The toilet vampires have been at it again. Those evil incorrect toilet paper handing bastards are trying to mess with me because of the public stand I’ve taken against them. Like most clandestine organisations, the Society to Hurt Innocent Toilet-Paper (or SHIT) don’t take kindly to having their secrets exposed.
I have it on reliable sources that the heads of the SHIT conspiracy (known collectively as the SHIT Heads) have launched a vendetta against me. They spy on my toilet habits and try to find ways to fuck with me. At work today they got particularly nasty.
I have of late taken to using the wheelchair-accessible toilet at work, simply because it’s private. There aren’t actually any wheelchair-bound people at work so I’m not making life hard for any disabled people. The privacy is important to me – I’ve sounded off frequently in the past about how gross I think communal toilet cubicles are (what’s worse that sitting next to someone doing a stinky shit? Sitting in the middle of six people doing stinky shits!)
So the bastards knew which toilet I would be using and they sabotaged the toilet paper. They’d weakened the toilet paper somehow so it tore in vertical strips rather than coming out in sheets. And because the paper is hidden away in a dispenser designed by satan himself, it was a bastard of a job to try and get the strips that hadn’t come off and were still attached to the roll. Without evening the roll out like this the problem got progressively worse so I had to spend ages struggling with it.
The end result was basically me being forced to wipe my arse with confetti. It may surprise you to learn that confetti is not the most efficient of arse-wipers. But those SHIT Heads won’t get me down! I’ll keep fighting the good fight.
And just to show how great my commitment is to toilet issues, here are a few of my video rants on toilet related issues that you may have missed the first time around: