Who the fuck is Paul McCartney anyway?

On New Year’s Eve, Kanye West released surprise track in which he duets with Paul McCartney. Twitter lit up with people first saying “who is this unknown signing with Kanye” then with people ranting that if you know Kanye but not McCartney, you’re an idiot.

A lot of outlets have pointed out that many of the most widely circulated “who is this McCartney?” tweets were obvious jokes (including this interview with the guy who posted probably the most widely circulated tweet).

There’s nothing quite like someone rushing to pass judgement on someone else in an attempt to show their intellectual superiority when all they really show is that they’re the prize fuckwit.

I’ll take it one step further than pointing out to self-important idiots that they were too fucking stupid to get an obvious joke. I’m going to back the Kanye fans who genuinely never heard of Paul McCartney. Why the fuck should they know who Paul McCartney is? What has that boring old bastard contributed to music in the last 40 years that wasn’t complete shit?

Let me stop you before you jump up and say how much you love Paul McCartney. I don’t fucking care. All that tells me is you have awful taste in music. You have the whitest, blandest most boring taste is music imaginable. If you like the Beatles that’s one thing. They were a major force in mid-20th century music. And they broke up over forty years ago. Move the fuck on. Liking the Beatles and wanting to insist they are more important today than Kanye just makes you conservative. Liking anything McCartney did after? I get as much musical pleasure from pouring lukewarm porridge into my ears.

I also don’t care if you don’t like Kanye’s music (as opposed to not liking Kanye himself – that’s a whole other issue). Liking or not liking the music is simply personal taste, but Kanye is a major force in music today. Saying otherwise makes you look stupid. McCartney is fuck all on today’s music scene.

As a kind of footnote, it’s almost impossible to parody how stupid people are today. We are surrounded by so many examples of stupidity every single day that no matter how much you exaggerate your “joke” there’s probably someone who actually believes that shit literally. I mean, global warming deniers, am I right? Those fuckers are in government. That’s the real issue, not your grumpy old man routine about kids today.

Now get off my lawn!

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Of course I see your point

I deal with stupid people every day. And while their individual brands of stupidity are troubling, pretty much the final nail in their stupid coffin is when they expect me to give a shit about them. Real life is different but I learned long ago not to waste time with idiots online. They go on and on about why I should debate them and/or answer their questions but they never want a genuine debate, they simply want to go on and on with their ridiculous crap without ever listening to any contrary points of view. Or, you know, evidence.

And no matter how stupid their bullshit is (e.g. evolution deniers, climate change deniers) they can’t conceive of the possibility that you reject their idiocy because it’s completely without merit. They decide the problem must be that you can’t see their point which they intend to remedy by blathering on and on until they bury your objections under a mountain of bullshit. 

Oh, I can see your point. It’s just really fucking stupid.

The stupidest comment ever

Q: How stupid can people get?

A: FUCKING STUPID! That is how stupid they can get.

Q: Are the stupidest commenters on the internet to be found on YouTube?

A: Yes. Yes they are. There is a lot of competition but a special sort of stupid can be found on YouTube.

I am trying to distill stupid YouTube commenters down to the most stupid they can possibly be. This is somewhat challenging. I think I need to somehow crystallise how some people demand I hold the exact opposite viewpoint to the one I have just expressed. I get that people can disagree with me but how can someone be so stupid as demand I completely reverse my point of view and think that is an even vaguely intelligent thing to say?

Seriously, they actually seem to think this will work. As if the only thing I have been missing my whole life is their dazzling insight and now I will completely change who I am because they have enlightened me.

Fucking morons.

There is no limit to stupidity

If there is one lesson that is continually reinforced to me online, it’s that there is no lower limit to stupidity, hypocrisy and bigotry. Every time I think I’ve seen the lowest/most pathetic form of these behaviours, a new idiot happens along to outdo the other idiots I’ve seen. There was a time I tried to actually engage with people who held opposing views, particularly when I believed I could disprove their theories with objective evidence. It soon became apparent that logic and reason did not work with some people. In fact, the further out on the loony fringe people were, the less interested they were in listening to solid evidence that contradicted them. And even when the views the people held were not particularly loony, if they held them particularly strongly and emotionally, engaging them was a waste of time.

They didn’t want to debate, they wanted to shout down their opposition and batter them into submission. That might sound ironic coming from someone prone to outbursts of rage towards those judged and found wanting. An important distinction is I do it for entertainment value. These cretins demand that you “debate” them and then their contribution to debate amounts to nothing more than histrionic shrieking. I was interested to discover there was actually some scientific research backing up my first hand experience. Researchers discovered that with many people, when you showed them solid evidence that contradicted their world view actually dug their heels in harder rather than accepting that they had been wrong.

