I’m forming my own religion. Sure, readers and viewers are nice but it doesn’t have the same ring to it as “disciples”. I figure the only thing that’s been holding me back so far is I haven’t been setting my sights high enough. If something as fucked up as Scientology (which is clearly batshit insane) can get a following then I can definitely put together a cult of my own.
I feel confident that I can offer followers far more enlightenment than Mormonism, for instance. Seriously, I’m not going to ask anyone to believe anything as deranged as “Jesus was a white American”. Not that I’m worried about coming up with a stupid, illogical belief system. That seems to actually work on your favour in cult-land. Apparently, believing in bizarre things that are clear indicators of mental illness doesn’t even automatically preclude you from being taken seriously as a contender for President of the USA.
I’ll even let you in on one of the key revelations of the Cult of Angry. I want you to know that it’s worth your while to join, after all. The central tenet of the Cult of Angry is this:
None of this is real.
By “this” I mean the intarwebnettubes. A true adept would not have needed that explanation. People online have a tendency to suspend reality and believe they really are “online”. No you’re not. You’re sitting in a goddam chair. Your computer is requesting information from a remote server. It’s being represented graphically on a screen. It’s phoshor excited by electrons. Or something. But it isn’t real.
That, grasshopper, is the first step on your road to enlightenment. The journey will be long and hard. It will involve lots of money and ritual sex in the Temple of Angry. But it will be worth it. I know this because the Blogging Bot From The Future has sent back this video message:
Don’t delay! The next step involves forwarding all of your money to The Most Sacred And Revered PayPal Account Of Angry. Account details to follow.
Angry 365 Days a Year 
Um, Mormons don’t believe Jesus was a white American.
Yes they do. And that is among the more sane of their beliefs.
Attempts to rationalize won’t win you many religious followers. After all, why do they join a religion if not because of unwillingness to think for themselves? Every rational concept of your Cult will halve your potential disciples.
I’ve got $1.20 I can donate to the Angry Cult Future Fund. Happy to oblige…. 😉
This morning I woke early with a fever and various agonizing pains in my Earthly body. The day was spent enjoying the suffering that comes with influenza. In my delirium it was revealed to me that I am Jesus. Well, not Jesus, but I’ve got all sorts of Jesus-ey shit going on.
So, we’ve got a problem, because I Am The Way. I challenge you to a Jesus-off!
Where do I sign up?
I’ll see Gruntski’s $1.20 and raise him..I’ll donate myself to the cult because, hell…I’m not getting any sex on my own, so I might as well put my body to use for the “good of many” right? 😉
I don’t like Kool-Aide though, could we have a different drink, maybe?
Sign me up Mr. Angry!
what are you going to do with your cult? I mean, what is the end game? perhaps you could join with elton john to bring about the destruction of the internet in a great flaming conflagration
I will join your cult only if I can be the goddess ‘bastard matriarch’. Doesn’t every religious god have to have a woman to nag???
I may join your cult, but only to lead a breakaway sect and steal all your most attractive followers.
Also, I spend far too much time asleep or near enough (i.e. at work) to ever be in any organisation with Angry in the name. So I probably shouldn’t join.
If you say that Jesus *wasn’t* a white American, then the terrorists have already won.
Can we roll this into the blogger’s union?
Vlad: don’t worry, my cult will have plenty of crazy rules
Gruntski: I don’t need your money yet, just your unquestioning loyalty
Sean: this will be a polytheistic cult – A jesus-off will not be required
Nag: You already have signed up
Cinnkitty: that’s the spirit, I’ll let you know the date of the first temple orgy
Tom: I think I’ll blow up elton john before I blow up the internet
Sandra: a bastard matriarch sounds great
Massif: I’ll invite you to the orgies anyway
Devolute: sounds like you know the score.
princesse: will the blogger’s union bow down and worship me?
As a Mormon, I can safely attest that Mormons DO NOT think Jesus was a white American. We do think Joseph Smith, who was our founding prophet, was a white American. But not Jesus. Jesus is a jewish baby born in a manger, that we worship as our Lord and Savior. 2 very different guys.
I always believe anything Mormons tell me. How’s the magic underpants going?
Nothing really matters – as long as you have faith as the basis of your religion – (i.e. not science, not logic) – and the more faith you have, the more for you to sell. And that’s what matters. That and the fact that as a religion, the state can’t touch you – i.e. tax you. So tax free income. How much closer can you get to heaven than that?!!
Get with it Angry! Stick it to the IRS!
Is it just me, or am I totally stupidly wrong? Isn’t beelzebub preaching about heaven? Like wanting to be there? And isn’t beelzebub another name for satan?
I know, I know, even satan believes in God, and all that, but it just doesn’t seem right to me.
I think I’ll opt for the totally stupidly wrong thing, shall I?
How about human sacrifices? I’d make a couple of religious donations (pick-up at my place).
Hell, I just want to help all those poor damned souls find their way to, er, salvation. Membership in a tax-free pseudo religion, and just a few dollars a week, will speed their way. The price of admission into the Kingdom is quite affordable. With ticket in hand, you can do anything else you want. No worries. Really.
beelzebub: yes, tax free status is a big part of my cult
Gruntski: I think a good lie down might be in order, mate.
Vlad: I think every time I off someone I don’t like I’ll say it was a human sacrifice and claim religious freedom.
Does this mean we’re getting habits or toga? I’m confused and haven’t got a clue what to wear. Does my bum look big in this?
Hallowed is the angryaussie…saviour of mankind.
I say that in the cult of angry we must all wear angry masks. Habits are optional, but a plus!
Goat soup: I’m thinking ceremonial robes with lots of sequins
hypnos: Absolutely! Masks for everyone!
Mr. Angry,
I would be more inclined to join The Cult of The Angry if extreme sacrifice and suffering were required. Not to alarm you, I’m not referring to bloodletting or anything of that sort. I am simply suggesting denying the body of sustenance. Eating disorders are so self-indulgent, not to mention passé; however, fasting wouldn’t be / couldn’t be perceived as an act of vanity. It would merely be considered a sacrifice for the greater good. Please, Mr. Angry, give me a reason to regress to the days in which I was comfortable denying my body nourishment without experiencing guilt. Please consider instituting fasting as a mandatory ritual. If so, consider me a devout member.
The magic underpants were stolen by the underpants gnomes.
I hate you Mr. Angry…
How’s that?
PLEASE MR ANGRY GIVE ME A CHANCE TO BE A MEMBER OF THE CULT.
Consider yourself in 🙂