Old people at the cinema

Sometimes I am very impressed with my own self control.  Impressed because I usually repress my frequent urges to fuck people up in a way they desperately deserve.  Most recently this happened when I attended the cinema on Saturday night to see “The Painted Veil” (plot summary: cuckolded husband gets revenge on his adulterous wife by forcing her to accompany him into the middle of a cholera outbreak in rural China.  Great date movie.)

This particular cinema leans more towards art house fare rather than mainstream blockbusters.  It’s also in a pretty affluent suburb.  As such, its clientele is disproportionately dominated by rich old people.  Two things about these people bug me.  One is that they frequently have loud conversations that make it clear they really don’t like poor people (like me, for instance).  Two is that they move REALLY FUCKING SLOWLY!

There is a flight of stairs at the entry and I had the bad luck to be directly behind a group of six old people.  They walked in a clump taking up the whole stairway so I was forced to walk at about 1/10th of my preferred speed behind them.  All the while considering screaming out “Why the fuck won’t you people move to the fucking side and walk in single fucking file?  You’re always complaining how young people are rude.  Do you know why they’re rude?  They’re following your fucking example!”

As annoying as they were, I figured I could survive being stuck behind them on the stairs.  They were indeed slow, old and pompously rich but it would only be a minute or two until I could get past them.  Finally they reached at the top of the stairs.  And they fucking stopped!  There was a wide open foyer right in front of them.  Did they walk into this open space and then pause to consider their options?  No they did not!  They stopped at the head of the stairs completely blocking the way with a wall of old people-ness.

I almost called them an immovable wall but I could have moved them real fucking easy.  I was seriously considering grabbing them by their pearl necklaces and fox skin shoulder wraps and hurling them back down behind me.  My near-psychic girlfriend (who knows me very well) kept a firm grip on me and so the spillage of pensioner blood was averted.

But I’m glad I didn’t dress up for the night.  These people are so uptight, the sight of me in a collarless shirt was probably almost as confronting to them as if I had actually screamed at them to get the fuck out of my way.  These little revenges make life worthwhile sometimes.

21 Comments

Filed under General Angriness

21 responses to “Old people at the cinema

  1. Vladimir

    Yes, blocking the way is somewhere close to the top on my list of heinous sins against me, maybe second or third from the top. The first is making noises in my close proximity.
    Still, wouldn’t that be an option to ask them to let you go through?🙂

  2. simon23

    They seemed to be painfully unaware that
    they move really slow or are aware and like to torment others.

  3. DOA

    I can understand the lack of speed. they’re old after all. What gets me is when they don’t stick to one side so people can pass. And when there’s a group of them you’re screwed. I almost want us to go back to the caves just so the wild animals will start picking off the slow ones.
    This reminds me of encounters I’ve had while driving. I’d be driving down a road and there would be a pensioner on foot on the road with his back to me. Now in itself this isn’t so weird because a lot of neighbourhoods here have narrow sidewalks that are essentially blocked by trees, bins, sign posts, etc.
    In any case I would drive right up to the guy and he wouldn’t move, presumably cause his hearing was impaired. Now why would you walk in the middle of the road if you can’t hear is beyond me. In the end I’d have to blow the horn right behind him, giving him a jolt. This is very entertaining although I worry that some day one of them will get a heart attack.

  4. Alex-Doomedlight

    You making a video about this?

  5. custador

    Pet hate: Old people who DON’T have to work and DON’T have to be anywhere at any particular time who ALL go to the shops near my office during my lunch-hour and make my life considerably slower even though I DO have to work and I DO have to be places promptly. *fumes*

  6. Oh dude… you have no idea how bad it can be until you live where I do. It’s the one nice thing about the heat… the old winter visitors leave. Imagine a whole city full of the folks you just described… Yeah… October through April…

  7. I dunno. I was at an obviously adult horror film last night and people brought their little children. Running in the aisles, the two year old crying, lots of commotion the whole time…I think I’d rather have the old folks.

