SUV drivers deserve what they get

I found a funny article today via Reddit that tells of some loser who decided he could compensate for his tiny penis by buying and oversized Hummer.  The damn thing was so big it wouldn’t fit in his garage so he had to park it in the street.  It seems his neighbours believe a Hummer is a poor choice of a vehicle.  To the point where someone trashed his stupid truck.

Ha fucking ha.  Couldn’t happen to a nicer moron.  32, living with his mother, feels compelled to buy a stupidly oversized vehicle and fit it out with extra bling.  Yeah, no issues going on there.

Now, this isn’t something I’d do myself (trashing an SUV, that is).  I prefer the “Toothpaste for dinner” approach – put a “God bless terrorism” sticker on them and let someone else do the work.  Actually, trashing these vehicles isn’t something I really advocate.  Owning an oversized truck when you have no good reason for it is pretty fucking antisocial but I don’t see how acting antisocial in response improves things.  It’s still fucking funny, though.

This story is good timing for me because I was going to blog anyway about the moron I was stuck behind in traffic the other day.  I hate getting stuck behind these stupid 4WD / SUV / whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-them pieces of crap.  You can’t see a damn thing past them.  Plus, it’s a safe assumption that anyone who’d buy one of the overpriced shit-heaps is a moron so they’re probably going to do something stupid at any moment.

So I’m stuck behind one of these tanks and its bumper is at about my eye level.  And the fuckwit who own it has put a bumper sticker on it.  Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t an honest sticker like “Fuck you!”  It was an “environmentally conscious” sticker which read “Think about the planet.” 

This type of vehicle wastes an absurd and unnecessary amount of resources during manufacture then continues to waste an absurd and unnecessary amount of resources when you drive it. The level of cognitive dissonance required to put a “green” bumper sticker on such a vehicle simply astounds me.

Like I said, I don’t advocate violent retribution against these morons.  But in this case, an effort of supreme willpower was required.  I kept imagining how satisfying it would be to drag this moron out of the driver’s seat and smash their face repeatedly into the bumper sticker until they acknowledged their own stupidity.

The other thing I don’t like is the fact that, as I said, the bumper of these fucking things tends to be at your eye level if you’re in a normal car.  It’s all too easy to imagine these morons rolling right over the top of you.  And the terrifying thing is, many of the people who buy these monstrosities cite that as one of their reasons.  The think they’re more likely to survive an accident because it seems clear that you’re less likely to survive if you’re on the receiving end.

This is the final nail in the coffin for these scumbags, in my opinion.  It makes for a pretty disgusting excuse for a human being if you buy a vehicle specifically because of its ability to deal out horrific injury and death.  I really do think these things should come with a “fuck you” sticker pre-applied.  It would be much more honest.  But more than marking you as an evil scumfuck, this decision marks you as even more of a moron.  You know why?

It simply isn’t true.

Drivers of these type of vehicles are actually statistically much more likely to be in serious accidents and suffer much worse injuries than people who drive normal cars.  One of the most interesting pieces I’ve ever read about these crapmobiles was written by Malcolm Gladwell (I’ve linked to this before but it’s really worth reading.)  He gives great detail on how stupid the damn things are: expensive, dangerous and pointless.

And the people who build them think the people who buy them are morons.

You can’t get much more blunt than describing “the mixture of bafflement and contempt that many auto executives feel toward the customers who buy their SUVs”.  But the article is chock-full of great reading including “SUVs tend to be bought by people who are insecure, vain, self-centered, and self-absorbed, who are frequently nervous about their marriages, and who lack confidence in their driving skills. ”  That little gem comes internal automotive industry research, not some green group trying to discredit them.

So if you’re still convinced you need to drive one of these behemoths, don’t say you weren’t warned.  In all likelihood you’ll pay the ultimate price.  Having your truck trashed by vandals should be the least of your worries.  Just remember, as you proudly sit in your lofty throne, master of all you survey: everyone hates you.

