I’m in a mood

And when I’m in a mood I like to vent.  A little while ago I posted a collection of “intellectual” insults under the title “When insults had class”.  I saw the collection on a mailing list for graduates of my old college but versions of it have been circulating for years.

It really struck a chord with me when I saw it – I have been subjected to a barrage of brain-dead insults over the past 18 months (the life of this blog) so remembering that there have actually been people in the past who have taken time to craft a well-thought out articulate insult, well, that makes me nostalgic.

It seems I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.  Despite the fact that post was nothing more than a widely circulated list of quotes, it was the second most popular thing I’ve posted here.  Right after the one about pooping your pants.  So I have the measure of the internet – it’s all about insults and poop.  Which plays to my strengths.

While I was greatly enamoured of the classy insults (they’re a great change from “you suck!”) there really are some people who  don’t deserve that much effort.  The world in general and the internet in particular is riddled with people who just need to be told to fuck off.  I got going  on this train of thought the other day when some moron swanned through and left an absurdly stupid comment about me not being funny.  I’m more than OK with someone doesn’t like my approach but it helps if they express this in a less than moronic way.

Plus, this moron made the mistake of saying “no offence, but…” then following up with something incredibly offensive.  By all means, say something offensive to me but if you value your safety don’t preface it around me with “no offense, but…”  That sort of fucked up behaviour will earn you a smack upside your head if I get my way. If you’re going to be offensive, commit to it.

It’s like some of the morons I have to put up with on YouTube.  The most pathetic idiots crop up on my anti-racist and anti-nazi videos.  It’s bad enough that the world has so many people who are pathetic enough to self-identify as a nazi but even these dicks can’t seem to commit to an insult.  You’d think if you were confessing to jacking off to mental images of Hitler in the nude you’d have the force of will to give a wholehearted insult.  But a bizarre number of these dweebs punctuate their pathetic attempts at insults (usually some variation of “jew” or “fag”) with “LOL” or something equally insipid.

Seriously, are these guys the new stormtroopers of the white race or giggling teenage girls?

So anyway, I’ve been feeling motivated.  Motivated to find the best way to tell someone to fuck off.  To that end, I’ve been searching for quotes that feature graphic swearing.  I’ve spent a couple of days picking them up from all over the place (which should shut up the fucking morons who went on about me “stealing” the other list – it’s kind of necessary with quotes for them to have been published somewhere else before).

Most of them are movie quotes although there are a few corkers from real world people.  Because some of the real world ones are controversial to say the least I’ve made sure to source all of them.  Of course the sources might be lying but I can’t really control that.  Speaking of movie quotes, I have a question on a matter of style.  Say I was quoting the Tony Montana character in Scarface played by Al Pacino.  Should the quote read:

“Say hello to my little friend.” – Tony Montana (Al Pacino) in Scarface


“Say hello to my little friend.” – Al Pacino (as Tony Montana) in Scarface

Oh, and I know that the quote is technically from the writer, not the actor who reads it but don’t get pedantic.  I’ll be posting this collection in the next day or so, if you have some favourite swearing quotes of your own, feel free to lob them my way in the meantime.



Filed under General Angriness

15 responses to “I’m in a mood

  1. Jonas

    I’d say that the character should be considered the “source” (with the actor a secondary information item) as it’s in his/her context the line was spoken.

  2. it’s kind of necessary with quotes for them to have been published somewhere else before


    that should be part of the necessary curriculum before being allowed on line.

    (where is a lobbyist when you need one – because there really should be some sort of test to pass before being let loose in the worldwideweird)

    but on to my all time favorite insult/quote/fuckoff remarks (born of my love of the english language, and more to the point, my loathing of folk who use expletives and think thereby that they have said something sensible or even intelligent)

    insult number 1:

    may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your groin

    i don’t think that is original to me, but damn if i can remember where i got it from.

    i’ve been using it since the eighties

    i find a phrase, nicely aimed and timed, will stop an expleter (one who favors bald expletives) in his tracks just in sheer confusion over being given an insult he actually has to think about.

    another quote thing i use frequently (and i think this is original to me, though i may not be the only originator) is this one:

    so . . . were you born a bitch? or have you been practicing?

    dick may be substituted for bitch as gender needs dictate. likewise ass or any other applicable colorful descriptor

    cant wait to see the full list

  3. Blatant insults are all well and good, but what seems to upset people the most is when you tell them, “Read my mind.” For some reason, when given that option they choose to fill in the blank with the filthiest most insulting thing they can think of. Much more filthy and insulting than I would have come up with. It’s a curious situation, but it seems to hit them where it hurts.

