The third person

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend at work lately with people referring to themselves in the third person when sending emails.  It’s usually when the message is to let you know where someone’s going to be; something along the lines of:

“Bob will not be in the office tomorrow.”

It’s annoying enough when pretentious celebrities refer to themselves in the third person, I’m not putting up with this shit at work.  There’s more than one offender but Bob does it the most so I decided to go and sort him out.  I figured if I made an example of him, the others would cease their transgressions lest my vengeance be visited upon them as well.  I strode across to Bob’s cubicle to address the situation with him thusly:

ME: Bob!  What the fuck is your major malfunction?

Bob shrieked.  I forgot what a nervous type he was.

ME: Calm down Bob, don’t make me slap you already.  Why the hell do you refer to yourself in the third person in emails?

BOB: What do you mean?

ME: Look at the email you sent earlier.  It says “Bob won’t be in tomorrow.”  Why doesn’t it say “I won’t be in tomorrow”?

BOB: I thought people wouldn’t know who “I” was if that was all I put.

ME: Bob, take a look at the email.  It has your name in the email address line.  It has your name in the subject line.  Then you signed off “regards, Bob.”  Then under that is your email signature that has your name again.  How many fucking times do you fucking think we need to fucking see your fucking name before we fucking know who the fuck the fucking email is from?

BOB: (sweating visibly, looking for help from nearby people who are all studiously looking in other directions) Uhhhhhh…

ME: Stop it, OK?  It’s stupid.  It’s annoying.  And you know I’ll hit you if you annoy me enough.

BOB: Bu-bu-bu-but…

ME: No buts, Bob.  If I have to smack you in the head to serve as an example to others, I’ll do it.  And you know I’ll enjoy doing it as well, so don’t test my patience.  You’re not going to refer to yourself in the third person ever again, are you Bob?

BOB: No, definitely not.

And so the issue was resolved.  This is why, during job interviews, I like to refer to myself as “solutions oriented”.  It’s a better sounding buzzword than “psychopathically hostile to idiot cow-orkers who deserve it.”

10 Comments

Filed under Work

10 responses to “The third person

  1. OMFG!! I thought I was gonna pee myself, I was laughing so hard at this. Only certified multiple personality sufferers are allowed to refer to themselves in the third person.

    But then…maybe Bob is one! Who knows Mr. Angry, you may not have actually been talking to Bob. Maybe you were actually talking to “Dave” or even “Steeeeve”.

    “Danny isn’t here Mrs. Torrence.” heh..heh..heh….

  2. “psychopathically hostile to idiot cow-orkers who deserve it.” i think that is a reguirement to technical support and consulting in IT industry. up here in north its disguised as “good social skills” can you imagine 20 dimwitted 9th graders and imagine storming from server room next to the class room and yelling “which one of you half-brained assholes! thinks its a good idea to search porn from trojan and virus riddled site!?” teacher of that class said something about using more proper language.

  3. Psycho-Pathetic… sums it up, really

  4. that was freakin awesome!

  5. Oh, one is definitely with you on that one. One also gets positively pissed off at those who insist on referring to themselves by their own name. It’s just wrong and something that one would never partake in oneself, one has more class than that.

  6. youtube is full of that (sadly my favorite Mr. Safety does that).

  7. Vladimir

    Vladimir wonders, if that Mr. Bob is two meters tall two meters wide muscular violent psychopath, would you still do the same thing?🙂

  8. Cinnkitty: You may be right, I generally avoid talking to this guy so who knows who I was “really” talking to?
    Shadowshian: it sounds like a perfectly acceptable level of language to me.
    Gruntski: I work with many psycho-pathetic people.
    Wmpiam: At least all Mr Safety does is introduce himself as Mr Safety, I don’t think he actually continues to refer to himself in the 3rd person after the introduction.
    Michelle: One is definitely on the right track there.
    Vlad: I would be very careful around a Bob of such size and demeanour. I’m angry, not stupid.

  9. Yeah, the people who refer to themselves in the 3rd person are freaking nut cases.

    I’ve never met anyone like that, but if I did, I’d probably slap them on the head as well!

  10. troy

    Really, then u should check out the prime minister of Jamaica – Portia, Portia! but then, that may be the limit of her vocab.

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