Most people in the street think you’re an ignorant, arrogant fuckwit.  The car dealer gouging you for a massive markup can probably barely contain themselves from laughing in your face.  The oil companies can’t believe how stupid you are, giving them enough money to run three more sensibly sized cars.  But you think you’re right – reality hardly counts in the face of that, right?



Filed under Driving

32 responses to “SUV drivers deserve what they get

  1. Maybe someone ‘greener’ stuck the sticker on the back of the 4WD (I’m not going to call it an ‘Ess-You-Vee’) as a form of protest against them driving it?

    And they probably never saw it because it takes 15 minutes to walk around their gigantic vehicle, so they normally just jump straight in the drivers door to find some hatchbacks to drive over.

  2. Sir Henry

    Was that you on Harry’s site?

  3. DOA

    I say the sticker was an elaborate “Toothpaste for dinner” maneuver. Why settle for broken windows and slashed tires when you can have some psycho bang the guy’s head into the car?

  4. MothersLife

    You’ll like this article then!–and-thats-just-the-drivers/2005/09/26/1127586800241.html
    I live quite close to the area filled with “mosman mothers” and hate driving anywhere near that area at school pick up time! Oh. My. God. just about sums it up!!

  5. Regarding SUV’s and “environmental” messages, you might get a kick out of this gallery of spare tire covers for SUV’s in Japan:

    A sample (and one of my favorites):

    A long time ago,
    before human was born,
    there were only WOODS, GRASS, BIRDS, ANIMALS and FISH.
    When human was born,
    they helped the newly born baby, offering their bodies.
    GRASS and ANIMALS became human’s clothings,
    and then, they protected him from the rain, wind and cold.
    WOODS and GRASS gave him their fruits, nuts and grains.
    ANIMALS, BIRDS and FISH became human’s food,
    and, they grew him up.

    SUV spare tire covers have their own sub-genre of “Engrish”!

  6. I guess it’s sort of Darwinian in a way.

  7. Vladimir

    Wouldn’t it look more logical for those guys to start buying tiny cars already? Huge ones are soundly associated with tiny penes of their owners, so it must be the other way around: “That guy’s car is so small… He probably has a huge dick, then.”

  8. Salamaat,
    This is so true….with gas prices hitting the roof, I wonder how these peeps deal with the cost? I am whining everytime I hit the gas station and my gas mileage is really awesome too…

  9. The guy is clearly an idiot. And so are the people who wreck private property.

    But just for fun, I’d like to point out the Prius is far more environmentally damaging than the Hummer. (Making it’s battery is the big killer.) And it’s less fun to run over pets-on-the-lam in a Prius. It just does it’s damage before it hits the streets. Let the flaming begin. 🙂

  10. (sigh…) My boss drives an H2 and he used the company money to buy it (gotta love those tax breaks that say “Hey a vehicle that weighs over 2,000 pounds and we’ll let you write it off every year as a business expense!)

    And..he uses the company to pay for his gas. So far, the biggest receipt he’s turned in has been for $94.00. WTF??? To fill a gas tank? Geez! Oh yeah..he only gets, like, 8 miles to the gallon!

    But the highlight of it all…. we are in a very,very small town, so him having an H2 is a “big” deal to these folks. Every year the grade school has a “scavanger hunt” and one of the items is “A photo of you with a HumVee”..guess where the little fuckers flock to??? Yeah..NO work gets done that day.

    Fathers have asked to use it to drive their daughters to ther wedding in it, teenagers have asked to be driven to Prom in it. It’s like a freakin’ “national monument” in this town.

    And honestly…I’ve been in it. It’s not that nice. I mean really, if you are going to pay *THAT* much for a vehicle with all leather and wood trim inside, the least you could get is freakin’ butt warmers for the backseat passengers!! But oh no.. only the driver and front passenger are allowed to have warmed asses, in the dead of winter, around here!! How rude!

  11. Rodeo: you may well be onto something there.

    Sir Henry: You’ll have to give me a bit more context

    DOA: You see through the complexity to the truth!