If you’ve ever wondered how truly absurd conspiracy theories manage to stay alive, now you know. The truth may well be out there but it seems far to many people are going out of their way to avoid finding it.

My favourite type of online idiots are the ones who make their sub-troglodyte intellect (or lack thereof) abundantly clear for everyone else without realising they’ve done it. I found another example of this recently when I stumbled across a video some loser made on YouTube attacking me. There’s nothing particularly outlandish about making videos like this, after all, I go out of my way to piss people off when I don’t like their views. A reaction is what I’m after. It’s a shame that none of these attack videos have ever managed to be particularly entertaining or make any cogent points. But then, that’s usually why I attack morons – they’ve got nothing to intelligent to say and they make too much noise saying it.

While I make it a practice to not dignify these losers with a response and also encourage my viewers to ignore them, I can’t actually control the response other people give these attack videos. They show up occasionally in the “related videos” next to my own videos, my viewers see them and sometimes choose to go on the attack. This particular loser seemed shocked to discover that after he launched an attack on me, someone might retaliate. Poor diddums. After copping a bit of a hammering for his stupidity (and I will point out that his video was particularly stupid – a mix of totally missing my point [possibly deliberately] and rejecting peer reviewed science in favour of stuff “he just knows”) he stopped allowing comments on the video. Which is his right.

A brief digression on the topic of blocking and/or deleting comments: whatever method an individual chooses for dealing with troublesome commenters IS THE RIGHT CHOICE for them. They don’t even have to be consistent. Nobody has a right to dictate how someone deals with things in their own space. It’s worth noting that the people who would argue with this view most vehemently are almost always the worst sort of troll – nasty, hateful little losers with absolutely nothing worthwhile to offer. And I mean it when I say people don’t have to be consistent or even “fair” – however you feel on the day is fine with me. I don’t care if someone makes some outrageous pronouncement, bets nobody can offer contrary evidence, deletes all the responses that proves them wrong and then follows up with a triumphant declaration that nobody offered any contradiction.

If you don’t like the way someone deals with responses, don’t interact with them. It’s that simple. You won’t find me arguing with people on their YouTube channel or blog. You won’t even get me leaving them abuse. If I don’t like what someone is saying, I don’t waste my time on them. I do all my abusing via my own channels.

So back to the loser who got upset that people responded to his unprovoked attack on me by attacking him in return (to be clear – I have never launched an attack on this loser or even mentioned him by name, he isn’t worth it). He updates the description on the video to say he isn’t allowing comments on the video because the mean responses were hurting his pwecious widdle feelings. And then IN THE VERY NEXT SENTENCE he attacks me for deleting his comments on my channel. The fact that he’s unaware of how that makes him look like a hypocritical brain dead douchebag just about blows my mind. I mean, to be such an outrageous hypocrite is not so unusual. But to put it on display so blatantly and be unaware of the fact you’ve exposed yourself like that is right up there at the pinnacle of fuckwittery.

Sometimes I will block/delete a troll based on their first comment. I’ve had so many of them over the years I’ve gotten used to the various flavours and have a feel which ones are a waste of time. But this particular moron was known to people who I know so I decided to give him a chance. Several chances in fact. I told him quite explicitly to shut the fuck up because he had nothing of value to say, I wasn’t going to “engage” with him so just drop it. When he wouldn’t shut up I went so far as to say he was on his last chance and if he wouldn’t shut his drooling pie hole I wouldn’t stop at blocking him, I’d delete all the comments he’d made on my videos so I wouldn’t be reminded that I’d been stupid enough to give the ignorant fuckwit a chance to behave like a reasonable human.

Needless to say, he didn’t shut up and I took the action as advertised. He wasn’t supposed to be happy with that. It was supposed to piss him off. I get a little thrill of glee picturing the outrage on the greasy visage of these losers when they realise their precious “rights” (nonexistent though such rights are) have been taken away from them. And there isn’t a single fucking thing they can do about it. Seriously, that feels good. And while I knew he was a clueless moron, I didn’t think he was quite stupid enough to out himself so blatantly and obliviously by blocking comments and then immediately after raging against the injustice of me blocking him.

Like I said, no matter how bad you think you’ve seen people behave, there will always be someone worse. On the internet, there is no lower limit to stupidity and hypocrisy.

Self censorship

When does it become acceptable to write something that’s funny at someone else’s expense?  By which I mean, when is it OK to ridicule an actual, real person?  You know, those things that have actual feelings and lives that may be affected by public ridicule. 

No matter how much we don’t like someone, no matter how much we think they “deserve it”, there is ultimately a person on the receiving end.  Even if we don’t think they’re much of a person.  So what’s acceptable when we’re dealing with another human?

