Today’s leading indicator that work stress is getting to me is the way I went off at a driver on the way to work today. His sin? Rolling forward while waiting at a red light. I’ve always taken this practice to be a sign of extreme stupidity but it really bugged the shit out of me this morning.
This behaviour makes me angry for two reasons: one, it isn’t as if the light goes a different shade of red to tell you “start rolling forward now”. When it’s red you fucking stop. You wait until it’s green to go. This is driving’s version of premature ejaculation and it can be just as messy. Rolling out even a little into an intersection when opposing traffic still has a green (or orange) light is an invitation to disaster. Just say no.
The second reason this behaviour pisses me off is that in my experience, 9 out of 10 drivers who do this actually miss the green light when it comes. They wrongly anticipate the change and roll forward. The light doesn’t change and they still roll slowly forward. Then they think “why the fuck hasn’t the light changed?” and hit the brakes. Then the light goes green but it takes them a few seconds to adjust and actually go. I’m sure there’s an appropriate sexual metaphor for this as well but it escapes me just now. So I also hate the behaviour because most of the time it’s counter-productive, perpetrators get through the lights late rather than early.
My personal favourites (read: people I’d really like to bash some sense into with a length of lead pipe) are the ones for whom there is truly no point in rolling forward. It was one of these this morning who triggered my angry response. This tool in a 4WD (SUV to my American readers) was going to turn right at an intersection which meant they had to give way to the oncoming traffic (we drive on the left side of the road here). So there’s no way possible he could get through the intersection quickly when the lights changed but the fucking moron was still rolling forward while the lights were red.
The second one that really pisses me off is trucks. I’ve often found myself in the situation of being next to a truck at an intersection and after the intersection the road goes down from two lanes to one lane. Then the jerk in the truck starts rolling forward before the lights change. As if the slow moving fucker is actually going to streak across the intersection and cut me off. It’s utterly pointless for the truck driver to roll forward like this so the only conclusion I can draw is he’s too fucking stupid to know how idiotic his behaviour is.
So yeah, this little bit of shitty driving normally pisses me off but I think the way it got to me today is a pretty good indicator that my stress levels are a tad higher than is good for me. I think I’ll have a vodka and valium cocktail when I get home tonight.
Angry 365 Days a Year 
the thing that always gets me is the people who stop halfway down the street when there’s a red light up ahead, and then creep slowly towards it, in the hopes they won’t have to actually ever stop, that it’ll turn green by the time they get there, as if they’re going to lose some fucking points by actually applying the brakes completely. Everyone who is behind them has to creep along as well. What is so bad about continuing as far as you can and then stopping, like most people with common sense will do? I can never understand it.
If rolling forward at a red light is “premature ejaculation”, then missing the green light when it comes (because you’ve braked) must be coitus interruptus.
That’s all…
Oh the road rage stories I could relay. Talking to my friend while he is driving (yeah, yeah..but at least he is using a BlueTooth) only to have him start screaming obscenities into my ear. I’ve learned more new cusswords from his road rage than the urban slang dictionary could come up with. I mean really.. “FuckNugget?” what the hell is that?? And my friend will promptly start hollering and pointing at the car in front of him: “that!! that is a fucknugget!” he cries.
Tom: the ones who really shit me are the ones who brake approaching GREEN lights! It’s like they think the lights *might* change so they may as well start braking now. That’s a self-fulfilling prophecy you idiots!
kyklops: I knew someone would come up with the right metaphor! Thanks, mate.
Cinn: I make up lots of words for idiot drivers too. My favourite is “fuck-knuckle”. Or I say fuck as many times as I can, like: “for fuck’s fucking sake you fucking ignorant fuck-knuckle, what the fuck do you fucking think you’re fucking doing?” Usually followed by one long string of “fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfukittyfuckfuckfuck!”
You want to hear about road rage? I’ll give you road rage…
The other day I was driving down a busy avenue and at some point I change lanes and get if front of a car that’s keeping a decent distance from the one in front of it. The very same second the guy that’s now in front of me breaks hard and I find myself with just enough space to stop before I hit him. So I brake hard enough not to hit him but as slowly as possible in order to give the guy behind me as much time as possible to stop before hitting me.
It gets a bit tight but we all stop in time and all’s well.
As soon as we get started the guy behind me passes me, cuts in front of me (would have hit me if I hadn’t stopped), stops the car, gets out and comes over.
He says and I quote: “Why did you get in front of me and brake?”.
The only reason I didn’t jump him was that he was holding my door closed.
And this is why carrying a firearm in this country is illegal.
You made the right choice not jumping him even though he deserved it. You don’t want criminal convictions because of a moron. You reminded me of a reggae song that cam out a few years ago called “Road rage”. The singer had someone do that to him but the dude soon regretted accosting him because as the lyrics go “I’m a 6 foot black man with natty dreads.”
Ahhh yes, the “f” word, also one of my fave expeltives. I don’t reserve it just for driving though, but it is one of the best times to use it! One of my fave rants is “Fucking Michael Fucking Flatley, Fucking Lord of the Fucking Dance.” (narf!)
And didn’t Michael fucking Flatley say in an interview once that he liked to fuck within 30 minutes of coming off stage?
ewwww…ewwww….ewww…. I think you just scarred me for life with that!!!!
When I die, I want to die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving with………..
vani: one of my all time favourite usenet sigs 🙂
okay..okay.. my fucknugget friend showed me this one. I’ve posted it on my blog, but here’s the YouTube link…
Mr. Angry… this is right up your fucking alley. 🙂
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