Strange goings-on afoot at work today. There’s this weird little device chugging away making a noise that sounds sort of like the air filter in a fish tank. There’s a sign attached saying it’s testing air quality so I guess it does kinda work like a fish tank air filter. This is probably linked to pretty much everyone in the department getting sick recently.
I’m the sort of person who actually feels less secure when he sees overt security measures in place. There’s a major Synagogue near my place that employs security that look like CIA spooks (I like to call them “Jews on patrol” – not to their faces). They look the real deal: suits, earpieces, talking into their sleeves.
Some people would look at them and say “phew, these fine lads and ladies will keep us safe.” I look at them and think “holy fuck! Has there been a bomb threat or something? Why the fuck are these guys out in the street?”
So when I see something testing the air, I don’t think “I’m glad they’re looking after us. I think “Oh shit, I’m going to die – we’re obviously being poisoned.”
Actually the really cynical side of me thinks the sensor will be deliberately set to produce a favourable reading so they can tell us all to stop being hypochondriacs and get back to work. So I have a plan. I’m going to get my sickest cow-orker to cough gobs of phlegm straight into the sensor. That should overload it and make it look like we’re having an outbreak of bubonic plague.
I’m expecting the health department to shroud the whole building in plastic sheeting any second now.