I’ve noticed a disturbing trend at work lately with people referring to themselves in the third person when sending emails. It’s usually when the message is to let you know where someone’s going to be; something along the lines of:
“Bob will not be in the office tomorrow.”
It’s annoying enough when pretentious celebrities refer to themselves in the third person, I’m not putting up with this shit at work. There’s more than one offender but Bob does it the most so I decided to go and sort him out. I figured if I made an example of him, the others would cease their transgressions lest my vengeance be visited upon them as well. I strode across to Bob’s cubicle to address the situation with him thusly:
ME: Bob! What the fuck is your major malfunction?
Bob shrieked. I forgot what a nervous type he was.
ME: Calm down Bob, don’t make me slap you already. Why the hell do you refer to yourself in the third person in emails?
BOB: What do you mean?
ME: Look at the email you sent earlier. It says “Bob won’t be in tomorrow.” Why doesn’t it say “I won’t be in tomorrow”?
BOB: I thought people wouldn’t know who “I” was if that was all I put.
ME: Bob, take a look at the email. It has your name in the email address line. It has your name in the subject line. Then you signed off “regards, Bob.” Then under that is your email signature that has your name again. How many fucking times do you fucking think we need to fucking see your fucking name before we fucking know who the fuck the fucking email is from?
BOB: (sweating visibly, looking for help from nearby people who are all studiously looking in other directions) Uhhhhhh…
ME: Stop it, OK? It’s stupid. It’s annoying. And you know I’ll hit you if you annoy me enough.
ME: No buts, Bob. If I have to smack you in the head to serve as an example to others, I’ll do it. And you know I’ll enjoy doing it as well, so don’t test my patience. You’re not going to refer to yourself in the third person ever again, are you Bob?
BOB: No, definitely not.
And so the issue was resolved. This is why, during job interviews, I like to refer to myself as “solutions oriented”. It’s a better sounding buzzword than “psychopathically hostile to idiot cow-orkers who deserve it.”