How to tell someone you don’t give a fuck

It seems I have to spend an inordinate amount of time telling people online that I don’t give a fuck about their worthless dribbling. So I’m trying to come up with creative ways to tell them. Sure, I love the simplicity of “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” but I also like variety.

So far I’ve come up with:

• I’ve checked my “things to do” list. Your mum is right at the top but giving a fuck about you just isn’t there
• NASA sent a deep space probe to the planet Giveafuckaboutyou and confirmed that I wasn’t there
• Your web search “times I give a fuck about you” returned no results. Did you mean “times I don’t give a fuck about you?”
• 404 File not found. You apparently thought you’d find me giving a fuck about you. You were wrong. You could try the following – Find someone else who gives a fuck about you; grow the fuck up; just fuck off
• Today’s lesson is titled “I don’t give a fuck about you”. Tomorrow’s lesson is the same as today’s
• Wanting you to fuck off and giving a fuck about you are not the same thing. So fuck off

And for those who like visual aids, I produced this Venn diagram on GraphJam:

Venn Diagram

 

Feel free to make your own contributions 🙂

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Should your website have a flash intro?

When Flash first landed on the World Wide Web (we still called it that back in those days) it was very popular and it became common for websites that wanted to look “cool” to load a Flash animation when a visitor arrived at the site. The standard method was to force the user to sit through this animation to convince them of how cool you were.

As time passed it became widely accepted that this practice was, to use the technical term, totally fucked. Despite years of frustrated users screaming at the websites to get that stupid fucking intro out of their way and let them use the site, some sites argue that there are certain cases where a Flash into is still a good idea.

Maybe so. I’m a helpful guy. Really. So I’ve provided this handy flow chart for all web designers and marketing people to consult before they put a Flash intro in place. Use this and no matter what your product, no matter who your target audience, you will always reach the right decision:

Thanks to everyone for the overwhelmingly positive response to this post. I fixed the appalling typos that were in the first paragraph after they were pointed out to me.  Interestingly (to me at least) this post has also been translated into Italian: http://www.wafer.it/main/index.php?id_pag=52&id_blog_post=48

God’s to-do list

Found stuck to a very large fridge somehwre in the cosmos:

For those who can’t tell, I spent a lot of time in Catholic school.

Reasons I rip on haters

People often ask me, if I think haters are such a waste of space, why do I take the time to rip on them?  I punch those people in the face.  I have a range of reasons for ripping on haters and they are neatly explained in this graph:

haters chart

Colourful AND informative!