    Motherslife: I live in the equivalent Melbourne suburbs and have to navigate past three private schools’ worth of mums in massive 4WDs to get to work.

    Kyklops: always a fan of Engrish. At least they give you something interesting to look at while you’re stuck behind them.

    Michelle: a fabulous example of darwinism in action.

    Vlad: I did see a funny comic about that once, a guy who was laughed at his whole life for having a tiny penis buys a massive humvee to compensate. As he drives down the street people point and laugh and the captions reads “Now everybody knows”

    Maliha: Salamaat. I agree, don’t these people even have self-interest? Hurting other people I’m used to, but hurting yourself?

    Brian: I have no idea about how destructive the manufacturing process for the Prius is. But the Prius is fun for running pets and people over because they don’t hear you coming! Blind people are particularly screwed.

    Cinnkitty: I think that boss is telling you WAY too much about himself with the purchase of that H2.

  12. Sir Henry

    Ah, it wasn’t you then. It’s yet another Angry. Bloody hell, Angrys are multiplying like pox. Everywhere you look there’s an Angry lurking, ranting, raving.

    The context is a blog by a right-wing economist Harry Clarke, who is a professor of the dismal science at Latrobe.

    Here is the url to the blog thread (about Haneef, the incarcerated Indian doctor):

    Angry’s post was 1.00pm, a fair way down the thread.

  13. Not me, the dead giveaway was no link back here – in my vanity I always provide links to my blog 🙂 There’s actually another Mr Angry whose blog is titled “I am Livid”. He’s from the UK and after checking out his stuff once and liking it I made a point to stay away from his blog – I was scared I’d subconsciously steal his stuff.

  14. Sir Henry

    That’s probably yet another Angry, Mr Angry. Can’t you sue or something? You know, be like McDonald’s or Microsoft.

    Indeed, personally, I think there should be a Mr Angry on every corner. Wearing a sandwich board, megaphone in hand. The blogosphere kind of preaches to the converted.

    Although that may not be a bad thing. Being an atheist and a general broad-ranging hater (as in Rodney Rude’s “You know what I hate?”), I tune in to your Angry channel by way of religious solace. I put on my headphones, turn up the volume and listen to the reverend Angry 365 foaming at the mouth. Like in neeeeegrao churches I interject often: “Yeah! Yessir! Yo baby, right on! Dig dat ting!…Mm mm”. Then I play some Duke Ellington In a Mellow Tone.

    If I may humbly offer a slight improvement… be angrier. Amen.

  15. Jane

    Oh man, I drive a truck. I have to for work and stuff. Do ya hate me?

    • S Barringer

      Simple answer, no.
      I used to live in New Mexico, and had a truck too, because you need one for hauling supplies in from distant places, once a month, maybe once every three months. This is a need; a necessity.
      It’s the idiots in the cities that live on postage stamp sized lots and can’t even get the humongous SUVs into their garages, and use it to haul a bar of soap or bag of groceries once a month, and that’s all. Then they bitch if their warthog SUV is vandalized because it sits outside, not in the garage. It’s about ego; it’s stupid! But, good news. In my neighborhood, I’ve notice that the SUVs are being replaced with economy cars, and even bicycles. I’ll take a little progress.
      But there are still way too many SUVs on the highways. I hate it when I pull up to a stop sign/yield sign, and on my left there’s a huge elephant of an SUV blocking my view. I can’t see to go straight of turn until he gets his humongous piece of junk out of the way!

  16. Sir Henry: I know my level of angry goes up and down from day to day – it all depends on how much catharsis I need on a given day. And I think the angry meme should spread far and wide too – the more the merrier. Or angrier as the case may be.

    Jane: I have no problem at all with working vehicles. It drives me crazy that 99%+ of these vehicles do nothing approach work and never go off road.

