Think ahead

As part of my preparation for going to be interviewed in LA, I’ve been working with a director to practice responding to questions.  I’ve mentioned the director before, his name is Adrian Calear.  I went to college with him and these days he’s a respected director in the Melbourne comedy scene.  My thinking is, chances like this don’t come along very often so I really don’t want to fuck this one up.  If I do well in this, who knows what other doors might open.

One of the things Adrian has been teaching me is how to structure my responses.  Start with something concise that can fit into ten seconds but be thinking two sentences ahead in case the interviewer asks you to elaborate.  While the skills I’ve been learning will be directly useful beyond this TV interview (I have to start going to job interviews again soon) there’s a lot of areas where it would be indirectly useful too.

This was actually brought into focus for me as I was driving home.  There are a significant number of drivers on Melbourne roads who are only alive because they haven’t run into another driver (literally) who’s as stupid as them.  These are morons who seem incapable of reacting to what’s directly in front of them.  Hoping that they learn the ability to plan for what’s ahead is a long shot to say the least.

You end up stuck behind these cretins when they slam on the brakes as they reach a green light because they suddenly remember they wanted to turn at this intersection.  They come out of side streets without slowing down and just maybe think about looking for oncoming traffic after they’ve already cut you off.  These are the people that I use to justify my car-mounted machine guns.

The biggest concern with these morons is that their idiocy is life threatening when they get behind the wheel.  But sometimes they’re just plain fucking annoying.  The particular brand of genius I was subjected to on this drive was when there were two turning lanes at an intersection they get in the wrong one.

I’m talking about the sort of intersection where there are two lanes for turning right.  If you’re going straight once you turn the corner it doesn’t matter which lane you’re in.  But if you’re going to turn left STRAIGHT AFTER the intersection, then common sense dictates you get in the left lane.  Sadly, common sense doesn’t seem to be one of the core requisites for getting a driver’s license.  Because there are far too many morons who clearly think “hey, I’m in the wrong lane, but what could possibly go wrong with sailing across a few lanes of traffic without indicating?  Because after all, my convenience far outweighs little things like the safety of other people.”

I wouldn’t have believed I could have morons inflict this on me three times in one drive but that’s what happened.  I guess they were very excited at this weeks’ meeting of “Morons United” when the chief moron explained this brand new way to fuck people up.

Worse still, these idiots cop an attitude when you dare point out their stupidity.  It drives me crazy when they flail their arms about pulling “what’s your problem” faces.  You’re my fucking problem, dickhead.  Well, I’ll fix them with my new invention: chainsaws mounted on extendable arms at the front of my car.  Let them stare at the bloody stumps where their flailing arms used to be until they get the message.



Filed under Driving

5 responses to “Think ahead

  1. They let you mount machine guns on your car!?! Man, you are so lucky!

    If I had my way, I’d have an M249 Squad Assault Weapon mounted on a remotely controlled turret on the roof of my vehicle.

    But they are so uptight here in the US, if I were to so much as take my Deagle out of the glove compartment, I’m pulled over, and surrounded by 6 squad cars and 12 officers, weapons drawn, in a matter of minutes.

    Meanwhile the moron who just cut across 4 lanes of highway traffic to make a novel “no signal” exit gets off scot free. And yet, somehow I’d be cited as a grave danger to other motorists…

  2. Daniel Granstrom

    I work more like this now. About as patient as you get when you’re mentally hospitalized against your will, perhaps?

    Yes. Yes, I am. Sorry about that. Kind of ruins my web work. Or sort of. Yeah. Later. Promise.

  3. moralkiosk

    this is for your consideration.
    it’s a start…

    good luck in l.a.!

  4. What you need is a carpoon.

    (Seriously… is it genuinely called a carpoon? That’s the dumbest name in the history of naming anything anywhere.)

  5. DOA

    Thankfully we don’t get many of those here. Drivers in this country tend to be somewhat vocal so you’re guaranteed to get an earful if you try something incredibly stupid.
    My particular problem is slow drivers. Grandparents that don’t realize you shouldn’t do 60kph in the fast lane. Truckers that block the middle lane instead of driving in the right lane, because the right lane is for slow vehicles like buses and uhm… trucks. The list goes on.
    I don’t need anything exotic, I feel that a reinforced front bumper would be quite sufficient.

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