Dentistry is gross

I have no idea why someone would choose to be a dentist. Spend your day digging through people’s gross, festering mouths seems like an appalling way to spend your time to me. Okay, I know why they do it – the money. But the are a metric shitload of ways to earn far more money that are far less gross.
Whenever someone wants to make fun about someone’s choice of specialisation they always pick on proctologists. What sort of freak would choose to be an arse doctor? Well at least a proctologist expects an arse to be stinky. How many aspiring podiatrists really know how disgusting, fungus-y and diseased a foot can get? And how many student dentists are truly prepared for the vile and corpse-like stench that a human mouth can emit?
I state all this as a kind of apology to my dentist. I have a bit of an issue with gum disease which results in a fair bit of grossness mouth-wise. So when I go in for a serious cleaning (like this morning) it’s a fairly arduous process that involves much scraping, gouging, anaesthetic and blood. The hygeinist’s own words as she wiped my mouth at the end was I looked like something out of a horror movie.
An yes, I said I get anaesthetic when I’m having tartar scraped out of my gums. For anyone who thinks that makes me a wuss – you’re absolutely right. I think there’s a note on my file there that says “This bloke is a total nancy-boy, dose him up with massive amounts drugs to shut him up.” I think that note is there because I asked them to do it.
I don’t like pain.
And I have a major aversion to going to the dentist. This is the product of the childhood dentist I was subjected to. The guy was a fucking sadist. Or maybe just some random madman who claimed to be a dentist. I grew up in a small town where there people were easily fooled. When I needed filling this fucking bastard would drill without using any anaesthetic. No matter how much I screamed.
He would even do this shitty thing where he’d pretend the drill wasn’t going to hurt. Like saying it was going to make the agonising pain not happen. When this cunning plain completely failed to work the fault was all placed on me. His evidence was that it wouldn’t hurt was that he’d show how it shot a jet of water and say that was all it did. A jet of water! How could that hurt?
To which I desperately wanted to reply: “What about the sharp metal spinny bit that will soon be gouging holes in my non-numbed tooth? Why the fuck isn’t your finger touching that? Let me hold the fucking drill for a while and go to work on you, motherfucker! Let’s see if you still claim ‘it’s only water’ after I’ve had my turn!”
But I was a kid and he was an authority figure. So the bastard put me through excruciating pain and scarred me mentally because there was nobody to stop him. Motherfucker. Once I was an adult I probably didn’t go to the dentist for ten years. Which is not a good idea. When I finally went (triggered by a tooth essentially disintegrating) the dentist said the technical term for the condition of my teeth was “seriously fucked”.

So after some root canal and extraction of the worst teeth things were a bit better. Incidentally, although everyone talks about root canal like it’s the worst thing you can go through, it was a walk in the park compared to the shit I was put through as a kid. BECAUSE THEY GAVE ME DRUGS! The worst part was having to have my mouth open for so long.

Every dentist I’ve been to as an adult actually agrees that my childhood dentist was a bastard. And probably a sadist. And he clearly hated children. So I have discovered I wasn’t insane. I have also discovered I much prefer female dentists. Because when they really get to work they usually have to push their boobies against you. Which is a great distraction from the horror of having your mouth ripped apart.

I like boobies.



Filed under General Angriness

13 responses to “Dentistry is gross

  1. Your childhood dentist *WAS* a bastard. You have my deepest dental sympathies. I had to go just last week and it took all my ‘happy place thoughts’ to make it through–too many teeth for my ‘small mouth’ (dr’s words, but my friends dispute), ultra-sensitive teeth & gums, and very sensitive gag reflex. (Thankfully, the reflex rejects only dental implements. 😉 ) And don’t get me started on the only-dogs-should-hear-but-I-do frequencies of that drill. {{{shudder}}} My eyes just roll back in my head, which, I’m sure, MUST be an attractive sight. To make it even better, they’re upping my visits to every 3 months now instead of 6, and I have to have my wisdom teeth yanked. (I’m also supposed to do periodontal therapy, but I’m totally putting that off.)

  2. Sorry to hear that. I have some interesting memories of the dentist….

    1) I hated getting my teeth cleaned. To the point I needed to have Nitrous to simply sit in the chair for the cleaning. Well one time, I needed to have a cavity filled. They dropped me in the chair with some Nitrous. After about 10 minutes of pure heaven, they decided to ask me to move to another chair. The mind was willing… the legs were not.

    2) Our “family” dentist here is not-so-affectionately named “Dr. Hell.” I’ll let you draw your own conclusions as to why.

    3) Back in college, I decided to make a change in my oral hygiene practices. As it stands now, I usually floss twice a day and brush about 5 times a day. As a result… my visits to my new dentist are quite easy and pleasant.