  17. Get a life...

    I have to be honest, at no point while reading this article did I absorb anything other then the incoherent rambling of an obviously bitter person, exploiting someone’s misfortune and making gross generalizations about a person based on the car he drives. Is it perhaps that writing online blogs cannot make you enough money to buy a car like a Hummer or perhaps you were teased as a kid by people with “tiny dicks” that need to buy big cars in order to make themselves feel better. Your hatred and judgment is neither funny nor justified. I wonder how many Hummer driving assholes do you actually know that you can base any of this ridiculousness on?

    Now i am by no means an anti-environmental, and I really don’t think that’s the issue here. You cannot assume that just because someone has a big car that he has a small penis, or that he’s some moron that lives with his mother and has nothing better to do then sit around and be an arrogant prick. Asserting that he “got what he deserved” is ridiculous, its that same kind of ignorance and hatred that led people to vandalize his car in the first place, you say you don’t condone what these people did but in a way that’s a lie, you do in fact condone what they did. The people who did this are not heroes of the environment, but masked thugs who instead of trying to make a positive change decide to go around and bash in peoples property, petty criminals who probably contribute less to society then this man who had his property destroyed does. I happen to be from Washington DC and a friend of the kid whose car was vandalized, and I can tell you what kind of guy he is, and the fact of the matter is if you met him you wouldn’t be saying anything bad about him and rather that its a shame that we have too many bat wielding assholes in our city with no jobs and too much time on their hands. You may think that this affects my credibility and that i am biased but your allegations are based on nothing but a tiny newspaper article. Say what you want but you are taking out your opinions on the wrong person, this article should be instead about how ridiculous the fact that people with a supposed positive message do something so radical and wrong, causing people to question environmental movements around the country and the world. This represents a problem much bigger then one person and his truck, its represents a difference between right and wrong, appropriate and in-appropriate forms of eco-protest. I have read countless arguments about my friend and what happened, and many people are calling this an act of eco-terrorism and i agree, and you are putting these thugs over innocent people who mean no harm to anyone.

    My suggestion to you is this, instead of insulting people, making assertions that are not true at all maybe you should stick to the issue at hand. If you have a problem with big cars instead of insulting the people who drive them why don’t you say something about the industry that provides them to millions of people around the world, they are they ones who you should be mad at. It doesn’t matter what kind of car you have, having a Hummer or a Prius or whatever doesn’t make you any better then anyone else, and by no means makes you deserve to have your property destroyed outside of your house. You should be writing about how its a shame that people who could be acting in positive ways to promote the environment instead decide to lash out with hatred and violence, that to me is appalling. I suggest that you stick to the REAL issues, your rant about my friend does nothing to solve any environmental problems we have, and contributes nothing at all to anyone except trying incite hatred against people who drive large cars. I know the image of the American mentality around the world is that we are bunch of giant SUV driving arrogant assholes, and ill be the first to admit there are a few out there, but for the most part that couldn’t be farther from the truth, and the fact of the matter is that the United States has some of the most strict environmental guidelines regarding automobiles in the world. Most small European cars are not able to be sold or driven here because they do not meet EPA emission standards. On top of that the US Congress just passed a bill that would make it required for all automakers in the United States including ones like GM and Hummer to manufacture cars and trucks with gas mileage over 30 MPG, there is no country in the world passing legislation like that, nor is there any other country in the world that pours more money into the development of alternative fuels such as hydrogen and E85 Ethanol. I suggest you get your facts straight, and stop trying to be a bully, you make no solid argument, and honestly I think your really full of it.

  18. Get a life...

    And in addition to my last post, i want to make it clear that i do not drive a large SUV, and i want everyone to know that the reason why i am writing this is not to support people buying huge gas guzzling SUVs, but rather to support my friend who had his dream car, a car that he had been wanting for years, needlessly destroyed. He is neither a prick nor someone who is against the enviroment in any way. And i feel that people should know that before they question his character.

