Shut up or I’ll kill you

There are many instances where I want to say to people “Shut up or I’ll kill you!”  Or, more accurately, I want to scream it in their face from a distance of about 5 centimetres.  Usually this is because they’re  talking shit and I desperately want them to stop.  I have a slightly different problem at work right now.

I have to work with someone whose voice is pitched at a level that gives me headaches.  I don’t mean metaphorically.  Her voice seems to resonate in my skull and set off vibrations.  If I start with the vaguest hint of a headache, listening to her will make it grow until I can’t stand it.  She makes it worse by talking very loudly.

I know why she does this.  She’s spent years working in a male dominated industry.  She’s learned from experience if she doesn’t speak up strongly she’ll be drowned out by someone else.  It isn’t as if she’s saying stupid things, she’s quite intelligent.  But she’s making my fucking head explode.

And I have to sit through long meetings involving this woman.  As the throbbing in my head increases I find it increasingly difficult to actually absorb anything being said.  Eventually it becomes impossible to even hear what people say.  Instead of paying attention, I’m inwardly focused saying to myself:

“shut up shut up shut up shut the fuck up please shut up for fuck’s sake just stop talking will you please shut up I can’t stand it!”

Then I realise people are looking at me.  Expectantly.  I realise someone must have asked me a question.  And I have noooooo fucking idea what to say.  You’d be surprised how many creative ways I have of saying “I have no idea what you just said – please repeat it.”

Or then there are the days when I suspect I’ve actually been saying my “shut the fuck up” rant out loud.  One of these days I’m going to do it.  Just to see how people react.



Filed under General Angriness

20 responses to “Shut up or I’ll kill you

  1. Vladimir

    How about earplugs? They don’t eliminate all sounds (unfortunately!), but they filter it down, so you still could participate in the meetings. It could be difficult to listen to people with lower voices, though.

  2. DOA

    Don’t you just hate it when something ‘s driving you up the wall but you can’t do anything about it cause it’s not their fault?
    I have to deal with a customer (a woman employee of theirs in fact) who must have some sort of condition cause she operates at speeds that most people couldn’t keep up for more than a minute. Both her speech and thought process is very fast to the point where a conversation with her leaves you feeling exhausted. Phone conversations usually go something like this…
    Me: Hi, it’s me, I hear you had a problem with your email?
    Her: ohyeahwehaventreceivedanythingtodayandI’mprettysurewehaveemail.

    I check their emails, fix the problem and call back:

    Me: Hi it’s me, your email should be working n…
    Her: Ohyeahitsokthanksalotbye! *click*

  3. I work in, let’s face it, a very yuppie part of town. On days like today, I feel like saying “if you don’t get off your mobile while I’m putting your sale thru, or at least give me eye contact, I will kill you!”

  4. Makes me think of a movie — I think it was James Dean and he’s holding his head and screaming “You people are killing me!” 🙂

    Oh god..I would LOVE the be a fly on the wall the day you actually start muttering your mantra and people hear you. That would be classic!

  5. startingtoday

    I don’t know about that.. I don’t think the pitch of her voice has to do with trying to compete around men. That’s not an excuse to have an annoying voice. If you say you can’t stand to hear her, seems to me like it would be hard for other men to hear her as well.

    Maybe she just likes to hear herself. Who knows.

  6. That’s the drawback when it comes to office jobs. No matter where you work, you’ll always have to endure some irritating knobjockey exceeding tolerable decibel and frequency thresholds. Office jobs suck; I’d rather shovel shit all day on a 40 degree day, or at a pinch, telecommute.

  7. tom

    or like my new next door neighbor, who is “living life to the loudest”, some people seem to be born without the gene for modulation

  8. heh i got dickhead radar in form of a headache, my i get a spot headache on that side of my where the asshole is.

  9. I work with a woman that if she is anywhere near me, and one of my bosses asks ME a question about a job we’re doing, she yells out the answer from about 8 feet away. She does this CONSTANTLY. I just want to bash her head right the fuck in.

  10. Oh yea, and another thing she does: GET’S IN MY PERSONAL SPACE. ARRRRGGGGG!!!!

  11. Paul Baylay

    Ah c’mon – nothing works better than the “Norman Bates smile intensely, and nod your head back and forth really fast as you eye ball the person concerned routine”. Sure everyone will laugh the first time around. But give it a couple of go’s and you will find people climbing the walls to avoid you. Tried and tested..

  12. Apparently I’m a magnet for another type of annoying co-worker: the compulsive cougher/throat clearer. What sucks is even though I almost never come in direct contact with these people, they’re always in a nearby cube, coughing up Beethoven’s fifth. And sooner or later, you have to take your headphones off…

    One day, when I finally do get my license to kill, I will test out my theory that it is possible to beat a person to death with a salty grapefruit. 😈

  13. Vlad: I think sitting there wearing earplugs is a shortcut to getting fired

    DOA: Slip some valium in her coffee!

    Vetti: I HATE that! That sort of deliberate obnoxiousness deserves to be punished!

    Cinnkitty: yeah, that’s me – channelling James Dean 🙂

    Startingtoday: It’s the pitch that gives me a headache. Her volume is a “being heard” thing that makes it worse.

    Opposite: but I’m very soft and love the comfort of an office nevironment

    Tom: my neighbours are like that too. I get my revenge by shouting loudly while making videos.

    Shadow: there must be days when that makes your head explode. So many dickheads…

    Linda: head bashing sounds like a justifiable action there

    Paul: You’re scaring me. It sounds like you have that down to a fine art.

    Brian: I love the creativity of your revenge.

  14. Vladimir

    >I think sitting there wearing earplugs is a shortcut to getting fired

    Indeed…. I should think about it some more. What if you wrap bandages around your head and say you have a head trauma? Or even not saying anything, they will guess on their own. So nobody is going to see the earplugs under the bandages. Also nobody is going to be surprised listening to you murmur “shutupshutupshutup”.

  15. That’s the shortcut to the mental facility.

    You can really tell in highschool which of the kids will be the ones with the whiney voices, that incessant TB cough, or that crazy neeeeeeed for constant attention. I think I’ll be one of the latter.

  16. I definitely need to employ the use of “Shut up, or I’ll kill you!” where I work.

    I have a coworker who talks louder than my headphones and says “pssst!” to get my attention.

    I hate that.

  17. Would you mind sharing some of your creative ways of saying: “I do not have any idea what we are speaking about, could you repeat the question?” I guess that I need some input in that matter since my usual reaction after not listening for whatever reason is: “Hein?” followed by apologies.

  18. There’s a woman that I work with whose tone of voice is basically just whining.

    You know how people sound when they whine? That’s what she sounds like ALL THE TIME. She has NO other tone of voice. This is the ONLY way in which she can communicate.

    To add insult to injury, I recently discovered that she has a boyfriend. And apparently they’re very happy together.

    I mean for the love of all things decent! WHAT?! Why!!! *deep breath*

  19. Vlad: You live in a strange world. I like it.

    Happychick: what’s wrong with a desperate need for attention? It’s my dominant personality trait.

    freshcracker: some people just can’t take a hint

    lapuce: try “I’m not sure exactly what you’re looking for” – that makes them rephrase the question while you’re paying attention

    Maryam: there are some things that will never make sense, no matter how long we ponder them.

  20. Pingback: » Blog Archive » Håll käften eller dö.

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