Looking around, it seems attitudes range from “anything goes” (no matter how cruel, damaging or untrue it may be) to “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”  I tend to be somewhere in the middle but get tipped more towards “anything goes” the more of a public figure someone is.  I see it as a case of live by the sword… the more you make your living from being in the public eye the more you have to deal with the fact that the public eye can sometimes be cruel and unfair.

For me, that generally means politicians, movie stars and TV personalities are all fair game.  In terms of ordinary people who find themselves in the public eye (usually for doing something stupid) I try not to be too cruel.  And the one thing I always try to avoid is the internet lynch mob mentality.  The people who indulge in internet vigilantism have a tendency to justify their action by saying their target has done something really bad.  But I wonder how many of them would escape unscathed if their own life was subject to the same scrutiny.

The reason I’m musing on this topic is a news story that seems like perfect fodder for me.  A pair of New Zealanders described as “experienced pilots” have put themselves out front for this year’s Darwin Awards with their method of demise over the weekend.  They were killed when they crashed a microlight plane they took for a joyride.  In the middle of the night.  While it was raining.  And foggy.  And there was lightning.  To top it off, police believe the two had been drinking at a party before the flight (which could explain why they thought a midnight joyflight in shitty weather was a good idea).

Now, these guys seem to me to pretty much fit the definition of “asking for it”.  But at the same time, I’m sure there are people who are very sad they’re dead and wouldn’t appreciate the loss of their loved ones being made light of.  I think I’ll hold off saying anything too disparaging until there are more details confirmed (like whether or not they had definitely been drinking) but I suspect the nature of this story means these guys are going to be slammed around the world.

Of course at the back of my mind in all this is I’d really rather not have all my personal details used for online fodder.  Quite a few people have a go at the fictional entity of Mr Angry already (many of whom seem to have no clue that this persona isn’t actually me) so I’m always kind of expecting a wider public “outing”.  I’m not stupid enough to think that if I’m nice everyone will be nice to me but at the end of the day I’d rather be able to hold my head up regarding my own actions rather than worry too much about what someone might say about me.

Elevator etiquette

I’m back working in a multi-storey office building for the first time in years which means having to use the elevator multiple times a day.  I have to tell you, I’m astounded how many people simply don’t know how to use a lift effectively.  Because I like to help (really because I like to vent at people who piss me off) I thought I’d compile a handy guide to proper elevator use.

1. Getting into an elevator: There are basically two rules when it comes to entering an elevator.

• Wait for people to get out before you get in
• Don’t take all bloody day to get in

For people who don’t place any value on courtesy, letting people get out first still seems like basic common sense to me. There’s more room to manoeuvre outside the elevator than inside. If you push your way in before people get out they’ll have to shove past you. It’s easier all round to just step aside for a second to see if anyone’s trying to get out

The second part can be a delicate balancing act.  If you stand around for too long the doors will close.  If you don’t wait long enough you crash into people coming out.  Some exercise of the brain is required here.  I hate getting some slug-like entity between me and the elevator who does nothing because they’re too fucking stupid to figure out what’s going on.  Then the doors close and I’m left to ruminate on why I didn’t shoulder charge the obvious moron out of my way.

Here’s a tip for the slow learners: try putting your hand on the door frame to hold the door.  You can do this while standing out of the way of anyone exiting.  And on 99% of elevators this will stop the door from shutting before you can get on.  If everyone stands around waiting for someone else to get on first, that isn’t “polite”.  It’s fucking stupid!

2. While in the elevator: Don’t listen to people who say you should never talk in an elevator.  It’s a fun experiment often given to first year Psychology students to get into an elevator, face the “wrong” way and try to engage people in animated conversations.  99% of people will cringe horribly/amusingly when you do this.  But grownups should be able to maintain decorous conversations in an elevator that also contains strangers.

But for the love of the little baby Jeebus, DON’T have loud conversations on a mobile phone.  Either hang up before you get in or continue your conversation at a conversational volume.  If the person at the other end can’t hear you tell them you’re in an elevator and you’ll call them back.  Shouting at a person who isn’t there is fucking obnoxious behaviour to the people who ARE there.  It will be your fault if someone decides to see if your phone will double as a rectal thermometer.

Also, when you get in, stand somewhere that makes sense in relation to where you’re getting out.  If you’re likely to be getting out the first time the elevator stops, don’t stand right at the back just because you’re the first to get in.  Stand to the side near the door but out of the way so other people can come in.  That way you can get out again with a minimum of shoving.

