Mall cops are funny

 I went out to a nearby mall to grab some lunch and I had to laugh at the security guy I saw there.  He was young (probably under 25) and, quite frankly, stupid looking.  He’d bought every bit of kit he could think of.  He had a walkie-talkie, a big torch, a truncheon and he’d even gone and got an earpiece with a springy cord trailing out of it.  The dork even had a military style buzzcut.
 
Some people might have expected him to go for the wanker gadget du jour – the Bluetooth earpiece.  But you’d be missing the point.  You see, all the CIA spooks in the movies have these spingy cables coming out of their ears.  Bluetooth is for civilians. 

What does the jerk think he needs his hands free for anyway?  The CIA and Secret Service need it to deal with potentially lethal threats.  This bloke’s biggest problem seem to be the way he was utterly failing to chat up the teenage shop assistant.
 
I feel sure that this idiot gets a semi-erection every morning when he looks at himself in the mirror wearing his pseudo-military outfit.  “Yeah,” he thinks, “I totally look like that Jack Bauer bloke what’s on the telly.”  Face it dickhead, if you’re under 30 and working as a security guard that pretty much means you’re too fucked up to make it as a soldier or a cop.
 
On top of everything else, in Australia a mall cop has all the authority of a school crossing guard.  I’ve heard some outrageous stories from the US about mall cop excesses.  You’d be in jail in five seconds flat if you tried that shit here. 
 
He reminded me of the security guards I used to see on the streets back where I used to live, except they were way more serious.  I was in the eastern suburbs of Melboure, the area John Safran called “Jewtown“.  There was a major synagogue on the same block as me and they had security up and down the street.  This crew were in full spook mode: black suits, white shirt, earpieces and talking into their sleeves. 
 
I often wanted to ask them if they were responding to a specific threat or if they were generally cautious.  But they scared me.  I’m pretty sure they were packing heat.  I used to call them “Jews on Patrol”.  But not to their faces. 
 
They were actually one of the reasons I used to laugh when self-proclaimed nazis said they were going to come and get me because of something I’d written in a post or said in a video.  Showing up in my neighbourhood ranting about “killing the jew-lover” would be a shortcut to getting shot.

8 Comments

Filed under General Angriness

8 responses to “Mall cops are funny

  1. Vladimir

    > This bloke’s biggest problem seem to be the way he was utterly failing to chat up the teenage shop assistant.

    He may need his hands for gesticulation or who-knows-what…

  2. oneandonlyhypnos

    It is well known that chatting up shop assistants is very difficult. You get a lot of competition from housemaids, homeworking moms and seniors…

    By the way: I like your youtube videos. Very funny!

  3. I hate to tell you this Mr. Angry, but had someone tried to come down there and killed you, the “Jews on Patrol” wouldn’t have helped you.

    See, it just so happens they had bigger fish to fry and saving your little non-Jew ass would have blown their cover for sure.

    I have it on good authority that that section of “JewTown” was dedicated to the complete and utter destruction / take down of one “Mr. Mel Gibson.” Yep…it’s true…

    I bet you had no idea that the lyrics to “Yentl” are actually specially encoded instructions on Mel Gibson’s inner most demons and how to trigger the secret “words” that will cause him to go off on drunken binges in Hollywood. ;p (heh…heh…now *THAT* is some conspiracy theory shit for ya!!)

  4. ““I totally look like that Jack Bauer bloke what’s on the telly.” ”

    Hilarious!

  5. Showing up in my neighbourhood ranting about “killing the jew-lover” would be a shortcut to getting shot.

    As well it should be. 😀 I’m not a violent person, and I don’t hate any particular group of people — but I absolutely cannot fucking STAND neo-nazi assholes.

  6. Vlad: I think his hands will be very busy when he’s alone later

    hypnos: glad you like the vids too!

    CinnKitty: I don’t think they would have shot them to protect me – I think they would have done it for fun.

    tt: I really think that was his motivation

    Griffin: I am absolutely with you on this. But then again, according to the neo-nazis I’m a gay black asian lebanese jew.

  7. Kittenish

    This post was really really amusing!

    Your comment about the guy getting a pseudo-erection reminds me of a quote from the guys in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour about bouncers who get together to talk about bouncing, then go home to watch Roadhouse and fondle themselves…

  8. Yes, the mindset of these types troubles me a bit.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s