goes from sick to sicker to down right hilarious. Talk about taking something and running with it. Oh my gosh you kill me, too funny.


  6. You’ve got me pegged 🙂 Start at sick and get sicker!

  7. Dickheads are dickhead magnets, so there is some justice in the world. I had to leave a third of the way through The Return of the King because two of them got into a fight in the front row and the police were called to the scene. They both owe me a movie pass as far as I’m concerned.

  8. Oh yeah, the cinema dickheads – they’re a special breed.

  9. During my party party and more party days, we always knew when one of us was not like the other. We were happy, hugging and dancing then, and in comes the walking walls of testosterone shooting freaks with white powdered noses. They were the worst offenders and usually had shrunken dickheads with little legs, no neck and arms that just didn’t seem to fall by their sides naturally… That was usually the signal to head home before the place filled up with more bar-stars.

    These guys would be the bar-star dickheads.

    high-caffeine cola – yum. pepsi is pep!

  10. Yes, my caffiene abuse is much better for me than other substances in my youth.

  11. Bishknuck

    Yes, I wish to express my concern regarding the atrocity that is Dickheads. They’re everywhere. It is an atrocity, and I will not stand for any of them, anywhere, anymore.

    Some of the worst offenders are fuckwits who, when you’re walking along the footpath, particularly in the city, block the footpath by standing in the middle of it.

    They’re not even doing anything, they stand there fucking-well jerking off. Its even worse when it’s a large group of fuckfaces blocking the entire footpath, and then u have to walk around the entire, damn group.

    Lately though, I’ve been simply ploughing through these problem groups, just pretending they’re not there. If any arsehole says anything, (which they generally don’t, coz they suddenly realise they’ve been arseholes), I just reply with shit like: “The footpath is for walking on, not blocking people’s way.” or “You want a piece of me shithead?!”

    All I ask is that everyone simply thinks about other people, just be courteous, do the right thing, etc. It’s not hard to do. Really. You might even feel good about it.

    Thankyou for letting me vent.

    G. Bishknuck

  12. Awesome rant Bishnuck. I like it when I make people feel liberated enough to cut loose!

  13. Sparky

    I found your post on google

    i typed in the search “how to deal with dickheads” and you came up first in google!!

    i am at a loss at the moment. i feel helpless to confront or shake off these irratable fuckwits who plague our every step.

    i feel sad and almost lonely sometimes that these people have a right to be in the world at all.

    all i want is some piece and quiet.
    i want to go to the shop without them being on the street corner with some fuckin sarcastic comment.

    I want to drink in the pub without anyone having the feeling that i give the slightest shit what they have to say about me my girlfriend my life my haircut my car or anything about me at all.


    but i wont because im scared of the consequences. which i guess is kinda sad really that i wont stand up for myself in some ways but im growing more and more scared that there is actually nowhere to go to get away from them. your not safe in your own home because of them fucking with your car outside. your not safe from them anywhere.

    decision made

    im going to be the first south pole hermit.

    probably not even safe there

  14. Mate, not wanting to get your head punched in is sensible. I find it’s usually far more advisable to say what you think to dickheads internally. Or get a blog. I find blogging very therapeutic.

  15. Samwise Ganja

    a list of dickheads.. please add your own

    shopping mall dickheads
    footpath dickheads
    petrol head dickheads
    cinema dickheads
    trainstation dickheads
    retail sales dickheads
    phone sales dickheads
    nightclub dickheads

  16. Aussie Guy

    When it comes to dickheads , Australia has some classics .. usually drug fucked loosers or wonderful folk of middle eastern appearence… And my step daughter must be a dickhead magnet .. Man can she attract em !!

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