Monthly Archives: September 2007

As One Sydney YouTube gathering November 24th

Well, when we announced the As One Melbourne gathering for YouTube users, viewers, aficionados and people who just wanted to look at the freakshow, a common reaction was “Why not in Sydney?”  Simple really, we don’t live in Sydney.  This sort of thing is hard enough to organise where you live.  Trying to set something up in a city 900km away is bloody impossible.

So we put the call out: does anyone in Sydney want to step up and organise a gathering?  And Sydney came through!

Me, I’m doing a road trip.  The East coast may not survive.


Filed under Video Blogging, YouTube

Unnecessary instructions

I believe I’ve made my views known before regarding people with OCD-like tendencies about cleanliness.  The short version is: they’re freaks.  The slightly longer version is you can be arguably correct about a topic (e.g. many surfaces are covered in germs) and still be a weirdo freak about it.

I bring this up because someone at work has seen fit to put up a sign in the toilets about washing your hands.  To call the instructions “a little elaborate” is on par with calling the ocean “a little bit wet”.  I could understand having detailed hand-washing instructions at a “special needs” school but do adults really need six illustrations to show them how to do it?

I think I know who put the sign there.  I suspect it’s the guy who not only obsessively washes his hands (I usually see him doing it about eight times a day) but who actually wears gloves all day so his skin doesn’t touch any surfaces.  Besides having six illustrations showing you how to complete such onerous tasks as put water on your hands, the sign also has these suggestions of when to wash your hands:

Before eating

I know this one gets mentioned pretty widely but I honestly never do this unless my hands are actually dirty.  And by dirty I mean “have dirt on them” rather than being covered in untold legions of invisible microbes.  I wash my hands before preparing food but not before eating it.

After going to the toilet.  Some people wash their hands both before and after.

Yes.  Those people are called freaks.

After touching dirt or any other substance.

What the fuck does this even mean?  Isn’t everything a “substance”?  When I see Mr OCD washing his hands continually it leads me to believe he takes this quite literally.

After coming into contact with any surface that might have germs.

Ha!  That’s open slather for the OCD crew!  EVERYTHING has germs on it, just ask them.  And yes, you could test swabs from pretty much any non-sterile environment and they would reveal germs.  But so fucking what?  Humanity has survived for millennia without bathing everything in antiseptic.  Besides which, there are studies suggesting that this explosion of anti-bacterial cleansing is doing nothing more than breeding super bugs.

I’m tempted to let things run their course and eventually have the anti-germ nazis killed by their own obsessions.  But the bastards are taking us with them.  I say, purely in the name of self-preservation, we kill all the clean freaks.

It’s us or them.


Filed under General Angriness

Fun ways to break a drought

Things are looking pretty shit in Australia, drought-wise.  We’re supposed to get most of our rain in Spring (which is now).  It didn’t happen at all last year and it’s looking disturbingly like it isn’t going to happen this year.  Most of the country has been facing drought conditions for more than 10 years now making it the worst drought on record.  With no Spring rain things would move way beyond critical.

Right now it seems the most moisture on farmlands is coming from farmers cutting their wrists.  The current dire situation has made it clear sitting around waiting for it to rain is not a viable solution.  It would be nice if some action had been taken BEFORE things got critical but some people apparently need to be kicked in the balls repeatedly until they get the point.  Steps like essentially re-routing rivers, desalination plants and the politically unpalatable option of water recycling are underway now.

People’s reaction to recycled water confounds me.  They let their psychological problems with the concept (we’re essentially taking about treated sewage) trump the fact that they’ll have no fucking water without it.  The water treatment facilities used in recycling mean the water they produce is as clean as, as safe as and tastes the same as water that comes straight from a reservoir.  I can’t help thinking that people who can’t get past the mental image of this being poopy water deserve to die of thirst.

So there are a few ideas being followed to at least alleviate drought conditions.  But after reading a story about China’s efforts to deal with their own drought problems, I think Australia is on the wrong track.  Sure, China is building massive reservoirs and following other traditional approaches.  But they’re also firing Big Fucking Guns.  They have been aggressively pursuing cloud seeding for years by (among other things) firing artillery shells into clouds.

For any female readers who don’t get why this is so cool, it’s a guy thing.  Big guns that make loud bangs are cool.  I suspect being a farmer in an impoverished, drought stricken rural area of China is pretty damn hard.  But hey, they’re being given rocket launchers and anti-aircraft guns to fire into the sky.

I think the Chinese authorities are on a huge winner here.  First, it might actually work.  Second, even if it doesn’t work, the farmers will be having so much fun firing the big guns they won’t mind so much.  Actually, maybe too much fun.  I can imagine a situation where after a lot of rain someone from the Party comes to check on the crops and find nothing was ever planted.  When the Party official confronts the farmer he gets a blank look and the farmer says:

“I’m a what now?  A farmer?  Oh wow, sorry, I totally spaced on the whole farming thing.  Firing this Big Fucking Gun is so cool I forgot I was meant to be doing anything else.”


Filed under General Angriness

Ways you can tell I’m leaving my current job #1

In a meeting discussing some technical issues about database integration one cow-orker said to another cow-orker:

“You’re trying to force things into the back end.”

