Have you ever noticed how people who offer unsolicited advice have trouble backing down? Telling someone you don’t want their input usually won’t shut them up. Bizarrely, these type of people tend to go on for longer the more you make it clear you want them to shut the fuck up. The Cult of Angry shall make these people slaves.
One of the simple pleasures in my life is toasted sandwiches. Any sandwich tastes twice as good toasted. A little qualification for this statement: any sandwich I like tastes twice as good toasted. If you can come up with a sandwich that would be gross if toasted trust me, I already thought the sandwich was gross.
These two points are linked by the (mis)adventure I had at lunch today. I was toasting my lunchtime sandwich when disaster struck. My sandwich stuck to the sandwich press! I’d had to move departments recently and the sandwich press in this department’s kitchen has lost all of its non-stick qualities.
So I’m gently trying to prize my bread from the surface without totally destroying the sandwich when some intrusive know-it-all feels compelled to pipe up:
“You shouldn’t use a knife on it like that, you’ll damage the surface.”
“The surface is already completely ruined, that’s why my sandwich is stuck.”
“But you’ll scrape the surface.”
“I’m not scraping the surface, I’m scraping the bread. I don’t want any of the surface attached to my sandwich.”
“But that knife will damage the coating.”
“I told you, there is no coating. This thing has lost all of its non-stick qualities.”
“But you’re not supposed to scrape the surface.”
“Do you have any brilliant ideas on how to get my sandwich out? Any alternatives at all?” This was the first time the fuckwit actually paused. The time I ask them to say something is the only time they’re silent. “I’m doing the only thing possible to get my sandwich out.”
“But you can’t use a knife on the surface like that.”
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE! WHAT PART OF ‘THERE IS NO OTHER FUCKING WAY’ DO YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND?”
“But the knife… the surface… the scraping.”
On an unrelated note, through scientific experimentation I now know how long it takes for someone to stop screaming after you jam their face into a hot sandwich press.