Sticky crotch

I haven’t railed angrily at any of life’s little injustices recently but holy fuck I’m angry right now!  I am a creature of habit with many things but particularly with food.  If I find something for lunch that I like I tend to get it reasonably often.  Knowing I’m going to enjoy food is more important to me than variety.

One of my favourite lunches near my current workplace is relatively simple.  It’s a wrap: marinated chicken cooked on a grill with bacon, cheese, pineapple and salad wrapped in toasted flat bread.  This was my lunch today.  It was a taste sensation as usual.  What wasn’t usual was when it dumped a load of food juices right in my crotch.  Gross, sticky and embarrassing.  Because it’s all over my fucking crotch.

I tell you, if I’m going to end up with sticky juices covering my crotch I want them to get there the fun way!

What really pisses me off is this only happened because they changed the fucking packaging!  Prior to today, the wraps always came in these touch paper bags.  The yummy fresh food and sauce alway runs out of the wrap because it’s hot.  This bag NEVER let the sauce escape – I guess it was treated somehow to not go soggy. 

Today the wrap comes with a continuous piece of paper wrapped around it.  This has two effects.  One, it’s harder to unwrap and get at my food.  Two, IT DUMPED THE FUCKING FOOD JUICES INTO MY FUCKING CROTCH!

I don’t want to hear that I should be more careful or eat it over a plate or any common sense shit like that!  I fucking hate it when somebody changes something that works as a cost cutting measure (probably) and introduces a fucking problem that didn’t exist before!  FUCK!

The one saving grace is I’m wearing dark pants (like I do 90% of the time at work) so I just spent a few minutes at the bathroom sink splashing water on my crotch trying to get the sticky stuff off.  I never thought I’d have to say that again.  Then I used the hand dryer to try and dry my pants (I learned through experience to not use paper towel – then your crotch is covered in white fluff).  So I’m essentially dry humping the hand dryer like Mr Bean and of course someone walked in.  I acted casual and pretended there was nothing wrong with my posture.

FUCK I am in a bad mood at the moment!



Filed under General Angriness

13 responses to “Sticky crotch

  1. Nat

    What’s the saying – if it’s not effing broken…???? It’s probably a bloody cost saving effort too – you should send the bastards your drycleaning bill…show them that it’s not worth the effort!


  2. There was nothing wrong with your posture. See, dry humping the hand dryer is better than walking around with a wet, sticky crotch covered in white fluff! It would have given the impression you were humping a chicken 😀

  3. I eat almost the exact same wrap at school, except ours has sweet chilli sauce and is a little different. The food juices usually get all over my hands, quite disgusting.

  4. Matt

    Next time you order (assuming there is a next time; I wouldn’t blame you if there wasn’t) pick up the wrap and hold it sideways over the counter so that the food juices leak out all over the counter. Hopefully the people serving aren’t too thick to realise why you did it.

  5. E1057H7

    You haven’t lived till you’ve had your pants (and therefore fun parts) drenched in (chilled) corn-syrup based soft drink. First, off, it sucks all your body heat out through your junk and thighs. Then the real fun begins. As it dries, it distills the corn syrup into a sticky concentrate that gets between the saturated fabric and your skin, causing the pants to limply cling to you. Finally, if it is a darkly-dyed soda like root beer or cola, it will stain the pants with a disturbing “I just messily crapped myself” tint.

  6. My heart goes out to you, truly that sucks. Didn’t stop me from laughing my arse off though!

    I want to see you tell this story on video!!!!!

  7. The yummy fresh food and sauce alway runs out of the wrap because it’s hot.

  8. And why don’t we have that on hidden cam? Never mind, you described that perfectly. Now I have visions of you and Mr Bean merged in my mind.

    Echoing Feiry’s comment, can you please simulate the experience on Video?

  9. One would think that the vendors of fast food, ie those that are designed to be eaten in a casual manner, without the benefit of things like tables, cutlery etc, would want that food to be packaged in a way that is convenient for that purpose. But, the problem with that is it makes too much sense, so as a result we get these anecdotes of Beanesque situations in bathrooms, which admittedly are quite amusing and wouldn’t have existed without said problem.. so I suppose there is a bright side 🙂

  10. Jackotobacco

    you dont change things on the angry aussie….YOU JUST DONT!!

  11. And why don’t we have that on hidden cam? Never mind, you described that perfectly. Now I have visions of you and Mr Bean merged in my mind.

    Echoing Feiry’s comment, can you please simulate the experience on Video?
    Ресур о рыбалке, насадках, наживках и других премудростях Блесенка.ру

  12. Zan

    I would be hot pissed too. Some stupid company trying to save cost at the expense of my crotch. You should inadvertatly throw it at them if it happens again.

  13. Maldris

    lol I’ve had one of those wraps too their great.

    I had a similar experience once at Wet and Wild (a water amusement park in Australia for those who don’t know) where during the lunch where we had a barbeque I got a massive amount of mustard fall out the back and land on my crotch and unlike you situation mustard does show up on dark boardies so I ended having to wait in line for half an hour with my friends (predominately female) with a large yellow stain on my crotch, not good.

    Then again your is worse as it arose from an error caused by another an mine was my own fault (didn’t pack enough paper towels and I just had to be the gentlemen, sigh)

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