I couldn’t resist and responded:

“That’s what your mum said,” and burst out laughing.


Filed under Work

Memo to a filthy beast

I’m really glad nobody at work reads my blog.  Even if I managed to avoid getting fired for it, nobody would talk to me for fear of appearing in a blog post.  If my blog was circulated around work, I’d particularly like it to reach a particular individual whose identity I don’t know.  I’ll explain in the form of an office memo.

MEMO TO: The filthy fucking beast who had a shit explosion in the middle toilet cubicle

FROM: All the decent humans in this workplace

RE: Well, the “TO” line pretty much says it all


Hello.  You disgusting fucking animal.  So it seems you have a case of explosive diarrhoea.  I don’t hold this against you.  We’ve all had unhappy visits to Arse Explosion Town.  But why in the hell would you not clean up after yourself?

I’m not saying you have to clean every skid mark off the bowl every time.  But is it too much to ask that you don’t leave liquefied shit sprayed all over the place?  It is simply impossible that you did not realise this had happened.  I am not a forensic specialist but the spectacular spray patterns speak to a particularly forceful bowel eruption.  There’s no way you didn’t feel it.

It is among the less pleasant experiences a human can suffer to walk into a toilet cubicle and be confronted with such a mess.  It’s bad enough when this shit happens in a public toilet but at work?  We’re supposed to be professionals.  We’re supposed to be adults.  We’re supposed to be fucking human ferchrissake!  Last I looked there were no shit-slinging howler monkeys employed here.

I’m guessing that you saw the unholy fecal fresco you created and thought “That’s gross, I’m not going near that.”  Poor, sensitive you.  How the fuck do you think I felt when it confronted me?  The level of contempt this action displays for your co-workers leads me to suspect you’re the same prick that stole my piece of chocolate cake out of the fridge. 

I can almost see how that played out too.  You saw it and wondered whose it was.  You may have even asked a few people if it was theirs.  When nobody claimed it you decided you would eat it.  Because you didn’t know who owned it.  Well you knew fucking well you didn’t own the fucking cake didn’t you, you thieving fucking bastard!

Anyway, in summary: you’re a disgusting vile animal.  I hope you stay anonymous because I’m not sure I could resist punching you in the face if I knew who you were.  Oh, and I cleaned you mess up.  You know how?  There was a scrubbing brush, right there in the cubicle.  You might try learning how to use one someday.


Filed under Work

World Record Group LiveBlogging – December 1st

So another brainwave from SeanBedlam for the Melbourne As One YouTube gathering is aiming for a world record for the largest number of people liveblogging from the same event.  There is some finetuning to be done, like defining how to measure the record.  I’ve never heard of anyone claiming this record before so I think we have a bit of leeway.

My biggest concern is not with the record but with Sean’s insistence on referring to video blogging as vlogging.  Attentive long-term readers/video viewers will know that I prefer the term yologging for reasons that are to obvious to require repeating here.  Although I will explain it in the following video.

A bit of background for the video.  The key organisers of the Melbourne As One gathering are Sean, Adrian Calear and me.  We decided to record some of our planning sessions for posterity.  Because the future will want to see our genius at work.  The framing and sound in this video are kind of crap but I think it’s worth watching.  And even though we play up to the camera occasionally, none of this is scripted.

You see the sort of disrespect I have to put up with?


Filed under Blogging, Video Blogging, YouTube

Australian YouTube Gathering – As One Melbourne December 1st

So I can finally go public with my other big news.  Along with notorious YouTuber SeanBedlam (AKA Sean Burke) and my good friend Adrian Calear, I have been involved in organising the first big YouTube gathering in Australia.  We are having a gathering in Melbourne on Saturday, December 1st.

Our original plan (and the one I still want to happen) was to have a gathering in Sydney on the previous weekend.  This was mainly so we could have a road trip between the two gatherings.  The problem has been that we couldn’t find someone on the ground in Sydney to commit to organise things.  But it isn’t too late!  Anyone who lives in Sydney who fancies themselves as an organiser should contact us and we’ll do everything we can to support an event in Sydney.

The gathering in Melbourne will be at Federation Square, right next to Flinders Street Station in the city.  This is going to be far more than a bunch of people gathering in the same place to meet each other (although that alone would be good).  We’re partnering with the people who run Fed Square and the Australian Centre for the Moving Image (ACMI – which is right in Fed Square) to make it a great event.  There are some fantastic facilities at Federation Square and ACMI and I’m looking forward to showing some of them off in the lead-up.

It looks like the launch has gone off with a bang on YouTube with one of the highest profile Australians on YouTube, Blunty3000, putting up a video celebrating us finally having a gathering in Australia.

Cory Williams (AKA MR Safety of SMP Films) will also be helping promote the event.  Cory ran the first successful large scale YouTube gatherings in Hollywood and San Francisco under the banner “As One”.  The San Francisco As One gathering in particular has been described by attendees as “life changing”.  So with Cory’s help (and hopefully the whole YouTube community’s help) As One Melbourne will be even better.  Cosmos changing maybe.

Anyway, here’s my launch video:

And here’s Cory’s As One videos from Hollywood:

And San Francisco:


Filed under Blogging, Video Blogging, YouTube