Return of the toilet vampires

The toilet vampires have been at it again.  Those evil incorrect toilet paper handing bastards are trying to mess with me because of the public stand I’ve taken against them.  Like most clandestine organisations, the Society to Hurt Innocent Toilet-Paper (or SHIT) don’t take kindly to having their secrets exposed.

I have it on reliable sources that the heads of the SHIT conspiracy (known collectively as the SHIT Heads) have launched a vendetta against me.  They spy on my toilet habits and try to find ways to fuck with me.  At work today they got particularly nasty.

I have of late taken to using the wheelchair-accessible toilet at work, simply because it’s private.  There aren’t actually any wheelchair-bound people at work so I’m not making life hard for any disabled people.  The privacy is important to me – I’ve sounded off frequently in the past about how gross I think communal toilet cubicles are (what’s worse that sitting next to someone doing a stinky shit?  Sitting in the middle of six people doing stinky shits!)

So the bastards knew which toilet I would be using and they sabotaged the toilet paper.  They’d weakened the toilet paper somehow so it tore in vertical strips rather than coming out in sheets.  And because the paper is hidden away in a dispenser designed by satan himself, it was a bastard of a job to try and get the strips that hadn’t come off and were still attached to the roll.  Without evening the roll out like this the problem got progressively worse so I had to spend ages struggling with it.

The end result was basically me being forced to wipe my arse with confetti.  It may surprise you to learn that confetti is not the most efficient of arse-wipers.  But those SHIT Heads won’t get me down!  I’ll keep fighting the good fight.

And just to show how great my commitment is to toilet issues, here are a few of my video rants on toilet related issues that you may have missed the first time around:



Filed under Video Blogging

15 responses to “Return of the toilet vampires

  1. In Asia, you squat. And is sucks. I try to squat the least amount of time possible, easy when you have access to toilets with a seat.

    Even then, you can find people’s footprints on toilet seats, because they are so used to squatting.

    I have done so only as a last ditch attempt in sanity. In fact, it has happened only twice or thrice.

  2. Ahem.

    You forgot to wipe your ass. And that’s shitty! 🙂

  3. You know, I’m generally against the death penalty, but things like this… just unforgivable. Providing inadequate, or no toilet paper, or fucked up toilet paper such as you described should be punished with full force.

  4. fuck them all in the neck with an empty toilet paper roll.

  5. range: The asian public toilet squatting thing has always freaked me out a bit.

    gruntski: I didn’t forget, I just had to do it with confetti. A small difference, I’ll grant you.

    Michelle: We’ve gotta be tough with the evildoers.

    Sandra: Eloquently put!

  6. gruntski

    I was talking about the first vid- you forgot altogether!!! Especially after the effort talking about the correct way to hang toilet paper- it doesn’t matter which way it hangs if you don’t use it!!!

  7. I thought actually wiping during the video would be a bit graphic mate 🙂

  8. Good Lord! This is precious, precious, precious! (Do I sound like Michael Richards repeating myself? I hope not! I hope not! I hope not!)

    I loved this post. SHIT heads is a classic definition.

  9. gruntski

    Where’s ya sense of adventure?! 😉

  10. Need I mention the bizarre kind of toilet paper dispenser where you pull out one sheet at a time?

    Old building I used to have an office in had those. Fixtures hadn’t been replaced since the 50s.

  11. Yeah, it makes the paper “break” when you try and pull out a few sheets together.

    That sucks.

    A kid wrote something about this recently. He was stuck in a toilet, doing a #2 and noticed too late that there was no toilet paper. So he used the used toilet paper in the trash.

    Let me explain, in Asia you don’t flush your toilet paper, you throw it into a little trashcan next to the toilet bowl. I have never really done so, always flushing it, because that is fucking disgusting in my book.

    After this, he wrote that his “problem was solved”. Now that was funny, I still have a photocopy of that.

  12. I like the toilet signs you showed in the last video. Very forward thinking illustrations.

    Sorry about the confetti toilet paper. I had a great laugh about that. I also dislike very much when the toilet paper is so soft it falls apart because of it’s softness. Some manufacturer’s must be forgetting to ad enough strength to make up for the extra soft they added. 😉

  13. Hmmm, how did I lose track of the comments here/ Oh well, time to catch up.

    Suroor: Glad you liked the SHIT heads – I have fun coming up with acronyms every now and then.

    Gruntski: you’re a sick, wrong man

    Candice: yeah, and the paper in those dispensers seems to be waxed or something

    Range: you keep grossing me out with stories of “local colour” in Asia

    Jessica: Yes, those toilet signs tickled my fancy and I wanted to share.

  14. Funny stuff. The toilet signs are pretty neat too.
    Somehow I think I’ll add to my bookmarks… unless you ban me first, of course.

    I sure hope you can cut up a few more large ladies to finish your Buffalo Bill mask.

    “It puts the lotion in the basket!”

    … no wait, you’re Australian…. Wolf Creek perhaps?

  15. I think a more accurate one would be Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw massacre.

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