Best Romney photo ever

When I saw this photo of Romney taken after a Presidential debate, I just couldn’t resist.

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Advice for Alan Jones

Quit.

Seriously, it’s your best option. Just quit. I say this not as a loony lefty who can’t take your unhinged, hateful ranting and thinks the media sphere would be measurably improved if your pollution was removed from it. Although to be fair, that does describe me accurately. It’s simply the best option you have. It’s clearly the right moral choice although I’m sure that you and your ever-dwindling number of supporters would never agree. But it’s also the right decision financially, politically and strategically. And if you do it right, you’ll be able to do a vaguely plausible impression of taking the moral high ground while securing your future rather than following your present path which will severely damage if not destroy your future.

Quitting makes financial sense because the value of your shareholding in 2GB is directly tied to advertising revenue and the loss of advertisers is going to continue to be a problem for as long as you are on air. The exact number and value of advertisers willing to associate with your radio show is going to fluctuate but the simple fact is you are going to lose money by staying on air. For all your delusions of importance your audience is small and getting smaller. Most advertisers have already realised that they have far more to lose than they have to gain by advertising on your show and that is not going to change.

While considering this, here’s an important fact that you shouldn’t lose sight of: you are in business. You are NOT in the business of “free speech”. You are not in the business of promoting a cause. You are in the business of selling advertising and you are no longer very good at that. And you never will be again. Your days of appealing to a mass audience are gone. But here’s the good news: the niche you appeal to you are more fiercely devoted to you than ever and quitting would only make them more rabidly fervent in their devotion. That’s why quitting makes strategic sense. As a radio personality, your peak passed more than a decade ago. Your decline can only be accelerated by internet activism and the splintering of the media landscape. Isn’t it disturbing to learn that thousands of voices are louder than one? Even when that one voice has a microphone and their own radio station.

The days of one-way communication are over and they aren’t coming back. It’s as simple as that. Embrace the change, don’t reject it. Sticking your fingers in your ears and going “lalalalalalala I can’t hear you” is not longer a viable strategy. Your broadcast career is in a decline you can’t turn around. Unless you suddenly produce a few truckloads of genuine humility (which you clearly don’t possess) your radio show will be permanently tainted by your vile slurs against the Prime Minister which was only compounded by your lies and obviously insincere “apology”. Your career is dead. So give it a Viking funeral. Burn it. Go out in a blaze of glory.

Don’t look at it as giving up, think of it as starting again. I mean, it is giving up but pretend it isn’t. Because you don’t have a choice. You’re beaten. Your only choice now is how long you drag it out. If I was really vindictive I’d tell you to fight on until the bitter end. Because if you do that, your end will be truly bitter. If you can’t bring yourself to accept that you’ve pushed things too far and your career as a shock jock is over, the humiliation you will suffer will be absolute. You will lose everything. You will become such a pariah, you won’t be able to show your face in public. Again, not an outcome that would trouble me. But I’m trying to help you here.

Obviously, you’re hardly going out on a high note if you quit now but I really don’t think you have that option left. What you can do now is set yourself up as the wounded party making the noble choice to step aside because of the brutal “cyberbullying” you’ve been subjected to. That rallies your supporters because you’re now the one who’s been wronged. You’ve been forced to walk away from the career you love because of these terrible bullies – forget that you said the vilest thing imaginable about the Prime Minister then gave an excuse that amounted to “I didn’t think anybody would find out I’d said it.” You’re the victim here.

You and I both know that for you to describe the campaign against your excesses as “bullying” in utterly farcical but the truth isn’t the issue here. Members of the public expressing their outrage at your behaviour pales in comparison to the thuggery you exhibit on an almost daily basis against defenceless and voiceless people on your radio show. You’ve never let the truth dictate what you’ve said before and now is not the time to start. Cyber bullying is the buzzword of the day in media circles as you well know. You’ve been throwing it about non-stop painting yourself as chief victim. That is going to blow up in your face the next time you go on one of your bullying rampages. You and I both know this is inevitable – it’s who you are: a pathetic, bloviating bully with very poor impulse control and almost no concept of how you’re perceived outside your circle of sycophants.