  19. Prius = Stealth Marauder… You’ve changed my mind, Mr. Angry, I’m getting one. Felines beware!

    Now I just wonder if there’s a market for cat and squirrel pelts on the internet…

  20. getalife: wow, way to go with the honesty. I couldn’t have suggested a better name for you myself. get a fucking life indeed you fucking loser. Your absolute inability to engage in self reflection is truly hilarious. Although I have to thank you for confirming the truth for me, in your own words, I have had problems with: “people with tiny dicks that need to buy big cars in order to make themselves feel better”

    As you are so totally incapable of seeing anything outside your completely self-absorbed bubble existence, let me point out how the rest of the world sees you: You’re a fuckwit. Your friend is a fuckwit. The only thing that could have made trashing his car better was if someone set fire to it with the two of you inside.

    And as for that ridiculous shit saying you’re “not anti environmental”… do you actually think anyone believes your lies? I bet you go around saying some of your best friends are jewish, too. And as for what makes someone a better person, I don’t think buying a Prius makes anyone better by definition but buying a humvee most certainly marks you as a despicable, vile, pathetic excuse for a human. Piss off you loser.

    Brian: There’s a market for *everything* on the internet.

  21. YO MAMA

    Garreth is a good friend of mine and a great person. Fuck you and anyone else that has a problem with it. You are all sudo self righteous holier then now losers that watch to much internet porn. If you had any sense of moral prudance you wouldn’t condone such things. There are plenty of non violent ways to get your point across. All I can say is this, whoever vandalized his car are pussies. They hid their faces under hoods. Where I’m from you get no respect from me!!

  22. It’s nice to know poor little Garreth has such inarticulate friends. I’m sure that comforts him as his mummy tucks him in at night.

  23. FUCK YEA!!!!!!!!! Every godamn time I get stuck behind one of those assholes on the highway I only wish I could legally give them what they deserved. These people can not drive worth there own life. That is apparently a justifiable excuse for SUV driving fucks. These people need to have there property destroyed so as they may learn the value of our environment and the precious oil our troops are fighting for over in Iraq. I hope people read this and take it as an example of what should be done to these death machines out being driven by ignorant hypocritic fucks who care about no one but themselves and there own fat asses they squeeze into their ridicolously wasteful and evil vehicles. Burn these fucking things off the fucking road and increase the hate against those that support terrorism in such a pussy and cowardice way.
    And yes. they DO have small penises.

  24. They have very small penises. Even the women.

  25. Silver Tupuxuara

    Y’kno, not every who drives something over a 2.0L engine that can carry more than a half-tonne of crap (such as a 2×4 Toyota Hilux Ute or Ford Ranger Ute) can survive driving (let alone being a passenger) in your average hatchback (Ford Laser/Mazda 626) or sedan (Ford Falcon) or even sports vehicle (I’m looking at you Pontiac Trans-Am/Firebird & Nissan/Datsun 280ZX!) without having to pay serious chiropractor bills after a single trip.
    I drive a Nissan X-Trail (Ti for those who want to know, nice for sitting on 100-110 on the Hume Highway with cruise control, saves the leg muscles from getting cramped from having to constantly adjust the pressure on the pedal to moderate the speed) and it’s a SUV/Compact Wagon (Nissan’s own terms), and it was the best choice vehicle for me in 2003 when it was purchased as I didn’t have to break my back bending down and climbing in just to sit as a passenger (the seats are at a much more natural butt-level that you don’t even think about sitting down when you climb in, rather than falling down before your arse meets the seat cushion in anything smaller than your average Ute).

  26. John Connor

    I just went to the shops and I nearly threw up!! There was about 10 SUVS within a 25 meter radius.
    All with stupid mums living the delusion that their kids will be safer if they have an accident(fucking learn to drive) and so desperately trying to be the envy of all the other mothers down at the day-care centre.Never mind the fact that if mummy hits another car in that big piece of shit she will probably kill the occupants. Not to mention the excessive amount of fuel being used and the pollution to go with it!!

