Is God an IT Consultant?

Having stirred a few creationists on YouTube lately, I got to thinking about the modern creationist’s favourite weasel words, “intelligent design”.  Intelligent?  You think?  What part of disease, famine, war is intelligent? 

All of which reminds me painfully of many IT consultants I’ve had to work with over the years.  These people are employed because of their supposed expertise.  They’re paid a fortune.  And they manage to fuck things up over and over.

OK, a brief disclaimer here.  Technically, I’m an IT consultant.  So if you’re one and you were thinking of taking offence, don’t bother.  You’re obviously one of the good ones.  Like me.

The bad ones certainly act as though they think they’re god.  Just try questioning one of them.  Righteous hellfire and brimstone is sure to follow.  I’m starting to suspect this is where intelligent design proponents are coming from.  Actually, they could probably get me on their side if they started pushing a “god as IT consultant” theory.

It would certainly explain a lot.  If you ever got to question god on why so many aspects of creation are so utterly fucked up, the response would be along the lines of: “well, it was designed according to the spec.  Technically, there’s nothing wrong with my design, it’s your implementation that’s the problem.”

This is pretty close to the explanation I was always given at catholic school.  Everything good = god.  Everything bad = satan and the wickedness of man.  Which always struck me as a bit of a cop out.  Fluffy bunnies, cute babies and beautiful sunsets are because god loves you.  Horrible things like disease, genocide and really bad TV shows happen because you’re wicked and you deserve it.

When it comes down to it, I have no problem with the concept of divinity or some sort of higher plane of existence in the afterlife.  It’s just that I think using this as an excuse to interfere with my life here and now is fucked up. 

The idea that any sort of supreme being could possibly give a shit about whether or not they have my adoration and supplication makes no sense to me.  The idea of inflicting eternal damnation on a lesser being is the product of vain human thinking, not the wisdom of a deity.

Judge me on whether or not my actions help people here and now, that I can deal with.  Judge scientific thinking on its merits, don’t ban it because it offends the magic guy in the sky nobody can see. 

And if god really is an IT consultant, we should have read the fine print in the contract.  Because there are a hell of a lot of bugs that still need fixing.  Does anyone know the number of the help desk?  I tried calling the pope but he called me a smartarse and hung up.



Filed under General Angriness

10 responses to “Is God an IT Consultant?

  1. Veikko

    Yeah, just look at the bloatware this “human” thing has become during all these years it’s been in production… There is even a support layer for this ridiculously old “hunter/gatherer”-protocol, which nobody has used for years!

    Seriously, what we need is a total rewrite from the scratch.

    And it could support utf-8 andiPv6, too.

  2. hmm i wonder are people in IT egomaniacs … naah. i have a sing sitting on top of my computer that says “God is busy now, can I help you?” well considering peoples current behaviour we allways been good at getting our heads fucked upped and killing each other. because we are such a clever little creatures we manage to create new ways to kill each other or a new way that will kill us every few years.

  3. Veikko: all good nerdy points 🙂

    shadowshian: maybe that killing ourselves thing is a feature not a bug. It’s possible that according to the design we weren’t meant to keep populating forever.

  4. Mr. Angry,
    I called 1-800-Need-God and it was just like every other help desk I’ve ever called. 5 million layers of “our menu has changed, please listen to the entire recording before making your selection.”

    When I got to the part where you have to wait for your name, I thought I would die from old age! Do you have any idea how long it takes to get to “Wendy” when they are listed alphabetically? Gah!!!! 😉

  5. Vladimir

    “Seriously, what we need is a total rewrite from the scratch.”

    Is that what those “Terminator” movies are all about? 🙂

  6. Veikko

    Vladimir: Yeah, and the borg, too.

    Though I’m not sure whether THEY support utf-8…

  7. cinnkitty: I recommend watching “God Inc.” on Youtube – that explains it all.

    Vlad: Stop saying that out loud! You’ll give the cosmic creator ideas.

    Veikko: The Borg are very adaptable.

  8. Thanks for the laugh.

    7 years ago I dealt with a consultant in Telecomm. He was corporate, I was regional. And quickly I learned he knew nothing about the switches we were working on. Each statement from him was corrected by me. He made 3 times my salary, and reminded me of it often.

    When he left the project he suggested I become a consultant, as he knew that I knew more than him, and thought I’d like to make some extra cash. Nice!

  9. At least he was nice enough to suggest you become a consultant so you could be decently rewarded 🙂

  10. Pingback: The REAL Consultant is - IN at

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