Tag Archives: funny

If I can…

Today, I’m going to make you happier.

 

I bet you didn’t realise that when you got out of bed this morning.  I bet you didn’t wake up thinking: “Wow, I hope AngryAussie improves the quality of my life today.”  If you did wake up thinking that, back the fuck off.  I don’t need that sort of pressure.

 

So how am I going to make you happier and improve the quality of your life?  With this simple observation: if you mumble the words “if I can” it sounds a lot like you’re saying “fuckin’.”  How easy is that?

 

What do you mean you don’t feel happier?  Don’t your realise the applications of this?  This bit of knowledge is useful in any number of situations.  No matter who you’re dealing with, this can come in handy.  You boss, cow-orkers, family.  Every now and then they all need to be told to fuck off but it rarely works out well for you if you do so.

 

But with this knowledge you can enjoy the catharsis of swearing at them.  Without actually swearing at them!  How good is that?  If it still isn’t clear to you, picture this scenario:

 

Your boss comes into your workspace and starts hassling you about some work.  Besides the fact that this sucks generally, the hassling process is actually stopping you from doing the work.  A double frustration.  And the boss is either too stupid to realise this or is taking malicious pleasure in ravaging the pitiable remains of your soul this way.  A triple frustration!  Respond by saying (a little indistinctly):

 

“If I can get going then I’ll be fine.”  Pause and then enunciate clearly: “If I can get going now I’ll be able to meet the deadline.”

 

What the boss is likely to hear is:

 

“Fuckin’ get going, then I’ll be fine.”  While you are paused, the boss will almost certainly stay silent.  This is because s/he will almost certainly be stunned, thinking “Did this cubicle dwelling low-life really just tell me to fucking get going?”  Before they recover from the shock, you follow up with the more clearly enunciated “If I can get…” 

 

The boss wanders off thinking “Ohhhh, that’s what they said,” while you revel in your private joy.  By the way, keep your revelling private.  No doing the happy dance no matter how big a score it feels like you just made.  The success of this ploy is totally dependent on you appearing innocent.  Which brings me to safety tips.

 

Safety Tip 1: Don’t make it obvious.  You should mumble “If I can…” in a fairly natural way.  No sarcastic tone. No pulling faces.  No smiling or laughing.  It should seem as though you are unaware what it sounds like.

 

Safety Tip 2: The follow up should seem natural.  Remember, you aren’t covering up for saying something bad, you’re continuing what seems like a normal conversation to you.

 

Safety Tip 3: Don’t overdo it.  It’s unlikely you’d get away with doing this every day.  Save it for when you really want to get up in someone’s face and get away with it.

 

So there’s a little something to brighten your day.  I take immense pleasure in juvenile forms of subversion and I see no reason why you can’t as well.  And don’t forget that although I used the work example, this trick has a wide range of applications.  For example:

 

Mother: Clean your room.

 

You: If I can get out of the room for a minute, then I’ll do it.

 

– – –

 

Reporter: How do you respond to the allegations?

 

You: If I can take a minute to consider your question…

 

– – –

 

Anybody: George Bush just declared himself Emperor of the World!

 

Me: If I can… hell!

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Best Swearing Quotes Ever

“Life is a four letter word” – Lenny Bruce

Even Lenny Bruce, the master of profanity, knew how to be subtle. But sometimes subtlety simply doesn’t cut it…

Fuck is my chisel.” – Irish comedian Tommy Tiernan explaining to an American audience why he needs to swear.

“I say we grease this rat-fuck son of a bitch right now.” – Hudson (Bill Paxton) in Aliens

“You had best unfuck yourself and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up!” – Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Lee Ermey) in Full Metal Jacket

“Was it legal? FUCK legal! Not nice? FUCK nice! The nation says I’m not nice? FUCK THE NATION!” – Roy Cohn (Al Pacino) in Angels in America

“Your mother sucks cocks in hell!” – Regan (Linda Blair) in The Exorcist

“Life does not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.” – Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) in The Big Lebowski

“Shut that cunt’s mouth or I’ll come over there and fuckstart her head.” – Mr Parker (Ryan Phillipe) in The Way of the Gun

“Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it!” – Monty Brogan (Ed Norton) in 25th Hour

“Fucking Eric Schmidt is a fucking pussy. I’m going to fucking bury that guy, I have done it before and I will do it again. I’m going to fucking kill Google.” – Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft

“You have a look in your eye like you haven’t been fucked in a year.” – Tony Montana (Al Pacino) in Scarface

“(if you work in advertising or marketing) You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself, it’s the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself” – Bill Hicks

“I’ll send you a love letter straight from my heart, fucker. Do you know what a love letter is? It’s a bullet from a fuckin’ gun, fucker. If you receive a love letter from me, you are fucked forever. Do you understand, fuck? I’ll send ya straight to hell, fucker!” – Frank Boothe (Dennis Hopper) in Blue Velvet

“Your mother sucks big fuckin’ elephant dicks, you got that?” – Joey LaMotta (Joe Pesci) in Raging Bull

“So I say live and let live… Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker.” – George Carlin

“Things are fucked up at the North Pole. Mrs Claus caught me fucking her sister, now I’m out on my ass.” – Willie (Billie Bob Thornton) in Bad Santa

“Bitch was so fine I’d suck her daddy’s dick.” – Richard Pryor

“We will fuck him. Do you hear me? We will fuck him. We will ruin him. Like no-one has ever fucked him!” – Karl Rove, senior advisor to George W Bush

“What’s the big deal? It doesn’t hurt anybody. Fuck, fuckity, fuck-fuck-fuck!” – Eric Cartman in South Park Bigger, Longer and Uncut

Quality swearing compiled for you at https://angryaussie.wordpress.com

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