Likewise, if you going to be the last one out DON’T STAND IN THE FUCKING DOORWAY!  The only time you should ever stand right where the doors open is if there’s no other choice.  Or maybe if you’re getting off on the next floor (but if that’s the case, why don’t you take the stairs you lazy bastard?)

And if you are in the doorway because there was no choice, when the door opens and it isn’t your floor, get out of the fucking way!  Step out of the goddam lift and hold the door.  Then get back in when people have exited.  Don’t force people to wriggle past you.  Pull that shit with me and you’re likely to get an “accidental” kick to the back of the knee.

So please, people, I’m begging you.  There are precious few things that separate us from the beasts.  Knowing how to interact with random people without causing trauma is one of them.  If you don’t have the mental capacity to navigate an elevator without making other people want to punch your lights out, maybe you’re not enough of a grown up to be part of the workforce.  Stay in your home with your 24 cats and leave the rest of us alone.

What makes me angry? The people!

One of my earliest inspirations for this blog was a former co-worker who had a hilarious way of expressing her frustration with stupid people by simply going “The people!  The people!”  OK, maybe I’m easily amused.  But she was a New Yorker and that sounds really funny in a New York accent.

I’m actually working on my grand unified theory of why people are fucked.  Seriously.  Expect to see some musings on this in the coming days.  Some kind of serious and some plain silly.  I’m starting off on the silly side with these videos.

The first was inspired by a weekend shopping trip where I had to deal with some truly fucked people.

I actually got a huge response from my YouTube viewers to my question “Why do people suck so much?”  A cavalcade of comments and quite a few video responses seemed to be of the common opinion “They just do!”  Leave it to Little Miss Angry to enlighten me as to why people actually behave this way:

Well, I did say I was starting silly.

Pointless Interview Questions

The job market is a fun place. Well, it’s fun for me at the moment, mostly because I’m in no rush to start another contract.  This makes me very relaxed during interviews which tends to result in me coming across better.  It also frees me up to decide I don’t want a particular job.  I’m not desperate for money so I’m content to wait for the right opportunity rather than grab the first thing that comes along.

It also gives me a bit of freedom in my responses when I think the interviewer is asking stupid questions.  I don’t want to burn any bridges so I’m not actually rude.  I never actually come out and say I think the interviewer is asking stupid questions but it’s fairly easy to turn things around so they are in the position of justifying why they’re asking questions that are so, well… stupid.

For instance, there was the putz I had to see this week who thought he was being really clever.  It seems as though someone gave him the book of Microsoft interview questions and he was eager to show off his new “knowledge”.  This style of interviewing gives you abstract questions that have no relationship whatsoever to the work you’ll be doing.  Or to the real world.

Proponents say they’re trying to see how creatively you can think.  Normal humans say it’s a waste of time.  In my case, the interview went a little like this:

Annoying Recruiter: How would you move Mount Fuji 1/2 a kilometre to the South?

ME: Why would I do that?

AR: Uhhhh, it’s a project you’ve been assigned.

ME: As part of my work I’ve been asked to move Mount Fuji?

AR: Yes, so how would you do it?

ME: How could that possibly benefit the business?

AR: What?

ME: As an analyst, my first reaction is the project would be prohibitively expensive and take forever to complete.  The first thing I’d want is to see a business case that showed how this would benefit the business.

AR: But how would you do it?

ME: That isn’t the important question.  What you need to be asking is why would you do it?

AR: I just want to know how you’d do it.

ME: But if you can’t tell me why it should be done, that tells me there’s a problem.  As an analyst, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I let the project go forward without answering that question.

AR: I’m trying to get an idea of how you’d approach the problem.

ME: I’m telling you how I’d approach it: I’d try to find out why someone wanted to do this.  Seriously, even suggesting such an outlandish project tells me that things are seriously out of whack.

AR: No, this isn’t a real work project. I gave you an unusual example to see how you’d approach a problem that you wouldn’t face in your day to day work.

ME: So what you’re saying is the way you’re planning to work out if I’d be any good at this job by asking me questions that have nothing to do with the job and could never be of any value to the job?

AR: Uhh, yes.

ME: It never occurred to you to ask me questions related to actual issues I’m likely to face in this job?

AR: Well, this is a creative exercise.

ME: So you’re sticking with the plan that finding out how I deal with something useless is more valuable than finding out how I’d deal with something that actually matters to the business?

AR: Well that isn’t really the point…

ME: Is it hard to get your job? (extended silence) Wait I’ve got a better question: If I took this job, would I ever have to see you again?  Because I gotta tell you, that would have a pretty big influence on my decision.

I’d like to point out I’m not a cruel man.  It was never my intention to reduce the interviewer to tears.  But I think with the right therapy, he’ll come through this a stronger person.