  3. gruntski

    I’m very similar- I hate dentists, and it’s the fault of the dentist I went to as a kid- the last time I went to this dentist, he inserted the needle until it hit my jawbone (like, literally), and then started to wiggle it around whilst injecting me with drugs. Does anyone tell these fuckers the drugs need to be inserted *before* you feel no pain??? The next time I went to the dentist was when I had “bitten” three of my wisdom teeth into bits (I suffer from Bruxism- grinding of the teeth whilst sleeping) and as a result my teeth are “short”. When my wisdom teeth came through, they were sitting proud of the other teeth, and with the night-time grinding, they ended up as pivot points, holding all the pressure of my jaw muscles whilst I attempted to grind my teeth in my sleep. They effectively shattered, and then had to be removed. But that’s a whole nother story (Imagine some dentist dude literally kneeling on your chest to remove what’s left of your wisdom teeth, as other wise he’d have pulled my head clean off….)

  4. Lawrence

    ah yes, Boobies, the cure for everything.

    When i had hair, and went to the hairdresser on a regular basis, because work requires i have a neat and tidy appearance, i used to love when the female hairdressers got up close and personal, ah…….

    Maybe i should get a hair transplant, so i go to the hairdresser again…….hmmmmmmmm

  5. Zany Maiden

    *dies laughing* Ah, Dentist horror stories, gotta love it..or not..I tend to go with NOT.

  6. Rose

    I have a harelip, so I have several dentists and orthodontists and deformity-specialists who take it upon themselves to put me in my place. I had a dentist/surgeon who once said to me, “you know, you’re not so bad. Look at THESE people with the BILATERAL clefts!” Yeah, thanks for that, you fucking psychopath. I really trust you with all the sharp instruments and drugs at your disposal now.

    Little Shop of Horrors was probably based on a true story.

  7. Jules

    Thought you would see the humor in this…..

    My dad says he has a great sense of humor. He would have too with the name and the job.

    I hate the dentist. Before we moved last month, my denist was my next door neighbor. He was the best! I had a horrifing dental experience as a child. My 6 year molars came in crumbling. I had to spend hours as a young kid having them worked on trying to save them. When I was around 10 I had to have a root canal. The second visit the dentist refused to numb me. Needless to say, my parents never took me there again. Made me NEVER want to visit again.

  8. Drooldog

    BOOBIES! ( . Y . )

    I hate the dentist….They wanted to break my jaw and put screws in, then braces for 4-6 years. About a 40% success rate of pretty teeth. 80% that my teeth be messed up with massive gaps from expanded jaw. Fked up percents and they were pushing on to us this expensive jaw surgery I declined and walked out…

  9. Range: We all like boobies!

    Erin: your situation actually sounds a bit worse than mine.

    Qiranger: I haven’t had nitrous for ages! They give me needles.

    Gruntski: that was SO hard to read! Horror story after horror story.

    Lawrence: Boobies certainly work for me.

    Zany: it really is a terrible trauma

    Jules: Too bad his name is Donald and not Seymour 🙂

    Drooldog: Holy crap! That’s the worst suggestion I’ve EVER heard from a dentist!

  10. joyce

    Many Chinese students studying abroad wait until they return to China for the summer before visiting the dentist. The reason for this is that dental work in China is generally much cheaper than it is in the west.

    Personally, I have been to the dentist many times since living in China and have had a few small cavities filled. To have a cavity filled at a Chinese hospital in Beijing costs about $10US, altogether. All I can say about the quality is that my family dentist in the US has looked at the fillings I had performed in China and said there was no problems with them that he could see and that they looked good.

    Most recently, I had a root canal performed. Compared to costs in the US, it was cheap, at about $300 altogether, including the root canal and a gold crown covered in white enamel. I had it performed at Beijing Number 3 Hospital, 北医三院, by a Chinese dentist who had studied dentistry for a while in Germany.

    Warning: this is not for the faint of heart. Dentists in China tend not to use anesthetic, and I can say, first hand, that a root canal without anesthetic is pretty damned painful. On the other hand, you can request anesthetic if you really want it.

    If you are planning a trip to China and also just happen to need a root canal done you could get the root canal done in your home country and then get the still expensive, but less important crown done in China. You could also save big on something minor, like a cavity. If you are brave and want to save this might just be a good solution for you.

  11. Vivianna

    WOW! I understand the horror of not getting numbed before going under the drill! I got seven shots one time and I STILL felt this D.D.S’s rooky drilling my poor tooth to death. I had to get up and leave. I found my angelic dentists after that and they NEVER put me through hell even though I had two ORAL SURGERIES WHILE BEING AWAKE! And they only put like 3 shots and I was fine. I had my mouth opened for 2 hours or so but I was fine. I love getting my teeth cleaned….it feels minty good! 😀 I should be a dentist and if I do become one, I promise to be sweet and gentle just like my current dentists. 🙂

  12. Thats to bad that you had a sadist for a childhood dentist but at least you are geting something done for you teeth now.

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