That’s why it’s time to quit. You’ll be the champion of your core supporters and even people who don’t consider themselves your fans will think you were hard done by. Your lucrative public speaking career will be guaranteed. The Liberal Party will openly welcome you back because you’ve “paid the price” for your sins. You do so much is so many different arenas, your workload blows people away. But if you don’t get off radio it’s inevitable you will poison everything and you’ll have nothing left.

Besides, the way these women are wrecking the joint, they’ll probably even allow them to host talkback radio shows soon. And you don’t want to be around to see that.

Victim Blaming

Some people have been saying I’m too calm and restrained when I make videos with Eva. So I get really quite angry in this one. In this video we rant about a topic that makes us both very angry. Namely, when people blame the victims of crime, especially sexual assault and rape.

This is NEVER EVER OK. There’s no such thing as “Oh, but she was wearing..” “Well, she shouldn’t have…” Rapes happen for one reason and one reason only: A rapist decides to rape.

And I’m also sick of idiots who say things along the line of “It’s pointless saying don’t rape because only reasonable people would listen. It won’t have any effect on a crazed rapist.” The problem is that, besides the fact that’s rapist talk, rapists are “normal”, they are often incredibly mundane. They have jobs and families. Even if you never have and never will sexually assault anyone, statistically, you know a rapist. You work with a rapist. You socialise with a rapist. you are related to a rapist.

This is everyone’s problem. The focus should ALWAYS be on the rapist. It is NEVER the victim’s fault. Until everyone wakes up to this, rape will always be a problem.

Get out of my way…

I was out driving with my daughter the other day and there was the usual displays of idiocy all around me. Anyone who’s ever driven with me will know I tend to get a bit colourful with my language and like to share my opinion with other drivers (and bike riders and pedestrians) about their shortcomings.

Given that I had my 15 year old daughter in the car I decided to moderate my language a little so when a particularly inbred looking freak decided to step right in front of me rather than, I don’t know, wait until the tonne of motorised moving metal wasn’t likely to fucking crush him like he so richly deserved.

All I managed to come out with was “Get out of my way, you… unattractive person.” I didn’t even shout. My daughter found this hilarious and laughed hysterically. I think this was more about how incongruous and unexpected it was rather than being actually funny. Later she was telling her friends about it online and they seemed to find it hilarious as well.

So if you’re on the streets of Melbourne and some teenage girls say “Get out of my way you unattractive person” I”m sorry about that. It seems like it’s a bit of a thing now. I decided to commemorate it with this image:

I don’t hold a grudge

More ways to tell someone you don’t give a fuck about them

A few years ago I made this video where I came up with some creative ways to tell someone you don’t give a fuck about them:

It’s one of my more popular videos – apparently people are always looking for creative ways to get rid of annoying idiots. Lately I have had many requests for MORE! I’ve been building up to it for a while and I thought I’d try out some options here on the blog before I made it into another video. If you get in quick with comments (and I like them) your responses might end up being part of the video.

Without further ado, here are some more ways to tell someone you don’t give a fuck about them:

• A recently discovered tribe in the Amazon had had no contact with the outside word and had no idea anybody existed outside their valley. It turns out they give more of a fuck about you than I do.
• I’d like to introduce you to Bob, we hired him specifically to give a fuck about you because none of us do and we want you to leave us the fuck alone. But he committed suicide. So there’s still nobody who gives a fuck about you.
• I started the day with a dozen fucks. After a day of dealing with your bullshit I still has 12 fucks left. How many fucks did I give about you today?
• There are electron microscopes that can find molecules less than a nanometre wide – but they can’t find any fucks I give about you.
• Astronomers have mapped the universe out to two billion light years. They haven’t found any fucks I give about you.
• Some mayflies have a life span of only half an hour – that’s approximately 30 minutes longer than the lifespan of any fuck I’ve ever given about you.
• That was close – I almost gave a fuck about you. Turns out I just needed to fart.

I feel this list is still to be added to before I commit it to video. Please help!