Cow-orkers don’t have non-stick faces

Have you ever noticed how people who offer unsolicited advice have trouble backing down?  Telling someone you don’t want their input usually won’t shut them up.  Bizarrely, these type of people tend to go on for longer the more you make it clear you want them to shut the fuck up.  The Cult of Angry shall make these people slaves.

One of the simple pleasures in my life is toasted sandwiches.  Any sandwich tastes twice as good toasted.  A little qualification for this statement: any sandwich I like tastes twice as good toasted.  If you can come up with a sandwich that would be gross if toasted trust me, I already thought the sandwich was gross.

These two points are linked by the (mis)adventure I had at lunch today.  I was toasting my lunchtime sandwich when disaster struck.  My sandwich stuck to the sandwich press!  I’d had to move departments recently and the sandwich press in this department’s kitchen has lost all of its non-stick qualities.

So I’m gently trying to prize my bread from the surface without totally destroying the sandwich when some intrusive know-it-all feels compelled to pipe up:

“You shouldn’t use a knife on it like that, you’ll damage the surface.”

“The surface is already completely ruined, that’s why my sandwich is stuck.”

“But you’ll scrape the surface.”

“I’m not scraping the surface, I’m scraping the bread.  I don’t want any of the surface attached to my sandwich.”

“But that knife will damage the coating.”

“I told you, there is no coating.  This thing has lost all of its non-stick qualities.”

“But you’re not supposed to scrape the surface.”

“Do you have any brilliant ideas on how to get my sandwich out?  Any alternatives at all?”  This was the first time the fuckwit actually paused.  The time I ask them to say something is the only time they’re silent.  “I’m doing the only thing possible to get my sandwich out.”

“But you can’t use a knife on the surface like that.”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  WHAT PART OF ‘THERE IS NO OTHER FUCKING WAY’ DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND?”

“But the knife… the surface… the scraping.”

On an unrelated note, through scientific experimentation I now know how long it takes for someone to stop screaming after you jam their face into a hot sandwich press.

12 Comments

Filed under Work

12 responses to “Cow-orkers don’t have non-stick faces

  1. Will

    I can always tell its going to be a good post when the first couple of paragraphs has something like “One of the simple pleasures in my life is toasted sandwiches”!

    I think you need a new category, instead of ‘Work’, try ‘Toasted Sandwiches’!

    For a while I was using aluminum foil on our sandwich toaster (I too am a fan of the toasted sandwich), and when I retrieved my sandwiches, the foil has this layer of grease on the outside…eww…

  2. Vladimir

    >“You shouldn’t use a knife on it like that, you’ll damage the surface.”
    Some other day you may want to try something like “Yes, you’re absolutely right, I’ll stop as soon as possible, thank you.”, while cheerfully continuing with the scraping.

  3. DOA

    you shouldn’t do that, it’ll ruin the surface

  4. shadowshian

    i think ill peolly keep making my own rye bread and cold smoked reindeer sandwiches my self since those are too expensive and wayy too tasty to let someone else fuck up

  5. Was the “Cow-orker” in the title a freudian slip?

  6. Bizarro

    Next time leave the sandwich a little longer in the toaster. If you overtoast a little, they not only won’t stick but might taste three or four times better.

    And you wouldn’t damage the toaster surface you sociopath!

  7. Hilarious! Quite the visual! If it was a -he- cow-worker, I would have frickaseed his willy. Toast THAT, shit-head!

  8. Mmmm……. toasted sammichs!! Nothing better than an Elvis special. Bannana and peanut butter, toasted! Yummy!

    (sigh) Mr. Angry….if you thought the sammich press didn’t work well before…well you’ve really fucked it up now by toasting your cow-worker. Turns out, roasted human flesh is a real bitch to scrape off a non-non-stick surface! (don’t ask how I know this and I won’t tell……. but it involves some lotion and a bucket…. heh..heh..heh..) 🙂

  9. Will: I think you’re right. Toasted sandwiches seems to be a whole sub-genre for me.

    Vlad: Sounds like a good approach

    DOA: Turns out it did.

    Shadow: I’m with you

    Kim: it’s an old and not particularly original slur for people you don’t like working with. And maybe cows. I think I first saw in an email newsletter from Dilbert creator Scott Adams.

    Bizarro: I might try that

    Simonne: If he had his willy out I would not have hestitated to toast it!

    CinnKitty: I have a service request in to remove the stuck cow-orker bits

  10. Well I usually butter the insides of the press really well and mine comes off clean.

    but really…. you shouldn’t do that, it’ll ruin the surface.

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