  4. I’m going to go with the Character being the source, rather than the actor, simply because movie phrases are relevant and meaningful only within the context of the situation and in relation to the character portrayed in the movie.

    I.E. Tony Montana is a total badass. Al Pacino just plays him on TV…

  5. I wish I could take credit for it, but a friend of mine “gave” me the lovely phrase “Southern Fried Bitches” to describe the so-called, genteel women of the South who have done nothing but try to make my life a living hell for the last 7 years.

    Oh.. that woman who “gave” me the phrase… is a Southern woman… born and bred. 😉

  6. I was about 16, and was talking with a mate about Midnight Oil, and in particular, the lead singer (and I use the term loosely).

    Peter Garrett’s dancing style (?) came up in the conversation, and my friend told me “He is about as co-ordinated as a spastic in a tumble-dryer”.

    I gave myself a migraine from laughing so much….

  7. E0157H7

    I’m fond of “I’m going to kick your eyes out and piss on your living goddam brain,” which is mine.

    “I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!”
    -Sgt. Lee Ermey, Full Metal Jacket. (I’m pretty sure Ermey wrote or improvised most of his lines.)

    “You miserable toad-screwing shit-sucking father-raping grand-mother’s corpse fucking ass-tick infested monkey-come drinking…”
    -Warren Ellis, Transmetropolitan, Back on the Street.

  8. GUI Junkie

    A boss to a female cow orker: ‘you’re not even a decent fuck’. Apparently she had made a mistake.

  9. Track down a copy of the south park movie script, includes such classics as “donkey-raping shit-eater.”

    I think the first (character as source, actor in parentheses) quotation style makes more sense. It’s the character speaking in the context of the film, so the quote should be attributed to them. The second style would be suitable if it was a comedian “doing a character”, as it’s really the comedian speaking, albeit with their personality filtered by a persona.

  10. DOA

    An invitation to submit insults. Can you say third most viewed post? 🙂
    Anyway since my favorite insults don’t translate into english very well, I’ll have to go for a more mellow but interesting line from Family Guy… “Go suck a railroad spike!”

  11. Jonas: thanks for the input

    brahnamin: I’d love it if people were forced to pass an intelligence test before going online. Nice insults too!

    Buck: Nice, it’s like they are their own worst critic

    phyre: thanks. And you’re right – Tony Montana is timeless while Al Pacino got old

    cinnkitty: that’s a killer line

    gruntski: Yeah, Garrett’s “dancing” was a unique contribution to Australian music

    E0157H7: There’s some of Lee Ermey’s lines in the collection. In fact, he has so many good lines in the movie it was hard to resist dedicating the whole post to him

    GUI: Sounds like a visit to HR for sensitivity training is in order

    Massif: That script is indeed a mother lode of quality swearing – it was hard to limit myself to one there as well

    DOA: People seem to like insults 🙂

  12. wisdumb

    I can’t remember his full name, but the character Brendel (as played by Jeff Goldblum) in The Fly:
    Geena Davis (don’t know her character name) as Jeff what he is thinking after he turns his chimp inside out [because the future audience will want to know].
    His reply, “Fuck! Fuck is what I’m thinking”

    Please verify the quote because I am doing this all from memory.

  13. GUI Junkie

    Star Trek:
    Scotty: All systems automated and ready. A chimpanzee and two trainees could run her.
    Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott. I’ll try not to take that personally.

    My mother insulted my wife once saying a chimpanzee could do … whatever my wife couldn’t.

    Just a personal note.

  14. wisdumb: thanks for the submission 🙂

    GUI: Chimpanzees are a common reference point for insults

  15. best insult evar –
    i was like 16 [which of course means i was a total d!ck].

    i forget what choice nugget i said to my mother, but her immediate response was, *you son of a bitch*

    which stopped me dead for the time it took to blink at her and then i was rolling on the floor laughing my @ss off

    as a side note, polish women kick VERY hard

    runner up was the time she called me a bastard and i shot back *i wouldn’t know, i wasn’t there*

    which unfortunate reply led to the immediate understanding that polish women also slap very hard

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