  27. Angry Guy,
    Thanks for the article. It made my day. ROFL–literally!
    I agree with you whole-heartedly in every point you make. I live in suburban area where all the lots are like postage stamp size, so no real reason for the owners to be hauling in bales of hay for their cows, etc.
    In every direction I look, there’s a humongous SUV sitting in a driveway. I watch these people out of curiosity to see if they really need it for work use or hauling supplies home, etc. Virtually every one of them never use the SUV for its intended purpose-hauling stuff.
    The most I’ve ever seen hauled is a couple bags of groceries, pet food, and such. They, many of them overweight, if not obese, climb into their behemoths, drive one block to the local store, buy one or two items, and drive home. Geez, they can’t walk to store and burn-off that blubber hanging off their gut and butt and carry one or two items home in a bag? But, they have to have that monster sitting their driveway because it’s a “social statement”. (Other than having the mini-penis, that is.)
    Well, 99% of us got the social message and are frickin’ sick of it.
    Plus, you’re right; they can’t drive worth a damn. I watch them, and they can barely maneuver the beast out of their driveways and are real indecisive on the highways. They have trouble doing simple things like right-hand turns. They invariably run over the curb doing it, and any unaware pedestrians standing there.
    They are a menace!
    I had thought this psychopathology was specific to the U.S., but I see the disease has spread to other countries.
    I have no issues with people who really need these for work or because of a physical disability that prevents them from using a little car. My Mother is 92 years old, and will likely need a van for a wheelchair. I have no problems with that kind of need, and that’s what these vehicles should be reserved for. But, personally, I will continue to get from point A to point B exclusively by bicycle.
    Anyways, I love your sense of humor and will revisit this site regularly–to get my laughs for the day.

  28. james votinelli

    suv=egomaniac asshole mobile these things have completely destroyed our economy stupid useless vehicles the poeple who own them are too fat to bend down to get into a regular car too lazy to shovel snow and too rich to consider charity?

  29. S Barringer

    One of these fuckwit SUV owners nearly took me out last week as I was cycling home. I was about 10 yards from the STOP sign where he/she should have stopped. They came roaring up, and I had a feeling they were not going to stop, and they didn’t. They blew right through the stop sign, and by that time, I was right in front of them. I have TWO headlights and a reflective vest, and most drivers came see me coming, especially when I turn my head toward them and my helmet mounted halogen is glaring right in their eyes. This twit didn’t see anything. He darned near hit me, and would have if I hadn’t defensively veered into the other lane. I saw the fuckwit coming, but he/she saw nothing. I guess I was just a bug buzzing in the air. Nothing to worry about. A Big honking SUV can eliminate that in a flash–and good riddance, right?
    The part about SUV drivers being unsure of their driving skills? It’s true.

  30. Jay Ell

    May be a bit late, but I just stumbled across this article – and it echoes a lot of my displeasure over the SUV genre and their owners’ equal lack of sense.

    I live in the Midwest, where it seems that nearly every other vehicle is a pickup truck or SUV with a single occupant. While I’m sure there are exceptions, nearly all of them drive like they feel every inch of the road is theirs, whether there is someone else on it or not, whether they have the right of way or not.

    I’m a male with somewhat of an ego to feed – yet it’s constantly in a battle with Common Sense. I owned a Ford Taurus for many years. It’s just me and on occasion, a pet to the vet. I recently had to purchase another vehicle. About 95% of my driving is on city streets.

    My choice of vehicle? Common Sense prevailed, especially in light of recent spikes in gas prices. I now drive a used Ford Focus. I’m not cramped for leg or head room. One of my newest pleasures is taking advantage of my driving style and delighting in seeing my average gas usage frequently bouncing off the 30 mpg range (car is rated at 26 mpg city).

    Where I am cramped at all is in the presence of SUVs on the road around me. I do something that most of them seem to find appalling and unheard of. It’s called the speed limit. Everywhere I drive, I seem to have a 6,000 trailer in the form of a tailgating Expedition or Suburban. I don’t press on the gas one gram further for these bullies – especially on two-lane roads. I’m in the right and I have no reason to be intimidated one whit into driving the way they wish me to. In fact, they would be thanking me if they stopped to think about the gas I’m saving them!

    That is, if they thought at all…

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