Memo to a filthy beast

I’m really glad nobody at work reads my blog.  Even if I managed to avoid getting fired for it, nobody would talk to me for fear of appearing in a blog post.  If my blog was circulated around work, I’d particularly like it to reach a particular individual whose identity I don’t know.  I’ll explain in the form of an office memo.

MEMO TO: The filthy fucking beast who had a shit explosion in the middle toilet cubicle

FROM: All the decent humans in this workplace

RE: Well, the “TO” line pretty much says it all


Hello.  You disgusting fucking animal.  So it seems you have a case of explosive diarrhoea.  I don’t hold this against you.  We’ve all had unhappy visits to Arse Explosion Town.  But why in the hell would you not clean up after yourself?

I’m not saying you have to clean every skid mark off the bowl every time.  But is it too much to ask that you don’t leave liquefied shit sprayed all over the place?  It is simply impossible that you did not realise this had happened.  I am not a forensic specialist but the spectacular spray patterns speak to a particularly forceful bowel eruption.  There’s no way you didn’t feel it.

It is among the less pleasant experiences a human can suffer to walk into a toilet cubicle and be confronted with such a mess.  It’s bad enough when this shit happens in a public toilet but at work?  We’re supposed to be professionals.  We’re supposed to be adults.  We’re supposed to be fucking human ferchrissake!  Last I looked there were no shit-slinging howler monkeys employed here.

I’m guessing that you saw the unholy fecal fresco you created and thought “That’s gross, I’m not going near that.”  Poor, sensitive you.  How the fuck do you think I felt when it confronted me?  The level of contempt this action displays for your co-workers leads me to suspect you’re the same prick that stole my piece of chocolate cake out of the fridge. 

I can almost see how that played out too.  You saw it and wondered whose it was.  You may have even asked a few people if it was theirs.  When nobody claimed it you decided you would eat it.  Because you didn’t know who owned it.  Well you knew fucking well you didn’t own the fucking cake didn’t you, you thieving fucking bastard!

Anyway, in summary: you’re a disgusting vile animal.  I hope you stay anonymous because I’m not sure I could resist punching you in the face if I knew who you were.  Oh, and I cleaned you mess up.  You know how?  There was a scrubbing brush, right there in the cubicle.  You might try learning how to use one someday.



Filed under Work

21 responses to “Memo to a filthy beast

  1. E0157H7

    When you go to public school long enough, you become numb to such things. I remember an instance during my tenure in high school when I was confronted with a turd on the floor. Not something that was relocated by accident and ignored. Oh, no. Somebody had made the conscious decision to squat over the floor and evacuate. I did not attempt to understand why. One would hope that adults in a professional setting would eliminate toilet abuse, but it seems not.

  2. Vladimir

    So, what was in that chocolate cake?

  3. You know the truly tragic part is that the “Beast” probably walked out after that fiasco without washing his hands!!!!

    I always make conscious notes of who doesn’t wash their hands so I don’t shake their hand or eat after them at the office luncheons. If their in line in front of me I just go back to my office…………..

  4. DOA

    Could have been worse. He could have been on the diet pills.

  5. deepfriedbheja

    oh yuck….I’ve been in a hostel for two years…a girls hostel…you’d think women are clean…no way…the exact same hing happened..shit all over the floor in the loo…everywhere but the pot!
    Doesn’t that just drive you insane? It drives me insane…

  6. Yeppers…. women are just as — if not more disgusting. Not only do you get the same violent shit bowl sightings, but you also get the “Splatter Paint with my Tampon” experience too.

    Ahhh..nothing like a 3-D painting made out of fresh red menstrual blood with thick, dark purple, uterine lining “clots” for emphasis too! Joy…joy! ;P

  7. E0157H7: Yeah, there is no safe refuge from animals

    Vlad: I don’t know! I didn’t get to eat it.

    Marr: So you’re telling me you hang out in toilets watching people?

    DOA: alli would have been better – he would have shit his pants before reaching the toilet

    Bheja: I try to maintain the illusion that girls are clean and pure and you’re shattering it!

    CinnKitty: YUUUUUUCK! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How am I even going to LOOK at anyone female today?

  8. Geez, it makes the elevator farter look like a Tommy Hilfiger in-store sprayer. Personally though, female toilets mystify me. Wtf do women do with all those wet tissues? I don’t want to know, but by the end of the day they pile up something stupid.

  9. No not at all…..I just pay attention of the ones that go from the cubicles/stalls straight out the door while I’m at the urinal or washing my hands at the sink….

  10. DOA

    Thank you for that mental image cinnkitty. So much for going down on women.

  11. It’s a damn shame you didn’t get some ‘pics. That would have been really special.
    Just as a matter of idle curiosity, why in hell didn’t you use another cubicle?

  12. People really are pigs, I really think sometimes that they shouldn’t be let amongst polite society.

  13. Mr. Angry — hey.. just doing my “thang” and keeping it real, man. ;P Trust me, you think shit is gross..but that’s nothing compared to “Autie Flo all over the bowl.” bwa….ha…ha….

    DOA — dude…that’s easy… just make sure A.) she’s not on her period and B.) she’s showered. ;p

    Matter of fact — if you need some pointers (since it’s nice to see you were actually considering going down in the first place –woot!-) check out my “Naughty Tuesday Lesson” here:

    It’s always nice to find someone who is willing to learn. hee…hee…hee… 😀

    Kitty out! meow……

  14. Anastasia: that’s another mystery that I am happy remains a mystery

    Marr: nice cover 😉

    DOA: The mental image make it difficult for me to even look at women

    Dogshit: it was the only empty cubicle

    Michelle: my thoughts exactly

    CinnKitty: I’m always willing to take instruction 😉

  15. Rose

    It’s not just public schools, EO157H7.

    At my private school someone shat in a jar and then left the aforementioned jar in somebody else’s locker.

    How hard is it to use a toilet properly? Honestly. If it’s that challenging to people than they should just get a colonoscopy and spare us.

  16. That sound like more like a deliberate psychotic attack rather than being unable to use the toilet properly.

  17. I respect you for cleaning it up, you’re very brave. But it would have been really good if you had called a biohazard team that would descend upon your workplace in white suits and hooded garb, armed with hoses and chemicals. Although they may have ignored your cries for help, as was my experience. Our local board of health ignored me when I complained about the bulimic in my office who destroyed the bathroom every day after lunch. But on the bright side, my co-workers all sided with the fucking bulimic and refused to speak to ME after that, so I was able to leave the job with no feelings of guilt.

  18. Toilet problems are always present if too many people use the bathroom.

  19. writer: yeah, how dare you complain that someone was creating an appalling health hazard? What about their FEELINGS???

    range: it does seem to be unavoidable

  20. Bombers & Sea Eagles

    Read this post whilst at work -> burst into laughter and then had to explain my actions to the Boss-y Btch.

    Serves me right I suppose.

  21. sue

    Sorry to hear of your unfortunate scrape with the excremental excesses caused by someone else’s rectal rumpus. However, looking on the bright side, your story probably amused everyone who read it. It was so funny. Not the shit but your outrage. I feel the same way. At work, if I see faecal graffiti above the water line of the toilet bowl, I feel so angry that I have to wipe it off with paper…even though I wasn’t responsible and it’s from some other filthy arse. Try to get a photo next time and stick it on the canteen noticeboard.

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