  8. Vlad: I would have preferred to just throw them back down the stairs

    Simon: I go with “like to torment others”

    DOA: There are moments of entertainment to be had

    Alex: Very likely

    Custador: I used to work across the road from a bank and it was a very funny sight on pension day. A verrrrry long line of OAP’s all the way out the door.

    Qiranger: well, this is seriously a whole suburb full of them.. All year round.

    Boobs: That’s an act of child abuse. I’ve heard terrible stories of kids being taken into what’s essentially torture porn (it’s actually illegal in Australia)

  9. I know this has nothing to do with old people….. but I was at the podiatrists office today. His obvious pet peeve isn’t old people, who are making him filthy fucking rich enough to go to the theater with you, but their opposite.

    On the door to the exam area was a sign: “please turn off your pagers, cell phones and unruly children.” I like this guy – he has a wicked sense of humor.

    Pumpkin recipes to follow, but I put in 12 hours at work today and it is now 3:am, I’m pooped.

  10. As awful as it sounds I really hate old people and I hope everything I hate about them isn’t inevitable. I never want to become so self-absorbed and selfish that I block aisles without giving a shit about the people behind me, drive miles and miles under the speed limit with my blinker on, hold up the supermarket line while I re-check the cashier’s math, wear my clothes inside out, pearl necklaces and rose perfume, clutching purses filled with Kleenex as if a purse snatcher were lurking around any corner…I can’t stand it, any of it. I hate them.

  11. Your rants and posts crack me up. I would really like to feature you on my page.🙂 Keep up the good work!

  12. Shameema

    thats just piss funny

  13. Nice rant.

    I have no idea what ‘old’ is for you. I was asked by a sixteen year old why I was dressed up to go the movies with my wife.

    Because it’s like a date – you dress up for a date to impress the person you’re going with.

    But you’re old, she replied. Then, the girl having some manners, apologized for tagging me with the ‘old’ handle.

    So I’m old. But, at 40, I don’t feel old. Whatever.

    I do amble along when I’m with my wife and we’re out. We’re not in a particular hurry, life is meant to be enjoyed. Do we amble side-by-side, exiting the theater?

    Sure do – we’re enjoying each other’s company, not running a fire drill.

  14. I hate it when people, old or not, walk or move slowly in front of me! that’s so messed up!
    In the other hand, i love my grandparents ok? but! old people (except for my grandparents xD) just think they have the right to do anything, cuz they’re old and i’m not? what the hell?

  15. Sandra: I love the idea of switching off unruly children

    Wendy: I don’t think it’s inevitable – I think the nice old people stay under our radar. Obnoxious people of all types and ages are so much more obvious.

    Dave: If you like you can use one of my pieces and link back here. Maybe you’re better at promotion than me🙂

    Shameena: That was my aim

    Brian: I’m your age. We are indeed old to a large chunk of the population. And I agree with you about dressing up for a date! I just didn’t particularly do it on this occasion.

    Freakmagnet. I hate it when a clump of people of any age block my way as well!

  16. Dear Mr. Angry,
    I like your rants very much. It’s such a relief to see someone not holding back anything.

    But what i especially like is that you take time to reply to the commenters.

  17. By and large, I figure if people take the time to contribute, I can take the time to acknowledge that.

  18. Indeed!! Rich people look down on us poor folks, yet having grown up surrounded by the lowest of the low white trash in Kentucky, I have NEVER had someone been so shitty as some “upper” class people I have had the misfortune to run into…I’d like to see Paris Hilton dropped into MY neck of the woods…and watch a hillbilly girl beat her damn stuck up brains out of her head, now there’s quality tv for you…

  19. That is something I would pay to see.

  20. cygnus-x1

    But then again, I’d love to bonk Helen Mirren. You have to admit, some old fuckers are pretty fucking hot! The upper class play works so long as they like to get it in the a__(!) – God save the queen

  21. You sound like Colin Farrell. I think he was saying he wanted to shag Judi Dench.

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