A conversation with Donald Trump’s campaign manager

Hey, how ya doin’? I’m Joey Soulfucker, Donald trump’s campaign manager. It’s a high pressure job but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. The question I’m always asked is “How do you think the campaign is going?” and my answer is always “unbelievably good!” I mean that literally. There is nobody in the campaign, right up to the Donald, who can believe things are going this well. It makes no sense. Any rational human knows Donny aint fit to run for president but that’s only half of it. It would make a bit more sense if he was running as an independent but he’s running as a Republican! He’s spoutin’ all that family values and jesus rubbish when he’s clearly a complete degenerate.

Now don’t get me wrong, I say that with love because I’m a degenerate too. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a goody two shoes. But the Donald doesn’t even try to hide what he is. His life and history is public and the divorces and womanising aint even close to the worst of it – you have no idea what sick stuff he’s really into. You think wanting to bang his daughter is the grossest thing about him? But he stands up and says “I love the bible” and the crowd goes wild. “Family values” and they eat it up. We figured early on that he’d get a bit of attention, say some outrageous things and we’d use the boost to his profile to go on talk shows and sell books. We didn’t even think he’d make it half way to the first caucus vote, let alone be leading.

I mean, come on! What kind of idiot would vote for the Donald Trump that’s been campaigning? He’s mean, nasty, obviously lying, completely out of touch with reality… I know I just described a decent chunk of America but how can they not see he’s making fun of them? Half the time the things he says don’t even make sense – he’s up on the stage being a gibbering idiot but his popularity keeps going up and up! We’ve started making bets on what outrageous things he can say and get away with it. I’ve lost so much money on those bets!

The shooting someone in the street – that one was mine. Donny was laughing about how stupid his supporters were and how it had gotten to the point that it didn’t matter what he said – they’d support him no matter what. So I thought I was calling his bluff, I said “OK, come out and say that, say you could shoot someone and they’d still love you” and he said “Just watch me”.

Think about it – someone running for president, the frontrunner for one of the major parties starts saying it doesn’t matter if he shoots someone! No rational person would say that. In The Donald’s case, it’s no serious person would say this. He’s been treating this as a joke for months. He was already probably the biggest ego in the country but now, when he doesn’t have to care what he says? He’s a force of nature. He doesn’t have to make sense. He doesn’t have to be consistent. He doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything.

I thought I’d finally found the limit with the KKK. First, I thought he’d back down when I told him not to reject the endorsement. Then when he called my bluff I knew he was done with this whole thing and wanted out. Even he’s getting embarrassed about how stupid people are. But it doesn’t make any goddam difference! They don’t care!

Seriously, his supporters are a rampaging mob of psychopaths. They make racist attacks on people, actual physical attacks and he just eggs them on. He says they’re “passionate”. In no sane world can a presidential candidate whip up a mob with hate speech and get away with it.  But Donald can in this world.

I’m not gonna surprise anyone by saying Donny aint the sharpest tool in the shed but he knows people. Hey, I’m in PR and politics so I already think people are morons. Nasty, greedy, out for themselves idiots. But I wasn’t prepared for what this campaign showed me.  The Donald knew all along this was a joke. And the America that comes out of this ugly race is the punchline.

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