Testing the air

Strange goings-on afoot at work today.  There’s this weird little device chugging away making a noise that sounds sort of like the air filter in a fish tank.  There’s a sign attached saying it’s testing air quality so I guess it does kinda work like a fish tank air filter.  This is probably linked to pretty much everyone in the department getting sick recently. 

I’m the sort of person who actually feels less secure when he sees overt security measures in place.  There’s a major Synagogue near my place that employs security that look like CIA spooks (I like to call them “Jews on patrol” – not to their faces).  They look the real deal: suits, earpieces, talking into their sleeves. 

Some people would look at them and say “phew, these fine lads and ladies will keep us safe.”  I look at them and think “holy fuck!  Has there been a bomb threat or something?  Why the fuck are these guys out in the street?”

So when I see something testing the air, I don’t think “I’m glad they’re looking after us.  I think “Oh shit, I’m going to die – we’re obviously being poisoned.”

Actually the really cynical side of me thinks the sensor will be deliberately set to produce a favourable reading so they can tell us all to stop being hypochondriacs and get back to work.  So I have a plan.  I’m going to get my sickest cow-orker to cough gobs of phlegm straight into the sensor.  That should overload it and make it look like we’re having an outbreak of bubonic plague.

I’m expecting the health department to shroud the whole building in plastic sheeting any second now.

4 Comments

Filed under Work

4 responses to “Testing the air

  1. “talking into their sleeves” – beam me up!

    Bubonic plague!

    This causes me to reminisce of The Red Death written by Edgar Allen Poe.

  2. Well, you could take to breathing directly on the sensors, that would at very least make management think your office was damp and poorly ventilated. (Too much CO2, not enough Oxygen = more vents for people.)

    Alternatively smoking near the sensor would probably make it look like you’re all suffering carbon monoxide poisoning; but it may also be able to detect smoking.

    But knowing the kind of solutions that get put into place, you may find you get a whole new set of poorly fitted A/C units and vents which don’t keep you cool enough in summer, and allow drafts in winter. Although I guess drafty offices is less of a problem in Oz than it is here in the UK.

  3. you’re like a crazy genius or something. i mean that was a cunning plan!

  4. Jessica: like I said… strange goings-on

    Massif: crap air-con is a worldwide problem

    Marayam: I’ll settle for crazy

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